This Christmas season has reminded me a lot of my values. I have two young cousins (2 and 6) that are visiting for 10 days or so, and I've been trying to keep everything in perspective. I don't remember a time when I was a kid that I actually got everything I wanted. And I'm certain that's a positive thing. Most of those toys were forgotten by the next month. I was bothered by the number of presents my cousins received and their lack sometimes of appreciation for those things. Sometimes you don't know if they're going to have a temper tantrum or fall in love. My dad's side of the family decided to do a home made Christmas. Which was fun, although a lot more work. But then I thought about how much I invested in the gifts I made, and I feel as though it was worth it.
I have been working this year on spending less on 'things' and more on quality time and better quality food. I have recently gone through all of my emails and unsubscribed from anything that wasn't either about books, or about causes that I support. In my email I recently received an article from the David Suzuki Foundation that I felt was an affirmation that I am on the right path. I'm so tired of being advertised to and being encouraged to consume. I want to use the purchasing power that I have in order to support businesses that I believe are committed to sustainable practices and a better quality of life. Sometimes, it's difficult to find companies that are so forthcoming, but I do my best with each decision I make.
I'm going to share the article from the David Suzuki Foundation. It's a good reminder of the real cost of consumerism.
http://www.davidsuzuki.org/blogs/science-matters/2016/12/tread-lightly-to-lift-the-weight-of-the-world/?utm_campaign=scienceMatters-treadLightlyToLiftTheWeight-en-16dec2016&utm_source=mkto-none-smNonSubscribers-link-readOnline&utm_medium=email&mkt_tok=eyJpIjoiWVdRMU9UYzNOVEE1TUdSbCIsInQiOiJ5eVB1RG5jYVhBZW14RUJGbndwZllyeDNBakVLSDl5RE5sakoxM0lBM2o2NDN6UGhQVFg4YXRHdmZsV25KSWxNbnc2WStzK29hU0pEWnhGTkxRUUwwN0lMM3FzQjYxdDN4c3V5NHVBbW0zZ1wvbThrTG45N3g4eHJXWkxJSU1hUzJRUnBQeDRiS2ZDUjZzUzdJdDhHYmZ3PT0ifQ%3D%3D
Thursday 29 December 2016
Sunday 27 November 2016
Diversity
Over the past 7 or so years, I have moved away from a lot of the friends and acquaintances. I feel like I have changed so much that I find it hard to relate to some of my old friends. We've grown apart and that's okay. Natural as we all grow out of our teenage years and early twenties. A lot of my friends are either still spending their time drinking beers and watching TV or they have gone in a different direction. Having children, and moving into that new phase in their lives.
Since being in the I Ho Chuan, the kwoon has become not only a place for training and pushing my limits, but a place full of people I can relate to. Which seems funny sometimes because I look around sometimes and we are very different people outside of the kwoon. Different occupations, different religions, disparate values in a lot of ways. Although we are a diverse group, we have a similar passion that brings us together. Not just kung fu, but our own pursuit of mastery. Kung fu is so much more than just physical fitness and martial skill. It's my most valuable tool for personal progress. And if I can learn to utilize that tool correctly, it's something that I could share with those around me.
As the year of the Monkey is starting to wind down, I've been thinking a lot about this year and reflecting on the progress and struggles of my year. Brandi told me the other day that for "the Ox" (my Chinese Zodiac), the past few years have been very difficult, but the coming year is supposed to give them a fresh start. I'm really hoping that next year is a bit easier than the last few. I know that struggling is what makes us learn and grow, but I'd like a little bit of time to recuperate. Keeping my fingers crossed for the Year of the Rooster.
Since being in the I Ho Chuan, the kwoon has become not only a place for training and pushing my limits, but a place full of people I can relate to. Which seems funny sometimes because I look around sometimes and we are very different people outside of the kwoon. Different occupations, different religions, disparate values in a lot of ways. Although we are a diverse group, we have a similar passion that brings us together. Not just kung fu, but our own pursuit of mastery. Kung fu is so much more than just physical fitness and martial skill. It's my most valuable tool for personal progress. And if I can learn to utilize that tool correctly, it's something that I could share with those around me.
As the year of the Monkey is starting to wind down, I've been thinking a lot about this year and reflecting on the progress and struggles of my year. Brandi told me the other day that for "the Ox" (my Chinese Zodiac), the past few years have been very difficult, but the coming year is supposed to give them a fresh start. I'm really hoping that next year is a bit easier than the last few. I know that struggling is what makes us learn and grow, but I'd like a little bit of time to recuperate. Keeping my fingers crossed for the Year of the Rooster.
Tuesday 15 November 2016
New Year's Resolutions
I've never been the New Year's resolution type. I guess I figured it would most likely end how most peoples' end, with me not following through. There's no point in lying to myself about what changes I'm going to make. Instead I chose to make decisions throughout the year that I wanted to be permanent. There was no glamour of having a list of changes, just some boring lifestyle change that I never really shared with anyone. My own thing, my own willpower.
I've been thinking a lot since the meeting about how my life has possibly changed since joining the I Ho Chuan. Not just this year, but every year since I came home. I did my first year of the I Ho Chuan while still living in China. From New Years until October I did all of my training and blogging while still in Wudang. At the time I didn't realize how much more difficult the I Ho Chuan would be living at home. More responsibilities and distractions.
While discussing whether or not to continue on next year's team with Sifu Brinker, I had a small moment of realization. Since I finished my training in China, I have been on the team every year. Different levels of participation required of course, but still, I've always had the I Ho Chuan to help guide my transition. I never had a plan for when I came home. I just wanted to open my own school. There. Plan created. I had no steps in mind to make that happen. Just some vague idea of a goal.
So the thing is here that, had I not gotten sick and decided to move, I would have had a ridiculous amount of work ahead. I had no idea where I was going and what I was doing. We talk about incremental progression, that would have been full blown flip over upside down and hang there for a while trying to get my head straight. The I Ho Chuan has provided me a way to set my goals, and to hold myself accountable. Not just to the team, but to myself. It's given me some direction. Especially during my recovery this past year. And now that the progress is less obvious, is when I need it most. I get to choose a lot of my own goals, and they are things that I have decided are valuable, and can help me improve myself and take deliberate steps towards mastery. My goal is still the same. I want to teach. But I've realized that there are many opportunities to teach. Teaching compassion and empathy through my own actions and words. Teaching the value of hard work and discipline through my own experiences and training.
"If you want to build a ship, don't drum up people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
I've been thinking a lot since the meeting about how my life has possibly changed since joining the I Ho Chuan. Not just this year, but every year since I came home. I did my first year of the I Ho Chuan while still living in China. From New Years until October I did all of my training and blogging while still in Wudang. At the time I didn't realize how much more difficult the I Ho Chuan would be living at home. More responsibilities and distractions.
While discussing whether or not to continue on next year's team with Sifu Brinker, I had a small moment of realization. Since I finished my training in China, I have been on the team every year. Different levels of participation required of course, but still, I've always had the I Ho Chuan to help guide my transition. I never had a plan for when I came home. I just wanted to open my own school. There. Plan created. I had no steps in mind to make that happen. Just some vague idea of a goal.
So the thing is here that, had I not gotten sick and decided to move, I would have had a ridiculous amount of work ahead. I had no idea where I was going and what I was doing. We talk about incremental progression, that would have been full blown flip over upside down and hang there for a while trying to get my head straight. The I Ho Chuan has provided me a way to set my goals, and to hold myself accountable. Not just to the team, but to myself. It's given me some direction. Especially during my recovery this past year. And now that the progress is less obvious, is when I need it most. I get to choose a lot of my own goals, and they are things that I have decided are valuable, and can help me improve myself and take deliberate steps towards mastery. My goal is still the same. I want to teach. But I've realized that there are many opportunities to teach. Teaching compassion and empathy through my own actions and words. Teaching the value of hard work and discipline through my own experiences and training.
"If you want to build a ship, don't drum up people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Thursday 10 November 2016
Brain Sludge
I have been agonizing over what to write for days now. I don't want to blog about Trump. Although I've been thinking about him for many days now, I don't have anything to say. I'm still in shock.
I had to put our lovely not even 2 year old cat down this Monday, which was hard on me. No matter what anyone says, I still feel guilty about it. I did everything I could, but it just wasn't enough, and it made me feel helpless and sad.
On a brighter note, I've decided to join the rooster team. Ms. Bergstreiser reminded me of the encouragement I gave her to join the team last year and I was reminded of my reasons why I thought the team would be great for her. Even though she was on "light duties" there were still many great steps forward on her part and look at where she's at now.
Sometimes it's great to have a friend and teammate give you back your perspective.
I've been meditating and practicing qi gong or tai chi nearly every night since Tiger Challenge. I thought a lot about what I want my goals to be for next year, and I thought about all of the things that I could do rather than all of the things I couldn't. I feel kind of like, "the little engine that could".
I had to put our lovely not even 2 year old cat down this Monday, which was hard on me. No matter what anyone says, I still feel guilty about it. I did everything I could, but it just wasn't enough, and it made me feel helpless and sad.
On a brighter note, I've decided to join the rooster team. Ms. Bergstreiser reminded me of the encouragement I gave her to join the team last year and I was reminded of my reasons why I thought the team would be great for her. Even though she was on "light duties" there were still many great steps forward on her part and look at where she's at now.
Sometimes it's great to have a friend and teammate give you back your perspective.
I've been meditating and practicing qi gong or tai chi nearly every night since Tiger Challenge. I thought a lot about what I want my goals to be for next year, and I thought about all of the things that I could do rather than all of the things I couldn't. I feel kind of like, "the little engine that could".Friday 28 October 2016
To roost or not to roost?
