I missed last week's post, which sucks because I've been doing so well with my blog posts. I could make excuses about holidays and terrible wifi at this low budget hotel in New Mexico, but I probably could have made it happen if I put in an effort. Although Española is not the kind of town full of Starbucks... It's been awesome so far spending time with Brandi and her husband Simon and getting to know his family a little better.
Today we went on a hike to Bandelier National Monument. To everyone else it was probably a pretty moderate hike, but according to my Fitbit I walked more than 5km there. I've walked that in a day before, but never really all at once, so I was pretty proud of myself, and now I'm pretty exhausted. There's some beautiful mesas and Ancestral Puebloan structures, rock paintings and petroglyphs. It was amazing there. The weather really could not have been better either!
After we went to Los Alamos to the Bradbury Science Museum which was a mixture of fascinating and sad, because Los Alamos is where the atomic bombs that America dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were created. I'm not sure I can put into words how it felt to look at reproductions of the bombs, and to read the accounts of some of the people involved in their creation. People didn't realize at first what they were doing, the power of their destruction. It was a bit depressing, but a good reminder of our past mistakes, but also the power of scientific discovery.
Monday 28 December 2015
Thursday 17 December 2015
Preparation
This week has been a bit overwhelming. I've gone back to work. Just kind of casually for the moment, because it's quite slow. So I work a couple hours a day doing inventory and some paperwork. Sometimes it feels like a big change, but I laugh when I remember Brandi and I coming back to work full time one day after coming home from China.
I`ve been trying to get things better organized so that I can prepare for the coming year of the monkey. Because I have a lot of the same goals, I think I can progress on my current goals while coming up with a great routine for next year. At least that`s kind of the plan at this point. I`ve had to change the way I do a lot of things from last year, so I can`t really just jump into the way I was doing everything before. Resourceful. I`m trying to be very resourceful. It`s going to be interesting.
I also started registering for courses in business management at Athabasca University. I`m going to try to take things slowly at first, I don`t know what kind of pace I`ll be able to manage, but I`m looking forward to some school. It`s been ages since high school though, and since I never went to post secondary, I am honestly, a little nervous.
I've also been getting ready to go to New Mexico on holidays for a couple of weeks. Which I'm so excited for. I cannot wait to see my sister again. We lived together in the same room for five years in China. Now we don`t even live in the same country. We talk usually twice a week sometimes for a couple of hours. Sometimes about nothing, sometimes about everything. At least it feels that way. It`s going to be fun, but also because I have a lot of extra things to remember to bring, I`ve been making lists and definitely checking them twice.
I`ve been trying to get things better organized so that I can prepare for the coming year of the monkey. Because I have a lot of the same goals, I think I can progress on my current goals while coming up with a great routine for next year. At least that`s kind of the plan at this point. I`ve had to change the way I do a lot of things from last year, so I can`t really just jump into the way I was doing everything before. Resourceful. I`m trying to be very resourceful. It`s going to be interesting.
I also started registering for courses in business management at Athabasca University. I`m going to try to take things slowly at first, I don`t know what kind of pace I`ll be able to manage, but I`m looking forward to some school. It`s been ages since high school though, and since I never went to post secondary, I am honestly, a little nervous.
I've also been getting ready to go to New Mexico on holidays for a couple of weeks. Which I'm so excited for. I cannot wait to see my sister again. We lived together in the same room for five years in China. Now we don`t even live in the same country. We talk usually twice a week sometimes for a couple of hours. Sometimes about nothing, sometimes about everything. At least it feels that way. It`s going to be fun, but also because I have a lot of extra things to remember to bring, I`ve been making lists and definitely checking them twice.
Friday 11 December 2015
Bruce Wayne
It's a funny thing how our pets can come to reflect our own personalities, how they make us practice compassion, and how they can make us realize so much about our own character.
