A Blog About Blogging

I can't think of anything to write about. I've been struggling so much lately putting my thoughts into words. I'm not sure if it's because I'm distracted. I don't feel distracted but I don't feel like I can express my thoughts clearly and concisely.

It's frustrating! I've never been a very regular blogger, but I always felt like when I wrote a post, there was some kind of point to it, but I have started and saved so many blogs in the last few months and about halfway through each one of them, I get to a point where I start to ask myself, "what am I even talking about here?". I'm hitting the same point about now, but I've decided if I never finish another blog I might as well just close this stupid account.

One of the reasons I haven't chosen to do that is because I think I'm better at writing thoughts than saying them, and if I'm ever going to be an instructor, I'm going to need tools to help me hone these skills. The problem being that if I don't use the tools, then they're useless anyways. I'm going to have to come up with some kind of way to make myself accountable to my journalling. I know I can do it, I just need to put in the effort. *sigh*

Beginning the Fourth Year

September 1st was the end of our third year so I've been looking back at the time I've spent here, an thinking about all the changes that  I've made (intentional or otherwise).

Physically, if you're training every day for 8 hours, there's just naturally going to be physical changes. A person wouldn't even have to try very hard to improve their strength and stamina. If a person has self discipline, this is a great place to immerse yourself in kung fu.

Mentally, the changes that my training here have precipitated, are too many to count. My emotional being has changed so completely. I have a much better understanding of myself, and the things that make me tick. I know what motivates me, I know what depresses me, I know what angers me and I know what calms me down, and through all of this knowledge I have really started to learn to control my emotions and my thoughts. I say that I have started to learn, because I believe that this will be a lifelong adventure. The world will continue to throw new situations and new people in my direction, and I will have to learn to adapt which in turn, will cause another step in my evolution as a human being.

Five years is the longest commitment I've made in my life. I've never gone to college or university, and I've never worked at one job for more than a couple of years. I love kung fu, and I love how I am able to spend so much of my time cultivating myself. Most people never see this opportunity, and I hope that I can continue to progress and learn more about myself in my remaining time here.

The Future

I'm not sure what it is lately, maybe the fact that we're coming up on the three year mark here in China, but it seems that lately, many people have been asking me about my future plans. I don't generally like to think too much about my future back in Canada. Not only does it tend to distract me from my current training, but it usually makes me quite homesick.

I know I want to open a school. I don't know where, when or how. Although, I do have some ideas as to the curriculum, and how I want it to be set up, and what kind of students I want to attract. Still, I try to not get lost in my ideas and create visions of grandeur. I know opening a school is going to be difficult. I also know that it is not going to make me money right away. I do believe however, that after I have finished my time here, I will have a lot to offer people. I just have to demonstrate the confidence in myself to convince others.

New Interests

I had my first Chinese calligraphy lesson Thursday morning. I've been wanting to take classes for ages now, but I always found an excuse not to go. So Tuesday afternoon, I went and met the teacher, who is this amazingly spry and enthusiastic old man.

I imagine this is going to be a tedious process. I spent half of my one hour lesson learning how to sit and how to properly hold the calligraphy brush. I spent the other half learning one of the smallest strokes. After the half hour, I realized how long learning calligraphy will really take. But I decided that while I'm here, I have a great opportunity, and I should really take advantage of it. And my teacher is so fun and excitable, I can't imagine getting bored too quickly.

"The Forty Rules of Love"

For a couple of weeks now, I've been totally immersed in a book I've been reading called, as you may have guessed, "The Forty Rules of Love" by Elif Shafak. Now the point of this post, is not exactly just to talk about how great this book is. It's fiction, but it is partly the story of the famous Sufi poet Rumi and his closest companion.

I have found many gems of wisdom inside this book, but last night I read something that really made me think about the way I interact with others. There's always going to be people in my life that are not like me. People that have different interests, carry themselves differently, and have a different focus in their life. And sometimes, I'm not going to feel particularly close to these people. I may find some of the things they do or say frustrating, irritating or offensive. But, in saying that, I generally make an effort to try to just accept people the way they are.