So I've been a bit out of sorts the last few months. And it was really just getting worse. There are some things that I've been forced to deal with lately, and one of them is that in some cases, GBS leaves people with the problem of chronic fatigue. Now, don't get me wrong. I know I'm still not recovered, but I also am not the type to just sit and wait. I want to participate actively in my recovery.
My naturopath has diagnosed me with an internal staph infection. Not very uncommon for the amount of time I was in the hospital, and all the tubes I had stuck in me. I've also been diagnosed with something called Epstein-Barr Virus. Which, is not at all uncommon and is a common cause of mono, but they have found links related to auto-immune diseases. Wikipedia says something like 95% of the population carry it around. It's a form of the herpes virus, much like chicken pox. And much like chicken pox, you really only get it once. Unless you're one of the unlucky ones that ends up with shingles. Which are often triggered by stress. So I'm inclined to think my GBS was rather stress related. And I've heard similar things from people who have other neurological diseases. The last thing I want, is to go through all that again. So now I've realized I need to learn to deal with this stress.
I've been debating for a while whether I was going to join the rooster team or not. I haven't been training at Silent River without the I Ho Chuan since before I went to China. I can't imagine what being part of the school would be like without it, but at this point, it seems like so much to take on. So, I finally had a meeting with Sifu Brinker. I would have to figure out how to feel like a part of the team without doing a lot of the physical aspects. But Sifu Brinker reminded me, as he has reminded us all over and over, that the I Ho Chuan is a tool. And it's a tool for my own personal development. So now the tough part is deciding what direction I'd like my life to go, and also how the I Ho Chuan could serve me next year.
My naturopath has diagnosed me with an internal staph infection. Not very uncommon for the amount of time I was in the hospital, and all the tubes I had stuck in me. I've also been diagnosed with something called Epstein-Barr Virus. Which, is not at all uncommon and is a common cause of mono, but they have found links related to auto-immune diseases. Wikipedia says something like 95% of the population carry it around. It's a form of the herpes virus, much like chicken pox. And much like chicken pox, you really only get it once. Unless you're one of the unlucky ones that ends up with shingles. Which are often triggered by stress. So I'm inclined to think my GBS was rather stress related. And I've heard similar things from people who have other neurological diseases. The last thing I want, is to go through all that again. So now I've realized I need to learn to deal with this stress.
I've been debating for a while whether I was going to join the rooster team or not. I haven't been training at Silent River without the I Ho Chuan since before I went to China. I can't imagine what being part of the school would be like without it, but at this point, it seems like so much to take on. So, I finally had a meeting with Sifu Brinker. I would have to figure out how to feel like a part of the team without doing a lot of the physical aspects. But Sifu Brinker reminded me, as he has reminded us all over and over, that the I Ho Chuan is a tool. And it's a tool for my own personal development. So now the tough part is deciding what direction I'd like my life to go, and also how the I Ho Chuan could serve me next year.
Wednesday 5 October 2016
Compassion for Oneself
This week has been a hard one for me. Isn't that just the usual though. On Saturday, I mentioned how great I was feeling and how hard I've been working. Taking the steps towards reaching my goals. Although, many of them I won't reach. It's irrelevant, because I'm living for today.
I have recently stopped drinking coffee regularly because I found that I was feeling the urge to drink it all the time. So I've discovered that I can't make it through the day without taking a nap now. Okay, I can handle that. For now, so I think.
In comes Monday. My first consultation with the naturopath. Whether you believe in this type of holistic medicine or not is irrelevant. You have to know any examination of me is going to have some bad news in it. Well, a lot more bad news than I realized. Slam! You're doing too much too soon. I'm surprised you're able to work and live a moderately normal life with these results. I must commend you for your willpower.
Then today I sign into my course curriculum for Athabasca University, and I realize I was a month off in my end date somehow and I missed it, thinking my course ended at the end of October. So now I've failed the course that I've spent all that time and money on. How could I be so stupid?
I sat down, took some deep breaths and reminded myself what I've been thinking since the meeting. It's so easy to look at other people and have compassion. It's much more difficult for me to be compassionate with myself. I've been attempting to work on this since I got out of the hospital. I can make excuses for the things that I do wrong, but it's just a huge waste of energy. I need to look at myself openly, accept my mistakes and keep moving forward. Sometimes easier said than done.
*sigh*
I have recently stopped drinking coffee regularly because I found that I was feeling the urge to drink it all the time. So I've discovered that I can't make it through the day without taking a nap now. Okay, I can handle that. For now, so I think.
In comes Monday. My first consultation with the naturopath. Whether you believe in this type of holistic medicine or not is irrelevant. You have to know any examination of me is going to have some bad news in it. Well, a lot more bad news than I realized. Slam! You're doing too much too soon. I'm surprised you're able to work and live a moderately normal life with these results. I must commend you for your willpower.
Then today I sign into my course curriculum for Athabasca University, and I realize I was a month off in my end date somehow and I missed it, thinking my course ended at the end of October. So now I've failed the course that I've spent all that time and money on. How could I be so stupid?
I sat down, took some deep breaths and reminded myself what I've been thinking since the meeting. It's so easy to look at other people and have compassion. It's much more difficult for me to be compassionate with myself. I've been attempting to work on this since I got out of the hospital. I can make excuses for the things that I do wrong, but it's just a huge waste of energy. I need to look at myself openly, accept my mistakes and keep moving forward. Sometimes easier said than done.
*sigh*
Friday 30 September 2016
Courage
This week has been an interesting one. I went to a open house sorta thingy at a naturopath clinic that my Aunt has been going to. It's really caught my interest. I've never been to a naturopath before. I've considered it several times since I began my recovery, but I think I was a little bit afraid. I've experienced as much pain in this year, as most people probably experience in their lives. And it scares me to think that I might have to go through any of that again. But I'm convinced that I should at least go for some testing, and then decide if I want to proceed with whatever treatment they recommend.. I'm most excited about live blood cell analysis. I want to see my cells on a screen. Sounds cool!
I also was presented with my courage award from the Glenrose this week. It was nice to be there and to be up and walking around, able to accept my award on my feet. I got to chat with my old roomie, another courage award recipient about how she's progressing. Now that is a lady that inspires me! She's 70 something and had to start all over again. And she's still working on it. No giving up for that woman. That's for sure. And she's very lovely to talk to. Such a kind and caring person.
I am just constantly reminded of how lucky I am. My biggest fear right now, is that I'll forget it somewhere along the way. Like Sifu Brinker often tells us, the memories will fade and you'll forget. I hope it takes a long time for that to happen.
I also was presented with my courage award from the Glenrose this week. It was nice to be there and to be up and walking around, able to accept my award on my feet. I got to chat with my old roomie, another courage award recipient about how she's progressing. Now that is a lady that inspires me! She's 70 something and had to start all over again. And she's still working on it. No giving up for that woman. That's for sure. And she's very lovely to talk to. Such a kind and caring person.
I am just constantly reminded of how lucky I am. My biggest fear right now, is that I'll forget it somewhere along the way. Like Sifu Brinker often tells us, the memories will fade and you'll forget. I hope it takes a long time for that to happen.
Thursday 22 September 2016
Busy to Full
This week I've been thinking a lot about perspective. These past couple of months I've found myself a bit overwhelmed by the responsibilities I've taken on. There are a lot of things going on for me right now. I changed my work schedule down to 6 hours a day. I was trying to work a full time schedule and maybe jumped into work with a bit too much gusto. I've had some physical difficulties, outside of the usual ones. I've got a bit of plantar fasciitis in my feet. I've got a possible ulcer in my left eye (and I have to wait until Dec. to find out), and some neck problems.
When I read Ms. Berstreisers post this week, I was thinking about how lucky I am to have the life I do. I don't necessarily have a busy life, I have a full life. I have so many things in my life to be grateful for, although they may at some points cause me to struggle. Those struggles have helped me become who I am, and I feel rich.
I have a job where people try their best to understand my situation. It is casual enough that if I'm feeling really poopy one day, I can just let them know. I have wonderfully supportive family, and friends that help me through these struggles. I have a welcoming home with a great kitty (hopefully another coming soon). I've got a passion that makes me feel fulfilled. I've been fortunate enough to have amazing role models throughout my life that have taught me to take advantage of the opportunities that life provides me with. And I have a wonderful team of like-minded, supportive, empathetic individuals that help me along on my journey and give me the opportunity to help them along on theirs.
Some days I may go to bed and find it difficult to sleep because I've got too much on the mind. But next time, I'll take comfort in the fact that most of the things I struggle with, are things that I choose, because they are important to me. I have a long journey still ahead, and the choices I make today, will affect who I become and I feel like I'm on a good path.
When I read Ms. Berstreisers post this week, I was thinking about how lucky I am to have the life I do. I don't necessarily have a busy life, I have a full life. I have so many things in my life to be grateful for, although they may at some points cause me to struggle. Those struggles have helped me become who I am, and I feel rich.
I have a job where people try their best to understand my situation. It is casual enough that if I'm feeling really poopy one day, I can just let them know. I have wonderfully supportive family, and friends that help me through these struggles. I have a welcoming home with a great kitty (hopefully another coming soon). I've got a passion that makes me feel fulfilled. I've been fortunate enough to have amazing role models throughout my life that have taught me to take advantage of the opportunities that life provides me with. And I have a wonderful team of like-minded, supportive, empathetic individuals that help me along on my journey and give me the opportunity to help them along on theirs.
Some days I may go to bed and find it difficult to sleep because I've got too much on the mind. But next time, I'll take comfort in the fact that most of the things I struggle with, are things that I choose, because they are important to me. I have a long journey still ahead, and the choices I make today, will affect who I become and I feel like I'm on a good path.
“You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
Monday 12 September 2016
Eating Vegetarian
Before I moved to China, I was a vegetarian. Actually, before I went to China the first time on our "kung fu holiday" I was a vegan. Living in China, I didn't cook my own food, and some things were a little bit shady, and so I decided it was in my best interests to start eating meat. I started out slowly, and ate a couple pieces here and a couple there, until my body could digest it again.