Bruce was a great kitty. He was really young and starving when he showed up on our back deck. I had to feed him. At that moment, he adopted us as his family. Not that any of us could get anywhere near him at first. We've been lucky to have him in our lives for almost 5 years, and only recently had he actually started to enjoy spending time inside with us. But he secretly loved to be cuddled, and loved, as long as he knew you. And, as long as you weren't too loud. Unfortunately he left us on Wednesday night.
I'm not very good at dealing with sick animals, but I was forced to deal with it on Wednesday. It was hard. I'm sensitive. Thank god I wasn't alone. It's lonely at home without him. Another reminder of how fragile life is. I feel like the world is trying to tell me something.
Now I'm left with a grumpy old cat with arthritis. Who secretly also loves cuddles. Only on his own terms.
Bruce was a great kitty. He was really young and starving when he showed up on our back deck. I had to feed him. At that moment, he adopted us as his family. Not that any of us could get anywhere near him at first. We've been lucky to have him in our lives for almost 5 years, and only recently had he actually started to enjoy spending time inside with us. But he secretly loved to be cuddled, and loved, as long as he knew you. And, as long as you weren't too loud. Unfortunately he left us on Wednesday night.
I'm not very good at dealing with sick animals, but I was forced to deal with it on Wednesday. It was hard. I'm sensitive. Thank god I wasn't alone. It's lonely at home without him. Another reminder of how fragile life is. I feel like the world is trying to tell me something.
Now I'm left with a grumpy old cat with arthritis. Who secretly also loves cuddles. Only on his own terms.
Friday 4 December 2015
The Right Thing
Being disabled I have learned so much. Most of us can try and sympathize with people with disabilities, but actually living it is something completely different. Although my disabilities were temporary, I basically had the opportunity to experience being fully paralyzed, being mute, not being fully blind, but unable to read, all the while being in the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced in my life.
I was talking to a friend of mine last night and she mentioned taking a caregiving course to takeover caring for her brother, so when her parents get old there's someone to look after him. He was in an accident a few years ago and is now permanently in a wheelchair. My first question for her was if she actually asked her brother about it first. She said no, but was surprised by my reaction and of course gave the response of just trying to do the 'right thing'. The thing that I learned in the hospital is that the right thing isn't always what you would expect. Some people prefer to have a professional person from homecare come and help them to take care of themselves. And sometimes the government will help pay for these programs. Some people love to have their families take care of them. Some people's families can't handle taking care of a disabled person. That can be a very large responsibility depending on the person. My point is that it really varies, and that it's important to have open discussions about these things so that everyone can make informed decisions. There's lots of counselling and transitional services available for people if you know where to look.
It was okay for my parents when I came home because they had the freedom to take sometime away from work, but not everyone has that time. And I know how hard it is for me sometimes to still accept help from my family and I'm getting to need less and less of it. But I was definitely one grumpy Gus when I couldn't do anything on my own. I was raised to be independent, and now that I'm thirty, losing that suddenly has been unsurprisingly very difficult for me.
I was talking to a friend of mine last night and she mentioned taking a caregiving course to takeover caring for her brother, so when her parents get old there's someone to look after him. He was in an accident a few years ago and is now permanently in a wheelchair. My first question for her was if she actually asked her brother about it first. She said no, but was surprised by my reaction and of course gave the response of just trying to do the 'right thing'. The thing that I learned in the hospital is that the right thing isn't always what you would expect. Some people prefer to have a professional person from homecare come and help them to take care of themselves. And sometimes the government will help pay for these programs. Some people love to have their families take care of them. Some people's families can't handle taking care of a disabled person. That can be a very large responsibility depending on the person. My point is that it really varies, and that it's important to have open discussions about these things so that everyone can make informed decisions. There's lots of counselling and transitional services available for people if you know where to look.
It was okay for my parents when I came home because they had the freedom to take sometime away from work, but not everyone has that time. And I know how hard it is for me sometimes to still accept help from my family and I'm getting to need less and less of it. But I was definitely one grumpy Gus when I couldn't do anything on my own. I was raised to be independent, and now that I'm thirty, losing that suddenly has been unsurprisingly very difficult for me.