Last night I read this paragraph and it really just clicked. An epiphany of sorts.

" This world is like a snowy mountain that echos your voice. Whatever you speak, good or evil, will somehow come back to you. Therefore, if there is someone who harbors ill thoughts about you, saying similarly bad things about him, will only make matters worse. You will be locked in a vicious circle of malevolent energy. Instead for forty days and nights say and think nice things about that person. Everything will be different at the en of forty days, because you will be different inside. "

So today is my first day. I have chosen to start with only one person, so that I can really focus my attention. And now that I've written this post, it will be easy to look back in forty days from now, and see what has become of this commitment.

Tuesday Night

This has been one of the most difficult months of my training in ages. We came back from a great trip to Guilin, but since have not had any time off. We did well in the competition and completed the 3 days of meditation and since have had a full week of training.

I'm not going to fill this post with all of my grievances. There are some issues I've been having with my training as of late, that have made this past month especially difficult. I feel like a lot of these issues are out of my control, but still I often find myself stewing over them. But one lesson I've learned from Daoism, is that you can't change the things that other people do, but you can change yourself, and through this path, things around you will change.

Now I just have to figure out what I can change, to affect change around me.

Meditation

We're about to head into 3 days of meditation. By this, I don't mean that we meditate for 72hours straight. We have three sessions of 2 hours every day, for three days. We also have a free morning class where we can practice Qi Gong to start out our day.

I'm excited and apprehensive about it. I'm not a natural when it comes to meditation and I find it difficult to quiet my mind. But that being said, that's one of the greatest things about meditation for three days, you're bound to get something out of it so long as you stick with it.

I had the inspiring experience of just giving my Shifu a massage. I know, it doesn't sound that inspiring. The difference in the feeling of his muscles and tendons, compared to mine are tangible. I don't believe I've ever felt tissue of that consistency before. He used the word melting to describe the state of his body's softness. He also said that sometimes his body is too soft, so he has to practice to strengthen the muscles. His internal practice sometimes just leaves me in awe. Truly motivating.

Competition

I find myself worn out and especially frustrated right now. There is an upcoming competition that we've all been 'encouraged'  to enter. I have to say that I am naturally quite a competitive person and so try to avoid this setting. Being the younger sibling, as a kid, I was always out to prove myself to my sister and to my family. As I've grown older, I've realized I don't have anything to prove to them. They don't care if I win or lose, they love me all the same.

This is not always true of myself. I struggle a lot against my own ego. I don't know if everyone encounters this, but it's something I've become used to. Sometimes it helps motivate me, and sometimes it's very detrimental. Generally, I try to keep the attitude that the only person worth competing with is myself.

I'm struggling to keep that posture right now. How else do you compete but by comparing yourself to those around you? I am using this opportunity to improve my forms, and in that sense, find the process very exciting. Yet, it has already proved to be an arduous exercise for me. I hope that no matter what the outcome proves to be, that I can keep my ego in check and use this as another learning experience.

Guilin

We've just arrived home from an amazing trip. Not only did we all get the chance to eat tonnes of Western food, but it was amazingly beautiful. Guilin is a city where there are so many activities to do, it's hard to be bored. If it hadn't started raining buckets on our last couple days there, I don't know how much rest I would've actually gotten.

It just reminded me how much I love being outside, in a natural setting. I often take it for granted while training, because I spend the majority of my time outside, sweating my butt off. There's many days where the weather is oppressively hot and the last thing I want to do is be outside. But going on this trip gave me the opportunity to reflect on my past jobs and activities, and to consider myself fortunate to be able to enjoy this kind of lifestyle every day.

I feel a certain sense of freedom being able to detach myself from the problems of every day life, and to just revel in the wonders of the earth. I feel tired from the trip, but revitalized.

Happy Birthday to ME

Well I am now 27 years old. Feels pretty good. I had a great birth day, even though I had to train. I slept in for the early morning training, and took the evening off so Brandi could treat me to a delicious meal in the 5star restaurant at the mountain gate. I have to say that living in Wudang really helps you to appreciate the small things. We had a caesar salad, followed by cream of mushroom soup, and to finish off we shared an eel entree. Doesn't sound particularly fancy but let me say, it's the best meal I've had in months.