The reason I became a vegetarian in the first place, honestly, had nothing to do with my own mindfulness. Or anything to do with my compassion for animals. Which is still a factor. But mostly, I just did a lot of research and decided that a vegetarian diet was more globally sustainable. And I still feel that way. Right now I'm at odds, because every Auto Immune Protocol style diet is mostly paleo. I always say my diet is a paleo style diet because I don't think I would ever feel comfortable eating completely paleo. It seems selfish to me to eat a diet that is so unsustainable and has such great global impacts. This is where eating mindfully comes in for me. If I know where my food came from. If I know it's from my own garden, and that I've put into it, just as much as it gives back to me, then I feel more connected to the things I'm eating. Just as in there's value for me in putting my time and effort into the kwoon, there's value in putting time and effort into what I eat. Taking ownership for all the the things I put into my body for fuel is an important part of my identity.
I'm excited to try the 30 days vegetarian and see how I feel. My diet is already primarily made up of veggies. Just cut out the meats, and make sure I'm getting enough omega 3 fatty acids. Good for the brain!
I also wanted to share a link with you from the David Suzuki Foundation. You might have already seen it, but it's certainly food for thought.
http://www.davidsuzuki.org/blogs/science-matters/2016/08/how-much-food-can-cities-produce/
The reason I became a vegetarian in the first place, honestly, had nothing to do with my own mindfulness. Or anything to do with my compassion for animals. Which is still a factor. But mostly, I just did a lot of research and decided that a vegetarian diet was more globally sustainable. And I still feel that way. Right now I'm at odds, because every Auto Immune Protocol style diet is mostly paleo. I always say my diet is a paleo style diet because I don't think I would ever feel comfortable eating completely paleo. It seems selfish to me to eat a diet that is so unsustainable and has such great global impacts. This is where eating mindfully comes in for me. If I know where my food came from. If I know it's from my own garden, and that I've put into it, just as much as it gives back to me, then I feel more connected to the things I'm eating. Just as in there's value for me in putting my time and effort into the kwoon, there's value in putting time and effort into what I eat. Taking ownership for all the the things I put into my body for fuel is an important part of my identity.
I'm excited to try the 30 days vegetarian and see how I feel. My diet is already primarily made up of veggies. Just cut out the meats, and make sure I'm getting enough omega 3 fatty acids. Good for the brain!
I also wanted to share a link with you from the David Suzuki Foundation. You might have already seen it, but it's certainly food for thought.
http://www.davidsuzuki.org/blogs/science-matters/2016/08/how-much-food-can-cities-produce/
Thursday 8 September 2016
My Calendar
I wrote a blog last time about my numbers. Numbers are something I've been struggling with since I came home. So funny, how did I do it in China? It seemed so simple...
Oh wait, I remember. All I did all day was kung fu. It's much easier to achieve your numbers when you're not cooking and doing dishes all the time. When you don't have family commitments. When you don't have a garden to take care of. Reality check.
I don't live in China anymore, with the responsibilities I have now, I just don't have the same time to devote to my training. But this is where I need to start incorporating my training throughout the day. I went back to my old method of recording, and I love it. So simple, but so effective. I've been doing some bike riding. Not for numbers, but because I enjoy it and it is building up my endurance and cardio slowly. I've started teaching Sifu Randy Langner some Chinese calligraphy. I don't know if he realized how detailed it was. Just like training. Every movement has intent. This has also reminded me how much I enjoy the practice, and inspired me to pull out the brushes more often.
It's been a process of trial and error so far this year. I have definitely made progress though. And I don't even mean just since my GBS but also in areas that I struggled with before. I too struggle with consistency, but I think I've found a bit more of a routine for myself. I'm feeling positive about the remainder of the year.
Oh wait, I remember. All I did all day was kung fu. It's much easier to achieve your numbers when you're not cooking and doing dishes all the time. When you don't have family commitments. When you don't have a garden to take care of. Reality check.
I don't live in China anymore, with the responsibilities I have now, I just don't have the same time to devote to my training. But this is where I need to start incorporating my training throughout the day. I went back to my old method of recording, and I love it. So simple, but so effective. I've been doing some bike riding. Not for numbers, but because I enjoy it and it is building up my endurance and cardio slowly. I've started teaching Sifu Randy Langner some Chinese calligraphy. I don't know if he realized how detailed it was. Just like training. Every movement has intent. This has also reminded me how much I enjoy the practice, and inspired me to pull out the brushes more often.
It's been a process of trial and error so far this year. I have definitely made progress though. And I don't even mean just since my GBS but also in areas that I struggled with before. I too struggle with consistency, but I think I've found a bit more of a routine for myself. I'm feeling positive about the remainder of the year.
Wednesday 31 August 2016
Numbers
So the problem for me with this whole recording numbers business, a lot of the time comes down to literally, just writing them down. Mentally, I'm all for the incremental progression through daily practice. Even if I fall off the wagon once in a while, it's generally easy for me to get going again. I just show up to class, remember how much I love what I'm doing and believe in the program, and then bam! I'm back...
But when it comes down to recording the numbers and keeping track of where I'm at.. I suck. No, that's not true. I've been trying to test out some new ways of doing it. I thought, there's probably a more efficient way of doing this, so I'm going to try... something new. But I've now gone back to my original way. Whether it's more effective or efficient for anyone else is pretty irrelevant. And it might seem silly to do it the way I did, but it was working. I'm all for innovation, but not if it's not effective. So I'm back at it again. Not just the acts, but the numbers too. I try not to lie to myself, and this is just like a giant mirror, showing you the things you didn't accomplish today, and all the things you're excited about working on again tomorrow.
Monday 22 August 2016
Life's Path
Since going on the wolf walk and hearing the story of the people owning it, I have been thinking a lot about how our lives evolve.
At boot camp Sifu Brinker asked us, "how many people here feel that they individually have the power to change the world?" I didn't. I do feel I have the power to create change in my environment. But I also started thinking about it more afterwards. I can change the world. Through my actions, I create a ripple affect that can affect those around me, and in turn affects those that they interact with. Thinking about this had lead me to think about all of our interactions. How many ripples have we created that have traveled the world?
When I asked Shelly how she had gotten into wolf handling ( I guess I'll call it that) she said her and her husband were photographers and decided to adopt a wolf. That was a while ago. Since then she said that they decided to use their photography as a platform for educating people about wolves. They took a single step towards something they were passionate about and since then, their lives have kind of unfolded around them. I'm sure it took hard work at times, and a lot of dedication, but I'm pretty sure that's what kung fu is about.
At boot camp Sifu Brinker asked us, "how many people here feel that they individually have the power to change the world?" I didn't. I do feel I have the power to create change in my environment. But I also started thinking about it more afterwards. I can change the world. Through my actions, I create a ripple affect that can affect those around me, and in turn affects those that they interact with. Thinking about this had lead me to think about all of our interactions. How many ripples have we created that have traveled the world?
When I asked Shelly how she had gotten into wolf handling ( I guess I'll call it that) she said her and her husband were photographers and decided to adopt a wolf. That was a while ago. Since then she said that they decided to use their photography as a platform for educating people about wolves. They took a single step towards something they were passionate about and since then, their lives have kind of unfolded around them. I'm sure it took hard work at times, and a lot of dedication, but I'm pretty sure that's what kung fu is about.
Wednesday 10 August 2016
What to do?
Where do you start when you haven't blogged in?.. I don't even know.
I could start with the excuses that I've got, but they're lame, and there's no point except sounding lame, which I'd rather avoid. I think it has to do with me being too busy, and taking on too many things. It's hard to keep yourself accountable, when you're so widely spread. But, this is my own fault because I commit to too many things, and then struggle with getting them all done. I have to remind myself constantly that I can't keep the same kind of lifestyle I had previously, not yet anyways. I have always spread myself thin, but now I have a little bit less energy to spread, and it's affecting my commitment to my goals this year.
In that regard, I'm having a hard time not beating myself up over some of the things I've been missing. And this is where I have to keep my eye on the prize daily. I can't have these vague large numbers I want to achieve in half a years' time. I need to refocus on my daily goals and work on making consistent effort again. Whether or not I reach the end goal, the chances are much higher if I focus on the day to day progression.
On a positive note though. I have achieved something that wasn't on my personal requirements, or something I had not spent a lot of time thinking about earlier this year. I taught at boot camp. Whether or not my lessons were successful (i'm not sure how to gauge that) my confidence level certainly jumped. Although my nutrition lecture turned into more of a 'lecture' than I intended, I've been excited about Ba Gua ever since I suggested it, and I really felt good about it. Everyone tried really hard to learn a very complex and totally new style of movement, and I was super impressed with everyone at the boot camp. Watching everyone's successes and struggles during the fitness test really made me feel inspired. To be able to witness people pushing themselves beyond their own limits, it was incredible to be a part of. So thank you to everyone who committed themselves to an intense day of kung fu. Amazing!
I'd like to finish with a quote by a deep thinker I know...
"Why did Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall Mel?... He took his eye off the prize"
- Simon Cox (my brother in law)
I could start with the excuses that I've got, but they're lame, and there's no point except sounding lame, which I'd rather avoid. I think it has to do with me being too busy, and taking on too many things. It's hard to keep yourself accountable, when you're so widely spread. But, this is my own fault because I commit to too many things, and then struggle with getting them all done. I have to remind myself constantly that I can't keep the same kind of lifestyle I had previously, not yet anyways. I have always spread myself thin, but now I have a little bit less energy to spread, and it's affecting my commitment to my goals this year.
