To roost or not to roost?

So I've been a bit out of sorts the last few months. And it was really just getting worse. There are some things that I've been forced to deal with lately, and one of them is that in some cases, GBS leaves people with the problem of chronic fatigue. Now, don't get me wrong. I know I'm still not recovered, but I also am not the type to just sit and wait. I want to participate actively in my recovery.

My naturopath has diagnosed me with an internal staph infection. Not very uncommon for the amount of time I was in the hospital, and all the tubes I had stuck in me. I've also been diagnosed with something called Epstein-Barr Virus. Which, is not at all uncommon and is a common cause of mono, but they have found links related to auto-immune diseases. Wikipedia says something like 95% of the population carry it around. It's a form of the herpes virus, much like chicken pox. And much like chicken pox, you really only get it once. Unless you're one of the unlucky ones that ends up with shingles. Which are often triggered by stress. So I'm inclined to think my GBS was rather stress related. And I've heard similar things from people who have other neurological diseases. The last thing I want, is to go through all that again. So now I've realized I need to learn to deal with this stress.

I've been debating for a while whether I was going to join the rooster team or not. I haven't been training at Silent River without the I Ho Chuan since before I went to China. I can't imagine what being part of the school would be like without it, but at this point, it seems like so much to take on. So, I finally had a meeting with Sifu Brinker. I would have to figure out how to feel like a part of the team without doing a lot of the physical aspects. But Sifu Brinker reminded me, as he has reminded us all over and over, that the I Ho Chuan is a tool. And it's a tool for my own personal development. So now the tough part is deciding what direction I'd like my life to go, and also how the I Ho Chuan could serve me next year.

Compassion for Oneself

This week has been a hard one for me. Isn't that just the usual though. On Saturday, I mentioned how great I was feeling and how hard I've been working. Taking the steps towards reaching my goals. Although, many of them I won't reach. It's irrelevant, because I'm living for today.

I have recently stopped drinking coffee regularly because I found that I was feeling the urge to drink it all the time. So I've discovered that I can't make it through the day without taking a nap now. Okay, I can handle that. For now, so I think.

In comes Monday. My first consultation with the naturopath. Whether you believe in this type of holistic medicine or not is irrelevant. You have to know any examination of me is going to have some bad news in it. Well, a lot more bad news than I realized. Slam! You're doing too much too soon. I'm surprised you're able to work and live a moderately normal life with these results. I must commend you for your willpower.

Then today I sign into my course curriculum for Athabasca University, and I realize I was a month off in my end date somehow and I missed it, thinking my course ended at the end of October. So now I've failed the course that I've spent all that time and money on. How could I be so stupid?

I sat down, took some deep breaths and reminded myself what I've been thinking since the meeting. It's so easy to look at other people and have compassion. It's much more difficult for me to be compassionate with myself. I've been attempting to work on this since I got out of the hospital. I can make excuses for the things that I do wrong, but it's just a huge waste of energy. I need to look at myself openly, accept my mistakes and keep moving forward. Sometimes easier said than done.
*sigh*