If I were at home, I probably would've felt the need to organize some kind of party, or make myself available to my friends, but being here, living all in the same quarters, it's enough to just get a tonne of hugs from my classmates. This is now my third birthday here, and I am continually appreciative of how little gestures can change so much. Thanks again to my friends and family. I feel truly loved.

Disciple Ceremony

I have to admit I was a little apprehensive about the disciple ceremony. Not only have I never witnessed one before, but there was also a flood of students returning to the school. Some I've seen over the years more than once, and some I haven't seen in what seems like forever. And I was a little overwhelmed with everyone arriving all at the same time.

It was an amazing experience and I'm so glad that I got to share it with so many of my fellow martial artists. I'm sure there are a few, who came just for the certificate, and will do little in upholding the San Feng Lineage, but the majority, I am glad to officially call my kung fu brothers and sisters. We've been so lucky to watch one another change and grow over the past couple years, and I feel as though our mutual respect for one another, and for the tradition, will continue to bond us to one another for the rest of our lives. I hope so anyways.

I feel thankful that I was given this opportunity.

Class Dynamics

Training's been going really well since we arrived back in Wudang. The first week was initially quite trying, because getting back into the routine of training so much, is always really painful. It's hard to work through forms, etc. when you don't even want to bend your knees. The second week, dampened my spirits a bit, because we heard that our class was going to be combined with the traditional class of Chinese students, a.k.a Er Ban. The last week was the best week so far. I felt like I really accomplished a lot in my training, and had some time to practice Tai Ji on my own.

I noticed since I returned that our class dynamics have been a little different. Really the only visible difference, was that one of our classmates stayed home a little longer to work for extra money before his return. I've always felt a connection with this person, not for any particular reason, but I find that he has a pretty positive attitude, and when the class gets into a funk, he's usually trying to look on the brighter side. I often struggle to keep a positive outlook as well, and so I feel maybe we've bonded because of this. I find it amazing, that for me personally, so much can change in the atmosphere of my training just because one person isn't there.

This realization led me onto a process of thoughts. Do I contribute so much into our class atmosphere? Would my classmates feel the loss if I were to leave? I am constantly working on positive thinking. Does this affect the other people whom I train with? I hope the answer to all of these questions is, "yes". Sometimes it's easy to get wrapped up in your own little world here, you forget about what's going on around you. If I intend to be an instructor when I'm finished here, I hope I can offer as much to my students as I try to offer to my comrades. And although it may be a constant struggle, realizing that one person can make such a difference in my day to day, inspires me to try and do the same for others.

Group and Self Motivation

So I made the statement that I would write this blog before I left to go to Hawaii. Which was a mistake, because I didn't, and now I feel bad about it, but nevertheless I'm writing it now.

I had a great opportunity while I was home to have a one on one talk with Sifu Brinker. We discussed so many things that it would be hard to write them all down. I did though make an observation while I was home and training at Silent River. I realized that in all the years I spent training, I missed a great opportunity. Okay so I missed a lot of them, but hindsight is 20/20.

I realized how much I've come to rely on my peers while training in China. It becomes routine when you're with the same people, doing the same things together every day to start to rely on one another to get you through some of your toughest times. I spend a lot of energy every day looking for motivation and for inspiration in the people around me. It's hard sometimes to keep a positive frame of mind, and no matter what your natural disposition is, I think this is true for every person.

When I was training at Silent River, I never really took advantage of the people in my class, and I didn't even realize what I was missing out on. I see now that a lot of the times when I was struggling to stay motivated in my training, I had a great tool that I had overlooked. There's such a great atmosphere of camaraderie at the school that I never took part in. I am a very independent person, and so I felt as though I had to do things on my own, all the time. I'm not suggesting that you don't need self motivation. I feel it is necessary if you want to improve in your training. But that doesn't mean that there isn't people around you who can help you along when you're struggling, and perhaps give you a fresh outlook on occasion. And it feels great to be able to give new perspective to help someone else who has lost their momentum.