In that regard, I'm having a hard time not beating myself up over some of the things I've been missing. And this is where I have to keep my eye on the prize daily. I can't have these vague large numbers I want to achieve in half a years' time. I need to refocus on my daily goals and work on making consistent effort again. Whether or not I reach the end goal, the chances are much higher if I focus on the day to day progression.
On a positive note though. I have achieved something that wasn't on my personal requirements, or something I had not spent a lot of time thinking about earlier this year. I taught at boot camp. Whether or not my lessons were successful (i'm not sure how to gauge that) my confidence level certainly jumped. Although my nutrition lecture turned into more of a 'lecture' than I intended, I've been excited about Ba Gua ever since I suggested it, and I really felt good about it. Everyone tried really hard to learn a very complex and totally new style of movement, and I was super impressed with everyone at the boot camp. Watching everyone's successes and struggles during the fitness test really made me feel inspired. To be able to witness people pushing themselves beyond their own limits, it was incredible to be a part of. So thank you to everyone who committed themselves to an intense day of kung fu. Amazing!
I'd like to finish with a quote by a deep thinker I know...
"Why did Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall Mel?... He took his eye off the prize"
- Simon Cox (my brother in law)
Saturday 2 July 2016
Visitors
So the past couple of weeks, I've been entertaining a friend from Belgium. I have never really realized the commitment required to have a guest. Luckily my parents have been helping. I don't know what I would have done if I had to look after him myself. Talk about exhaustion.
I make him sound like he doesn't speak English but, honestly you can barely tell he's not from here. But just trying to make sure he has things to do while I'm working. Getting him out to camp in the mountains a couple of times. And basically just trying to keep him organized (I don't know how he survives the army) has proved to be quite the learning experience. I've been spending a lot more time away from the kwoon than I really like. But sacrifices have to be made sometimes, and he's been planning on coming for quite some time.
I've had a lot of fun, but my patience has also been tested a lot. It reminded me that I still have a lot to work on. My life to kung fu balance still being one of them....
I make him sound like he doesn't speak English but, honestly you can barely tell he's not from here. But just trying to make sure he has things to do while I'm working. Getting him out to camp in the mountains a couple of times. And basically just trying to keep him organized (I don't know how he survives the army) has proved to be quite the learning experience. I've been spending a lot more time away from the kwoon than I really like. But sacrifices have to be made sometimes, and he's been planning on coming for quite some time.
I've had a lot of fun, but my patience has also been tested a lot. It reminded me that I still have a lot to work on. My life to kung fu balance still being one of them....
Friday 17 June 2016
Small Increments
This week was my last week of therapy at the Glenrose. Although I'm happy in some ways that I've 'graduated', I'm also sad. The conflicting emotions when I analyze them make sense but, analysis doesn't always make everything clear.
A friend of mine from the Glenrose, shared her memory on Facebook today of sitting up for the first time on the edge of her hospital bed. I was reminded of the first time I sat up. I was hysterical, hyperventilating, crying, and convinced that I was going to somehow have my world come crashing down at that precise moment. Working up from there to sitting by myself for 5 seconds, 10 seconds, 30 seconds, reminds me of my whole progression in the martial arts.
Incremental progression has been my focus long before I was sick. I've constantly been working to progress more towards the person I want to be some day. There's no specific ideal, but a person of great moral character and leadership that can share some of the things I've learned through my own practice over the years. I know I still have a long way to go. But I'm so grateful for the I Ho Chuan. I have goals that help me work towards the things that I value in my life. It is a constant inspiration to me to see how much hard work each member puts into their own progress and how we can feed off of each others' energy to really accomplish great things. Personally, and in the lives of the people around us. It is an amazing opportunity to be given, and it's something I appreciate more and more each day that I struggle with my own motivation and direction.
A friend of mine from the Glenrose, shared her memory on Facebook today of sitting up for the first time on the edge of her hospital bed. I was reminded of the first time I sat up. I was hysterical, hyperventilating, crying, and convinced that I was going to somehow have my world come crashing down at that precise moment. Working up from there to sitting by myself for 5 seconds, 10 seconds, 30 seconds, reminds me of my whole progression in the martial arts.
Incremental progression has been my focus long before I was sick. I've constantly been working to progress more towards the person I want to be some day. There's no specific ideal, but a person of great moral character and leadership that can share some of the things I've learned through my own practice over the years. I know I still have a long way to go. But I'm so grateful for the I Ho Chuan. I have goals that help me work towards the things that I value in my life. It is a constant inspiration to me to see how much hard work each member puts into their own progress and how we can feed off of each others' energy to really accomplish great things. Personally, and in the lives of the people around us. It is an amazing opportunity to be given, and it's something I appreciate more and more each day that I struggle with my own motivation and direction.
Friday 10 June 2016
Changes
The past few weeks have been nuts! I sprained my ankle on Sunday. Not a bad one, but annoyingly enough, it's my good ankle. The one that's never been sprained before. I guess it will even me out.
This diet is a test for sure. Or should I call it a lifestyle change? Because it certainly is that. Never before has my day revolved as much around my food as it does now. I spend probably a couple of hours a day cooking and preparing food. The idea to be that I'm healthier. And I feel good. I feel stronger, I have more stamina, but it's hard to say how much of it is my body healing, and how much is food related. I do feel good though. And since I became more mindful of my food as an adult, I've found myself having pangs of guilt every time I had an unhealthy snack. Guilt, no more! I know the foods I'm eating are healthy because I made them. That gives me some control over the things that are going into my body. I was saying just last night... I'd rather change my diet and not have to be afraid of relapse, than to spend my days worrying that I might get caught by GBS again. No way do I want that. I don't have the money at this point to eat a grain and legume free diet. But all in all, things are going pretty darn good.
I've been keeping a daily journal. It's funny, I've tried to keep a journal since I was a teenager. But I've always failed to continue. It goes great for a few days, then I skip one, and it all goes downhill. We all know what that's like. But maybe because my journal is motivated by food, similar to my own brain, I seem to be more interested in what I'm doing. After I write down my food, exercise, and amount of sleep for the day, I reflect briefly. It's always finished by my favourite part, one sentence of gratitude. It reminds me before I lay down to sleep, of all the things I have to be grateful for, just in a single day, sometimes in a single moment. And I think that's a great way to fall asleep.
This diet is a test for sure. Or should I call it a lifestyle change? Because it certainly is that. Never before has my day revolved as much around my food as it does now. I spend probably a couple of hours a day cooking and preparing food. The idea to be that I'm healthier. And I feel good. I feel stronger, I have more stamina, but it's hard to say how much of it is my body healing, and how much is food related. I do feel good though. And since I became more mindful of my food as an adult, I've found myself having pangs of guilt every time I had an unhealthy snack. Guilt, no more! I know the foods I'm eating are healthy because I made them. That gives me some control over the things that are going into my body. I was saying just last night... I'd rather change my diet and not have to be afraid of relapse, than to spend my days worrying that I might get caught by GBS again. No way do I want that. I don't have the money at this point to eat a grain and legume free diet. But all in all, things are going pretty darn good.
I've been keeping a daily journal. It's funny, I've tried to keep a journal since I was a teenager. But I've always failed to continue. It goes great for a few days, then I skip one, and it all goes downhill. We all know what that's like. But maybe because my journal is motivated by food, similar to my own brain, I seem to be more interested in what I'm doing. After I write down my food, exercise, and amount of sleep for the day, I reflect briefly. It's always finished by my favourite part, one sentence of gratitude. It reminds me before I lay down to sleep, of all the things I have to be grateful for, just in a single day, sometimes in a single moment. And I think that's a great way to fall asleep.
Tuesday 31 May 2016
Re-evaluate
I found this Zig Ziglar quote that I loved...
I missed last years farmer's day celebrations because I was just starting to have serious symptoms of GBS. I don't remember which day I was actually admitted to the U of A, but I know it seemed forever from when I started having symptoms, to when I was actually diagnosed. It was scary. I had lost enough strength in my legs and back that I couldn't walk on my own and my dad was picking me up to get me in and out of bed. I don't like thinking about it. People ask me and I always have some weird kind of scripted answer that I ramble off. I prefer to think about the recovery. That's the upswing.
I've learned a lot in the past year. I'm a lot stronger than I realized. The biggest thing that I am always thankful for, is that I was lucky enough to be home. This could have happened anytime, and I'm so happy that I had such a strong support system with me. This year has reminded me how lucky I am. I'm lucky I have great medical care and that my parents didn't have to sell everything for me to get the care I needed. I'm lucky I have such great friends and teammates that helped me along on this journey. I'm lucky my recovery is going so well and I'm 'technically' fully functional (I'd have to disagree but I have always had high expectations).
I thought China was tough, but I didn't even know what tough meant. I struggled through a lot there. Running, kicking, jumping, to extremes. But my biggest battle so far was the one where I spent my days inside my own head unable to move. I've come a long way and I have to say, I'm happy about that.
" People say that motivation doesn't last. Well. neither does bathing. That's why we recommend it daily. "This week coming up is forcing me to really reflect. At this point, my requirements suck.. let's just say that. I'm behind on everything. But I'm trying not to stress about it and just keep trying every day.
I missed last years farmer's day celebrations because I was just starting to have serious symptoms of GBS. I don't remember which day I was actually admitted to the U of A, but I know it seemed forever from when I started having symptoms, to when I was actually diagnosed. It was scary. I had lost enough strength in my legs and back that I couldn't walk on my own and my dad was picking me up to get me in and out of bed. I don't like thinking about it. People ask me and I always have some weird kind of scripted answer that I ramble off. I prefer to think about the recovery. That's the upswing.
I've learned a lot in the past year. I'm a lot stronger than I realized. The biggest thing that I am always thankful for, is that I was lucky enough to be home. This could have happened anytime, and I'm so happy that I had such a strong support system with me. This year has reminded me how lucky I am. I'm lucky I have great medical care and that my parents didn't have to sell everything for me to get the care I needed. I'm lucky I have such great friends and teammates that helped me along on this journey. I'm lucky my recovery is going so well and I'm 'technically' fully functional (I'd have to disagree but I have always had high expectations).
I thought China was tough, but I didn't even know what tough meant. I struggled through a lot there. Running, kicking, jumping, to extremes. But my biggest battle so far was the one where I spent my days inside my own head unable to move. I've come a long way and I have to say, I'm happy about that.
Tuesday 24 May 2016
Costly Comparisons
Sitting in my car, catching up on blogs I come across this quote.. "comparison is the thief of joy" - Theodore Roosevelt.
Weird. I compare everything. I know I do. It's not something I do mindfully, it's just second nature at this point. It's been said to me many times by many different people that it's not always in my best interests to use comparisons all the time. This is better than that. I like this person more than that person because this person does such and such better. I was better before GBS. It took me about 2 seconds of reflection to bring tears to my eyes.
I know it's unfair to compare people. I know it's unfair to compare this me to the "old" me. My therapists at the Glenrose told me over and over again. You have GBS. You need to start fresh.
My brain is funny. It seems to think that comparisons somehow qualify things. Quality control. I think I need to take some time to re-evaluate what my values are.
I've been falling behind with a lot of my requirements. I've been exhausted. This month has been crazy. These are excuses. I think there's a lot of re-evaluation required at this point.
Weird. I compare everything. I know I do. It's not something I do mindfully, it's just second nature at this point. It's been said to me many times by many different people that it's not always in my best interests to use comparisons all the time. This is better than that. I like this person more than that person because this person does such and such better. I was better before GBS. It took me about 2 seconds of reflection to bring tears to my eyes.
I know it's unfair to compare people. I know it's unfair to compare this me to the "old" me. My therapists at the Glenrose told me over and over again. You have GBS. You need to start fresh.
My brain is funny. It seems to think that comparisons somehow qualify things. Quality control. I think I need to take some time to re-evaluate what my values are.
I've been falling behind with a lot of my requirements. I've been exhausted. This month has been crazy. These are excuses. I think there's a lot of re-evaluation required at this point.
Tuesday 17 May 2016
Sweet Relief...
These past few weeks have been a lot for me. I'll try to start somewhere, it might be a long entry. And that's why you blog regularly Mel.. (right)
I've started a diet, or a "lifestyle change" as it was suggested to me to refer to it. I'm in the process of reading a book called "The Wahls Protocol". It's fascinating to me because it compounds a lot of things I knew about food, with a lot of things I didn't. Dr. Wahls is a medical doctor that was diagnosed with progressive MS and was to the point where she was in a tilt-recline wheelchair. She started using her diet and exercise to treat herself, and is now fully functional again. As GBS is also a auto-immune disease that attacks the nervous system, I thought to myself, "what better way to recover and prevent relapse than something I ultimately have control over?". The diet focuses on nutrient dense foods (lots of veggies and fruit), healthy fats, and nutrient dense organ meat and bone broth. There's a lot more to it than that (like no gluten and dairy) but I'm making slow changes so that it feels more sustainable. Here's a link to her Ted Talk if anyone is interested.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLjgBLwH3Wc
The Pandamonium was so much fun for me. I know we didn't make the mark, but the energy of everyone that participated really made my heart feel full. I don't know if that is a great way of describing it, but it's the only words that came to mind. I felt fulfilled on the inside, if not satisfied by my level of engagement. The woman that was representing the Children's Ability Fund is actually the mother of one of my therapists from the Glenrose. It was nice to get the chance to interact with all the people from the charities.
I had my midterm today for one of the courses that I'm enrolled in 'Introduction to Business Management'. I've been stressed about it for a couple of weeks now, and it's nice that it's over. I have no idea what my mark is going to be. I usually do pretty well on multiple choice, but the long answer questions were tough. I'll just have to be patient I suppose. Another one of my many virtues (sarcasm).
I also had a reassessment for my therapy at the Glenrose yesterday. My therapist basically allowed me to say whether or not I still found it beneficial. I had to think about it. The Glenrose is far from convenient for me, but I do still think I'm getting a major benefit from my therapy. So for the next two weeks I'm free, and then I'm back to actually more times a week because we're trying to work on my endurance a little bit. Yesterday was interesting as well because I had an OT student with me for my assessment, and he shared that he also had GBS in the past and is now fully recovered. I thought it was kind of cool that he decided to become an occupational therapist. He's had first hand experience into the rehab and recovery process. That's an insight not everyone has.
Okay. I'm done I think. I'm going to try and relax for the next couple of weeks. We'll see. Thanks for reading :)
I've started a diet, or a "lifestyle change" as it was suggested to me to refer to it. I'm in the process of reading a book called "The Wahls Protocol". It's fascinating to me because it compounds a lot of things I knew about food, with a lot of things I didn't. Dr. Wahls is a medical doctor that was diagnosed with progressive MS and was to the point where she was in a tilt-recline wheelchair. She started using her diet and exercise to treat herself, and is now fully functional again. As GBS is also a auto-immune disease that attacks the nervous system, I thought to myself, "what better way to recover and prevent relapse than something I ultimately have control over?". The diet focuses on nutrient dense foods (lots of veggies and fruit), healthy fats, and nutrient dense organ meat and bone broth. There's a lot more to it than that (like no gluten and dairy) but I'm making slow changes so that it feels more sustainable. Here's a link to her Ted Talk if anyone is interested.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLjgBLwH3Wc
The Pandamonium was so much fun for me. I know we didn't make the mark, but the energy of everyone that participated really made my heart feel full. I don't know if that is a great way of describing it, but it's the only words that came to mind. I felt fulfilled on the inside, if not satisfied by my level of engagement. The woman that was representing the Children's Ability Fund is actually the mother of one of my therapists from the Glenrose. It was nice to get the chance to interact with all the people from the charities.
I had my midterm today for one of the courses that I'm enrolled in 'Introduction to Business Management'. I've been stressed about it for a couple of weeks now, and it's nice that it's over. I have no idea what my mark is going to be. I usually do pretty well on multiple choice, but the long answer questions were tough. I'll just have to be patient I suppose. Another one of my many virtues (sarcasm).
I also had a reassessment for my therapy at the Glenrose yesterday. My therapist basically allowed me to say whether or not I still found it beneficial. I had to think about it. The Glenrose is far from convenient for me, but I do still think I'm getting a major benefit from my therapy. So for the next two weeks I'm free, and then I'm back to actually more times a week because we're trying to work on my endurance a little bit. Yesterday was interesting as well because I had an OT student with me for my assessment, and he shared that he also had GBS in the past and is now fully recovered. I thought it was kind of cool that he decided to become an occupational therapist. He's had first hand experience into the rehab and recovery process. That's an insight not everyone has.
Okay. I'm done I think. I'm going to try and relax for the next couple of weeks. We'll see. Thanks for reading :)
Monday 2 May 2016
The Children's Ability Fund
The pandamonium is something I struggled with last year and I continue to struggle with this year. It's not fundraising. I don't mind asking people for money, although I'm not so good at approaching strangers. It's that no one knows that I'm fundraising until it's over and done. There's no public record of my goals or intentions or of my passion for the difference I'm making in people's lives.
Sifu Brinker challenged us to three acts of engagement a day. So I've been making my efforts. He suggested a long time ago to choose one charity that really speaks to you and stand behind that one for your fundraising. I really struggled with that. I think all the charities we support make great impacts on the communities they serve. I'm (I think) a very compassionate and empathetic person and I want people to see the merits of every charity we support. I mean come on... Sending girls to school in Malawi, rescuing cute lovable animals, educating people about the role of wolves in their own ecosystem and the possible synergy of our species, or helping homeless people in Kathmandu. But, most people don't want to spend the time to really listen or the energy to really care.
So I spent a lot of time really thinking about the charities and studying them. The Children's Ability Fund is the one that I can really feel the most empathy towards. The past year I went from fully paralyzed, to learning to feed myself again. I distinctly remember the first time my physiotherapist helped me sit up in bed, and I still think it was one of the scariest things I had to go through during my recovery. After I was able to sit up on my own, they used a power lift to get me in and out of my wheelchair because I couldn't yet stand. The wheelchair I had while at the Glenrose gave me so much freedom to really move around on my own, and when I was ready, I moved onto a walker, and moved out of the hospital shortly after. I took my walker home and I had to have a bath seat so I could shower on my own because I couldn't stand for so long and I didn't have great balance.
As much as I was happy to move on from all of these things, I can still appreciate the huge difference it all made to my quality of life. The freedom to go outside on a beautiful day, the freedom to bathe on my own, and the freedom to move through my house and actually do things for myself. I read many of the stories of the clients of the Children's Ability Fund. Many of them are severely disabled and without the help of this charity, they wouldn't be able to have that same quality of life. Some of them would be bedridden, or stuck in their homes with the burden of the cost of equipment left to their families. I know that burden, and it's certainly not one that a child should have to bear.
Sifu Brinker challenged us to three acts of engagement a day. So I've been making my efforts. He suggested a long time ago to choose one charity that really speaks to you and stand behind that one for your fundraising. I really struggled with that. I think all the charities we support make great impacts on the communities they serve. I'm (I think) a very compassionate and empathetic person and I want people to see the merits of every charity we support. I mean come on... Sending girls to school in Malawi, rescuing cute lovable animals, educating people about the role of wolves in their own ecosystem and the possible synergy of our species, or helping homeless people in Kathmandu. But, most people don't want to spend the time to really listen or the energy to really care.
So I spent a lot of time really thinking about the charities and studying them. The Children's Ability Fund is the one that I can really feel the most empathy towards. The past year I went from fully paralyzed, to learning to feed myself again. I distinctly remember the first time my physiotherapist helped me sit up in bed, and I still think it was one of the scariest things I had to go through during my recovery. After I was able to sit up on my own, they used a power lift to get me in and out of my wheelchair because I couldn't yet stand. The wheelchair I had while at the Glenrose gave me so much freedom to really move around on my own, and when I was ready, I moved onto a walker, and moved out of the hospital shortly after. I took my walker home and I had to have a bath seat so I could shower on my own because I couldn't stand for so long and I didn't have great balance.
As much as I was happy to move on from all of these things, I can still appreciate the huge difference it all made to my quality of life. The freedom to go outside on a beautiful day, the freedom to bathe on my own, and the freedom to move through my house and actually do things for myself. I read many of the stories of the clients of the Children's Ability Fund. Many of them are severely disabled and without the help of this charity, they wouldn't be able to have that same quality of life. Some of them would be bedridden, or stuck in their homes with the burden of the cost of equipment left to their families. I know that burden, and it's certainly not one that a child should have to bear.
Sunday 24 April 2016
Travels
I was thinking about travelling today, and I realized something interesting. I've been travelling a lot lately. It's not for work.. it's for pleasure. But it makes me think a lot about my journeys. As I sit on the train and watch the scenery fly past, I'm reminded of my own life. The beautiful parts sometimes seem to be just flying by me. I am constantly trying to remember all the important moments. I know I'll forget many of them, but everything I do adjusts my course ever so slightly.
I've had the opportunity this week to visit my great aunts in the Toronto area. My grandma and one of my other aunts live out where we are but, she has three more sisters whom I've met, but I've never come here to visit. It was my great Aunt and Uncle's 50th wedding anniversary yesterday and we had a surprise party which had some old photos and videos of my aunts when they were younger, and of my mom being a child, growing into a teenager with some of her cousins. Those are the kind of moments that I try to treasure in my own life. I think my long lasting brush with death helped me to see those moments for what they are. Tiny moments in time, that shape who you grow to be. I don't feel much older than I did when I was a young adult.
It was also a time for me to reflect on the choices that they made in their own lives and how they've affected them. My grandmother is only 2 years older than my Aunt Sally, but she looks a decade older. She gave into old age long before her time, absence of any real exercise and developing type 2 diabetes that she makes no effort to manage have left her barely mobile, unable to take care of herself. It's sad, but a very strong reminder of what difference our attitudes and perception can make in the long run.
I've made the decision to make some serious changes in my lifestyle and diet. Some were easy choices, some were more difficult, and even more difficult to follow through with. But I think these changes will be worth the benefit, slowly but surely, I will fully recover.
I've had the opportunity this week to visit my great aunts in the Toronto area. My grandma and one of my other aunts live out where we are but, she has three more sisters whom I've met, but I've never come here to visit. It was my great Aunt and Uncle's 50th wedding anniversary yesterday and we had a surprise party which had some old photos and videos of my aunts when they were younger, and of my mom being a child, growing into a teenager with some of her cousins. Those are the kind of moments that I try to treasure in my own life. I think my long lasting brush with death helped me to see those moments for what they are. Tiny moments in time, that shape who you grow to be. I don't feel much older than I did when I was a young adult.
It was also a time for me to reflect on the choices that they made in their own lives and how they've affected them. My grandmother is only 2 years older than my Aunt Sally, but she looks a decade older. She gave into old age long before her time, absence of any real exercise and developing type 2 diabetes that she makes no effort to manage have left her barely mobile, unable to take care of herself. It's sad, but a very strong reminder of what difference our attitudes and perception can make in the long run.I've made the decision to make some serious changes in my lifestyle and diet. Some were easy choices, some were more difficult, and even more difficult to follow through with. But I think these changes will be worth the benefit, slowly but surely, I will fully recover.
Friday 15 April 2016
New York
I think a lot. Sometimes it gets hard to sort through the confusing stream of consciousness, to come up with some semblance of a real idea. Anyways.. I digress.
The third blog I've missed this year was last week. And I could make many excuses but, really there's no good reason except that I allowed myself to be distracted from my commitments.
I spent five days in New York this past week. Which was so awesome! It was the wedding of one of my classmates from China, and although not all of my other classmates could make it, we had a wonderful half reunion. It was so easy to get back into the groove with them. Hanging out and making jokes for hours. Going to the museum and for walks in central park. On our last night we went bowling. The first game I bombed, but the second game I won. Got into the groove I guess.
The thing I noticed though is how easy it is to get caught back in old habits. And here I'm not talking about training.. those would be good habits for the most part. I'm talking about the negativity that surrounds our class at times in regards to each other, and our time in China. There was a lot of really hard stuff to deal with then but as I look back on it now I see how fortunate I was to be able to spend my days devoted to my training. Then cons of being there certainly don't outweigh the pros, but my classmates and I sometimes stuck ourselves in a cycle of negativity and cynicism. I understand that some people played more of a part in this than others but, at times, we all played our roles.
I love my classmates like brothers and sisters, and there is a bond there that can't be replaced. When you live with someone for 5 years, you have to learn to love one another. I just hope that as time passes, we can let go of that destructive attitude, and learn to be more magnanimous.
The third blog I've missed this year was last week. And I could make many excuses but, really there's no good reason except that I allowed myself to be distracted from my commitments.
I spent five days in New York this past week. Which was so awesome! It was the wedding of one of my classmates from China, and although not all of my other classmates could make it, we had a wonderful half reunion. It was so easy to get back into the groove with them. Hanging out and making jokes for hours. Going to the museum and for walks in central park. On our last night we went bowling. The first game I bombed, but the second game I won. Got into the groove I guess.
The thing I noticed though is how easy it is to get caught back in old habits. And here I'm not talking about training.. those would be good habits for the most part. I'm talking about the negativity that surrounds our class at times in regards to each other, and our time in China. There was a lot of really hard stuff to deal with then but as I look back on it now I see how fortunate I was to be able to spend my days devoted to my training. Then cons of being there certainly don't outweigh the pros, but my classmates and I sometimes stuck ourselves in a cycle of negativity and cynicism. I understand that some people played more of a part in this than others but, at times, we all played our roles.
I love my classmates like brothers and sisters, and there is a bond there that can't be replaced. When you live with someone for 5 years, you have to learn to love one another. I just hope that as time passes, we can let go of that destructive attitude, and learn to be more magnanimous.
Wednesday 30 March 2016
Oxymorons
I had a great long weekend this weekend. My family all drove to Vancouver to visit my aunt and uncle and my two quite young cousins. It was interesting having someone so attached to me. My cousin Nova just wanted me to be everywhere she was and do everything she was doing. A couple occasions I had to disappoint her, but all in all, we had a great time together. I was talking to my mom and asked her why she thought Nova was so attached, and she suggested it might be because the last time they visited, I was still in the hospital. I was talking, but it was just after I had started talking, and I was still in rough shape.
Today I had another experience that got me thinking. A rep from one of the companies I deal with at my parent's shop came to talk with me about supplies. He said he heard I was sick and asked me a few questions. I gave a brief description of GBS and my situation and he commented how amazed he was with my good spirits.
I started thinking. Am I happy, or is it just that I'm so used to being happy that I don't know how to act? Am I happy? What counts as happy? Am I in good spirits?
GBS is this thing that has left me very confused with my emotions. I'm happy but, I'm also sad and frustrated. I laugh, but I also cry so easily. Everyone has good and bad days... I just have more bad than I used to? I get tired. And then I get grumpy with the people I love, and then I feel guilty and angry. I'm constantly worried about whether I'm going to be one of the unlucky ones that has GBS more than once.
I've been reading some Calvin and Hobbes lately, can you tell?
Today I had another experience that got me thinking. A rep from one of the companies I deal with at my parent's shop came to talk with me about supplies. He said he heard I was sick and asked me a few questions. I gave a brief description of GBS and my situation and he commented how amazed he was with my good spirits.
GBS is this thing that has left me very confused with my emotions. I'm happy but, I'm also sad and frustrated. I laugh, but I also cry so easily. Everyone has good and bad days... I just have more bad than I used to? I get tired. And then I get grumpy with the people I love, and then I feel guilty and angry. I'm constantly worried about whether I'm going to be one of the unlucky ones that has GBS more than once.
I've been reading some Calvin and Hobbes lately, can you tell?
Wednesday 23 March 2016
Family Obligation
Acts of kindness are something that I'm struggling with. It's not that I don't think I'm kind, but am I mindfully kind? Sometimes..
It takes about 5 minutes before I realize that I did something kind. It's like I perform an act of kindness but, it takes time for it to sink in. Like, oh yeah! That was kind of me.
So I'm making an effort this week to be more mindful of my actions. I'm a compassionate person, but I think being more aware of my actions can really just make me more thoughtful and mindful of the what I'm doing and why I'm doing it and who I'm doing them for, and how people are benefiting myself included.
Last week I went to my Aunt's house to help her move some of the stuff out of her basement. I was thinking to myself on the way there that I would have preferred to be going because I wanted to help her out. And I did. But I also felt obligated to go because she's my Aunt, and she's done a lot for me. It made me question my motivation for kindness. Sometimes it's tough with family to make the distinction between duty and graciousness. Hopefully working on being more mindful, will help with my perspective.
It takes about 5 minutes before I realize that I did something kind. It's like I perform an act of kindness but, it takes time for it to sink in. Like, oh yeah! That was kind of me.So I'm making an effort this week to be more mindful of my actions. I'm a compassionate person, but I think being more aware of my actions can really just make me more thoughtful and mindful of the what I'm doing and why I'm doing it and who I'm doing them for, and how people are benefiting
Last week I went to my Aunt's house to help her move some of the stuff out of her basement. I was thinking to myself on the way there that I would have preferred to be going because I wanted to help her out. And I did. But I also felt obligated to go because she's my Aunt, and she's done a lot for me. It made me question my motivation for kindness. Sometimes it's tough with family to make the distinction between duty and graciousness. Hopefully working on being more mindful, will help with my perspective.
Wednesday 16 March 2016
Day Seized
I am very competitive by nature. It's something that I'm constantly battling. I decided it's good I didn't play team sports when I was a kid. Kung fu was perfect for me. Something that encourages that you work together, but at the same time for individual progress.
I try hard not to compare myself to others but I spend a lot of time also competing with myself. Am I better than I was yesterday? Can I do more of this than I could before? It helps me push myself, but during this experience I've also learned that sometimes I can't do more than I could yesterday. Whether it's life or injuries or some other I should just be able to do my best today. Be satisfied with my best everyday. Numbers give you a goal, or a quantifiable amount to mark your progress. If at the end of the day I can say that I devoted myself to the pursuit of mastery, I should feel like the day was a success. I'm working on it.
I try hard not to compare myself to others but I spend a lot of time also competing with myself. Am I better than I was yesterday? Can I do more of this than I could before? It helps me push myself, but during this experience I've also learned that sometimes I can't do more than I could yesterday. Whether it's life or injuries or some other I should just be able to do my best today. Be satisfied with my best everyday. Numbers give you a goal, or a quantifiable amount to mark your progress. If at the end of the day I can say that I devoted myself to the pursuit of mastery, I should feel like the day was a success. I'm working on it.Monday 14 March 2016
First Slump
I had a rough week this week. Started out strong, got a bit of not so great news on Wednesday and then Bam! Where did the week go and how did I only get 4 reps of Tai Chi in? Why is my blog not done? Mel was in la-la land for the past 4 days. Time to pick herself up and start again.
The worst part of it is that I was just getting a nice rhythm going but I just let it all kind of fall off the plate and now I've got to pick it back up again. Making things a bit harder on myself. But this is a new week, and I'm sure I can do it because I've done it before.
There's not a lot of coherent thoughts in my brain at 8am, so I'm going to wrap it up here.
The worst part of it is that I was just getting a nice rhythm going but I just let it all kind of fall off the plate and now I've got to pick it back up again. Making things a bit harder on myself. But this is a new week, and I'm sure I can do it because I've done it before.
There's not a lot of coherent thoughts in my brain at 8am, so I'm going to wrap it up here.
Sunday 6 March 2016
The Next Generation of Management
So, I'm sitting at the table studying, and the theme to Star Trek The Next Generation comes on. I'm taking a course called Introduction to Management through Athabasca University and today I'm reading about organizational heroes and organizational stories. The music seemed fitting to me because as I'm reading about organizational heroes I start to parallel my experiences at Silent River with my love of The Next Generation.
Of course Captain Picard is trying to constantly trying to inspire in his crew the abilities and characteristics that I think we value at Silent River. Compassion, empathy, patience, the ability to teach and to lead, the importance of community and our peers, and of course, the passion for our mission. We tell organizational stories to remind ourselves and our peers of our values and beliefs, and to teach people that are new to our organization why those values and beliefs still apply to the world that we live in, and the importance of what we're trying to accomplish.
I'm sure when someone wrote this business textbook they had no idea where my mind was going to go with this. But I think the best way to learn is to apply the things that I'm learning to my own life and my own experiences, and so although this may not be the application intended, I think it has just as much, if not more, value.
I know I'm probably nerding out right now and a lot of people are either too old or way too cool to know what I'm talking about. But, the message is hopefully there.
Of course Captain Picard is trying to constantly trying to inspire in his crew the abilities and characteristics that I think we value at Silent River. Compassion, empathy, patience, the ability to teach and to lead, the importance of community and our peers, and of course, the passion for our mission. We tell organizational stories to remind ourselves and our peers of our values and beliefs, and to teach people that are new to our organization why those values and beliefs still apply to the world that we live in, and the importance of what we're trying to accomplish.
I'm sure when someone wrote this business textbook they had no idea where my mind was going to go with this. But I think the best way to learn is to apply the things that I'm learning to my own life and my own experiences, and so although this may not be the application intended, I think it has just as much, if not more, value.
I know I'm probably nerding out right now and a lot of people are either too old or way too cool to know what I'm talking about. But, the message is hopefully there.
Friday 26 February 2016
My Final Assessment
I had my neurological reassessment yesterday. Basically, 3 months after discharge, they do full check up to see how your recovery is progressing. It was 4 hours and I met with each of my original therapists from my inpatient stay at the Glenrose. It was kind of cool. I mean some of the people I really didn't need much follow up with, because I already didn't really need much from them on discharge. Other people it was a little different. I definitely have made a lot of progress since I left, and I think it's pretty obvious in most ways, but less obvious in some others.
There was a couple of things that really stuck with me. The first was that I asked the neurologist if there was anything I could do, not necessarily to increase the speed of my recovery, but to increase the odds of me reaching a full recovery. Some people with GBS fully recover, and some people don't, and scientifically, they don't have a lot of reason one way or the other. She basically told me no. But she did say that one of the most important things that I do was to keep working at it. She said a lot of times the people that don't fully recover are the people that stop trying because they reach a level of functionality, and everything past that is too difficult. I took that to heart. I've never been one to give up, but I do struggle with follow through, hence one of the reasons that I've really benefited from the I Ho Chuan.
Another thing that really stuck out to me was the talk that I had with my physio. He basically said no one can tell me whether or not I'm going to get full function back at this point. But he made a pretty funny reference to old kung fu movies. He said "you know how the old guy always beats up the young, fit, cocky, kung fu guy? That's not because he's stronger or fitter. It's because he's had the experience to know how to use his body to his advantage." He also said to me that I basically have an end goal, whatever it may be. There's lots of different paths I can take to get to that same place. Some of them might be more difficult, and I might have to be more a lot more resourceful.
There was a couple of things that really stuck with me. The first was that I asked the neurologist if there was anything I could do, not necessarily to increase the speed of my recovery, but to increase the odds of me reaching a full recovery. Some people with GBS fully recover, and some people don't, and scientifically, they don't have a lot of reason one way or the other. She basically told me no. But she did say that one of the most important things that I do was to keep working at it. She said a lot of times the people that don't fully recover are the people that stop trying because they reach a level of functionality, and everything past that is too difficult. I took that to heart. I've never been one to give up, but I do struggle with follow through, hence one of the reasons that I've really benefited from the I Ho Chuan.
Another thing that really stuck out to me was the talk that I had with my physio. He basically said no one can tell me whether or not I'm going to get full function back at this point. But he made a pretty funny reference to old kung fu movies. He said "you know how the old guy always beats up the young, fit, cocky, kung fu guy? That's not because he's stronger or fitter. It's because he's had the experience to know how to use his body to his advantage." He also said to me that I basically have an end goal, whatever it may be. There's lots of different paths I can take to get to that same place. Some of them might be more difficult, and I might have to be more a lot more resourceful.
Friday 19 February 2016
To Change or Not to Change
I have to admit that I am a person that normally thrives on change. I like to go on trips to explore new and exciting things. I've never had the same job for more than 2 years. I consider consistent change to mean consistent growth.
But, since the GBS, I've found the change a lot more frightening. I want to feel more grounded. I put my plans to move out of province on hold. I'm not ready to take that big of a step. I suppose part of the it is that I don't really know when I'll be fully recovered. It can take up to 2 years to get full function back. I've been improving really quickly, but doctors and therapists consistently warn me of the possibility of plateaus in my progress.
My Uncle asked me, during one of our conversations the other day, how I stay positive. All I could say was that I just try to keep my eye on small improvements that I notice daily or weekly and that it really helps keep me motivated. I did my first knee pushup on Wednesday and I went through the house and told everyone. I was really excited. Even though I could only do it once. It didn't matter. I mean, that's one more than I could do a month ago. That means that all of my effort is doing something. The interesting thing about learning to do everything over again is that it gives you an opportunity to really break everything down and learn about how all of the parts of your body work together. I know it seems weird, but in so many ways, this experience has given me so many new opportunities. I've learned a lot. I'm changing on the inside. This has been an opportunity for huge spiritual growth.
Numbers for Feb. 8-14
Pushups (modified) - 480
Situps - 580
Tai Chi - 25
Nunchaku - 28
KMs - 33.86km
AOK - 12
Meditation - 0
Calligraphy - 0
But, since the GBS, I've found the change a lot more frightening. I want to feel more grounded. I put my plans to move out of province on hold. I'm not ready to take that big of a step. I suppose part of the it is that I don't really know when I'll be fully recovered. It can take up to 2 years to get full function back. I've been improving really quickly, but doctors and therapists consistently warn me of the possibility of plateaus in my progress.
My Uncle asked me, during one of our conversations the other day, how I stay positive. All I could say was that I just try to keep my eye on small improvements that I notice daily or weekly and that it really helps keep me motivated. I did my first knee pushup on Wednesday and I went through the house and told everyone. I was really excited. Even though I could only do it once. It didn't matter. I mean, that's one more than I could do a month ago. That means that all of my effort is doing something. The interesting thing about learning to do everything over again is that it gives you an opportunity to really break everything down and learn about how all of the parts of your body work together. I know it seems weird, but in so many ways, this experience has given me so many new opportunities. I've learned a lot. I'm changing on the inside. This has been an opportunity for huge spiritual growth.
Numbers for Feb. 8-14
Pushups (modified) - 480
Situps - 580
Tai Chi - 25
Nunchaku - 28
KMs - 33.86km
AOK - 12
Meditation - 0
Calligraphy - 0
Friday 12 February 2016
Alabama Reflection
I am a very fortunate person. I could spend a day listing all of the things that I have to be grateful for just in this past year. When I really think about it, I've had so many amazing opportunities, and I've also been lucky in the people I've been able to spend my time with.
We've been talking in the I Ho Chuan meetings a bit about Alabama. I sit and reflect about our trip there all the time. There's something special about a place like that. Sometimes I feel as though it's there as a constant reminder of how lucky I am. Not only that, but it also reminds me often of how important empathy is, and compassion, and I try to apply those thoughts to the things I do every day.
I met some extraordinary people. I met them and it made me realize that they ARE extraordinary but, not because of a cape that they wear or because they're famous. They're extraordinary because they're just like me in so many ways. Just regular people, working towards their own personal mastery. And that is something that is really amazing to see. That, in itself, is worth the trip. That is the kind of person I'm working to be. And it's incredibly inspiring.
We've been talking in the I Ho Chuan meetings a bit about Alabama. I sit and reflect about our trip there all the time. There's something special about a place like that. Sometimes I feel as though it's there as a constant reminder of how lucky I am. Not only that, but it also reminds me often of how important empathy is, and compassion, and I try to apply those thoughts to the things I do every day.
I met some extraordinary people. I met them and it made me realize that they ARE extraordinary but, not because of a cape that they wear or because they're famous. They're extraordinary because they're just like me in so many ways. Just regular people, working towards their own personal mastery. And that is something that is really amazing to see. That, in itself, is worth the trip. That is the kind of person I'm working to be. And it's incredibly inspiring.
Friday 5 February 2016
Sihing
Listening to Sifu Hayes talk about the rank of Sihing yesterday, reminded me a lot of my time in China. He reminded me of when I achieved the rank of Sihing and then was kind of left to my own devices. It's interesting how lost you can become when you are used to someone leading you down the path with a harness and then, all of a sudden, even though you've walked the path a thousand times, they take off the harness, and want you to walk the path on your own. Sometimes feeling lost can lead to frustration and anger. Even though it's completely unwarranted. Although I never felt that about my training at Silent River, I had a similar experience.
In China there was a very interesting period near the end of our time there where we were 'set free'. At the time, my classmates and I felt a lot of bitterness about it because we hadn't finished learning the discussed curriculum, and we felt we were kind of being cheated out of our education let's say. Now, I see it was a very crucial part of the training for me, and it was a test from our Master. You see, many of his students had become teachers at his school. I know that part of the scenario sounds familiar. But, I would say 90% of those students had stopped practicing altogether, and had none of their own goals. They taught mostly for the money and, spent a lot of the time when Shifu was not around, sitting and playing on their phones.
This period was a very trying time. Shifu just left us to practice on our own. Without feedback, often it's difficult to feel like you're improving. But, I still pushed myself to go to class everyday. I had faith I suppose. And I knew I already had a million things to work on. I also learned how to motivate myself to practice. This is something that has helped me every day. I know how important it is to keep working and moving forward. And I know that having that period of time to practice my own self discipline right before I came home, really helped set me up for a positive reintegration back into what I would call 'normal' life. Where the average person doesn't have 8 hours every day to spend training, but somehow still drives themselves to make constant improvements.
In China there was a very interesting period near the end of our time there where we were 'set free'. At the time, my classmates and I felt a lot of bitterness about it because we hadn't finished learning the discussed curriculum, and we felt we were kind of being cheated out of our education let's say. Now, I see it was a very crucial part of the training for me, and it was a test from our Master. You see, many of his students had become teachers at his school. I know that part of the scenario sounds familiar. But, I would say 90% of those students had stopped practicing altogether, and had none of their own goals. They taught mostly for the money and, spent a lot of the time when Shifu was not around, sitting and playing on their phones.
This period was a very trying time. Shifu just left us to practice on our own. Without feedback, often it's difficult to feel like you're improving. But, I still pushed myself to go to class everyday. I had faith I suppose. And I knew I already had a million things to work on. I also learned how to motivate myself to practice. This is something that has helped me every day. I know how important it is to keep working and moving forward. And I know that having that period of time to practice my own self discipline right before I came home, really helped set me up for a positive reintegration back into what I would call 'normal' life. Where the average person doesn't have 8 hours every day to spend training, but somehow still drives themselves to make constant improvements.
"Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it."
~Lou Holtz
Sunday 31 January 2016
Building My Vocabulary
I was having an interesting talk with Sifu R. Langner in class on Friday night this week about the difference in teaching with your words vs. teaching by demonstration. I've always admired the ability of someone that could explain a concept without actually moving. It's almost like poetry to watch someone that has that kind of vocabulary and can explain themselves in that clear and concise of a way.
I'm generally a kinaesthetic learner. I absorb things much better once I actually do them myself or I can get my hands on them. I can really get the 'feel' of them that way. And as far as Kung fu goes, I'd say the same. I like to watch someone do something, then I like to practice it a dozen or so times myself, before I feel I can be left to my own devices. But to have someone only explain something to me, sometimes can be confusing. Words can be difficult to interpret the meaning of depending on who's delivering them.
I've never felt as an instructor, confident in my abilities to clearly explain things so that a student wouldn't need to interpret what I was saying. I've realized that this is one of the reasons that developing my vocabulary is so important to my personal growth. I've been thinking a lot lately about the value of journaling my journey. I'm really excited to look back in one year from now to see the progress I've made in this aspect.
I'm generally a kinaesthetic learner. I absorb things much better once I actually do them myself or I can get my hands on them. I can really get the 'feel' of them that way. And as far as Kung fu goes, I'd say the same. I like to watch someone do something, then I like to practice it a dozen or so times myself, before I feel I can be left to my own devices. But to have someone only explain something to me, sometimes can be confusing. Words can be difficult to interpret the meaning of depending on who's delivering them.
I've never felt as an instructor, confident in my abilities to clearly explain things so that a student wouldn't need to interpret what I was saying. I've realized that this is one of the reasons that developing my vocabulary is so important to my personal growth. I've been thinking a lot lately about the value of journaling my journey. I'm really excited to look back in one year from now to see the progress I've made in this aspect.
Friday 22 January 2016
Meditation
Meditation has always been a struggle for me, and I imagine in some ways I will continue to struggle with it. But lately, I've been so lucky to have been having wonderful meditation sessions.
In China, we were never given the option of whether or not we should meditate. It was part of our program, and if you weren't there, it was considered an unexcused absence. We never really worked our way into it, we were just taught how to "sit" told to focus on our breath, and basically were forced to do it for an hour straight off the bat. Which for some was totally fine. Probably exactly what they needed. But I always struggled through it. Even in the end when I was sitting for an hour voluntarily, I was never really getting any pleasure out of it. I did it, because I knew somewhere in my mind it was good for me.
So I've always wondered, how does one become good at meditation? How can you qualify good vs. poor meditation? Should I be focused so much on how long I'm sitting? How can I improve the quality of my meditation minutes?
The funny thing is, I have no answers to these questions I've pondered for so many years. I've painfully sat through countless meditation sessions wondering how my peers were improving so much more than me.
So here's my post GBS breakthrough. My mind is quieter, I worry less. I sit, and I'm less comfortable, but I just don't care. I take pleasure in just sitting quietly and breathing. I don't set a time limit. I do it. And it feels really grounding. It feels good to feel the muscles in my back that are tired and sore. I breathe into them and they relax. And I relax. And I feel like my day was a good one. Even sometimes when it wasn't. It's so much easier to let my mind go and just breathe.
In China, we were never given the option of whether or not we should meditate. It was part of our program, and if you weren't there, it was considered an unexcused absence. We never really worked our way into it, we were just taught how to "sit" told to focus on our breath, and basically were forced to do it for an hour straight off the bat. Which for some was totally fine. Probably exactly what they needed. But I always struggled through it. Even in the end when I was sitting for an hour voluntarily, I was never really getting any pleasure out of it. I did it, because I knew somewhere in my mind it was good for me.
So I've always wondered, how does one become good at meditation? How can you qualify good vs. poor meditation? Should I be focused so much on how long I'm sitting? How can I improve the quality of my meditation minutes?
The funny thing is, I have no answers to these questions I've pondered for so many years. I've painfully sat through countless meditation sessions wondering how my peers were improving so much more than me.
So here's my post GBS breakthrough. My mind is quieter, I worry less. I sit, and I'm less comfortable, but I just don't care. I take pleasure in just sitting quietly and breathing. I don't set a time limit. I do it. And it feels really grounding. It feels good to feel the muscles in my back that are tired and sore. I breathe into them and they relax. And I relax. And I feel like my day was a good one. Even sometimes when it wasn't. It's so much easier to let my mind go and just breathe.
Wednesday 13 January 2016
Sheep
We talked at the meeting about reflecting back on the I Ho Chuan year and thinking about all the changes we've made and about the positive effect the I Ho Chuan has had on us. It's hard for me to reflect back on this year without ending up in tears.
I hit this amazing peak. I got my black belt, finally. After all this time. I went to Alabama and I met so many amazing people, and I did so much good work that I truly felt fantastic about. We had the pandamonium- my first - that I had so much fun at. And then pretty shortly after that, I was hospitalized with GBS. There is nothing so vulnerable as being completely paralyzed and being unable to speak.
I cried so many times when people talked about Kung fu and my time in China. So many times I questioned, why did I go through all of that, just so I could end up here? It seems so unfair that after spending 5 years in China, cultivating my health, I should be the one to end up in a hospital bed. Over and over again, my friends and family told me, that I probably would recover really quickly because I was already in such good shape. Or how my training prepared me mentally to handle the pain. Or how maybe my practice helped me to cultivate patience and understanding.
It's hard to look at positive things that come from this type of experience. It's so difficult not to dwell in the suffering. It's so frustrating to start again with so many things. The hardest thing is being patient with myself. But here I am still at it. And why? Because I've never been satisfied with mediocrity. If there's one thing I've learned from the I Ho Chuan, it's that every day is a new day to strive towards mastery. I really can look at that from a new perspective this year.
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