Wednesday 25 November 2015
Practice makes perfect
I've been looking at the goals I set for last year. Oh, it's hard to imagine that there's anything in there that I might actually accomplish by the end of the sheep year, but I realized that I set a lot of similar goals for the year of the monkey since I didn't quite get to participate in a large portion of my sheep year. So it makes it a bit easier. I can just sort of start early. Get ahead of the game per say. Start getting into the habit of doing a lot of the things I got out of the habit of doing while I was laid up in the hospital, or just things I never really got the hang of in the first place. For example, mom and I are now journaling buddies. Every Wednesday we check on each other. See how things are going.
I've also been approached by one of my therapists for a project for the Glenrose Foundation. She asked me if I would be interested in journaling about my experience at the Glenrose for a couple of weeks. Apparently they're finding it difficult to communicate to donors what the Glenrose really does and what is really involved in a person's rehabilitation. I agreed to be a part although there's no guarantee that they'll use any of the things that I write. I thought it might be a good tool for me to practice my writing, particularly about such a difficult and confusing part of my life. Never turn down a good opportunity.
I find myself more tired than before (shocking I know). So it's hard to make myself accomplish the things I want. But I get even more tired when I just lay around watching movies or reading. So there's the rub I suppose. It might take me some time to figure all this new stuff out I guess.
I've also been approached by one of my therapists for a project for the Glenrose Foundation. She asked me if I would be interested in journaling about my experience at the Glenrose for a couple of weeks. Apparently they're finding it difficult to communicate to donors what the Glenrose really does and what is really involved in a person's rehabilitation. I agreed to be a part although there's no guarantee that they'll use any of the things that I write. I thought it might be a good tool for me to practice my writing, particularly about such a difficult and confusing part of my life. Never turn down a good opportunity.
I find myself more tired than before (shocking I know). So it's hard to make myself accomplish the things I want. But I get even more tired when I just lay around watching movies or reading. So there's the rub I suppose. It might take me some time to figure all this new stuff out I guess.
Thursday 19 November 2015
Quantitative Measurements
My physiotherapy this week was awesome. It had been 3weeks since my last therapy because my therapist had taken some time off. We did a few reassessments that hadn't been done yet since my discharge and the results were really exciting for me.
We did a balance test which, the first time when I arrived at the Glenrose, I scored something like 15 out of 56. Before I was discharged I did the same assessment and scored 35 out of 56. Today I scored 54 out of 56! Talk about improvement. As much as I don't like doing all those assessments it's nice sometimes to have some kind of measurement of my progress.
One of the most frustrating things is that the advancements that I make are such minute differences from day to day, sometimes it's hard to see. But it reminds me of the progress I've made personally over the past few years with the I Ho Chuan and all of the time I spent in China. If I just looked at my progress on a daily basis the changes are hard to see. It's important to live in the moment, but sometimes it's also really valuable to take a step back and look at where you've come from. Who you used to be. And that's when you really get a fresh perspective. It gives you a way to see how much you've truly changed and grown.
Wednesday 11 November 2015
Truths
I try not to lie. I make a very strong effort to be truthful in my interactions with my friends and family and to not put myself in a position where I feel the need to lie to someone. If I lose touch with a friend because I forgot to respond to an email, or because I was struggling to find words to say, I usually am quite able to admit it honestly. I have been working on two areas of my life in the past couple of years, and although I've made improvements, I still sometimes lose my way.
One, is if I know someone will be hurt by the truth. I know honesty is generally the best policy, but if it's someone that I really care about I struggle internally with the decision. Sometimes it really just has to be done. Rip the bandaid off so they say. But often I find I try to avoid the subject or talk my way around it trying to come up with ways to soften the blow. Usually the person doesn't appreciate that approach, but it's always this difficult approach for me. I hate hurting people.
The second struggle is myself. I made a goal this year to not lie to myself. That's about when it comes to goal setting and procrastination and also when it comes to my inhhhner motivation and taking a deep look at my actions and my decision making. I've often been the type to take action and think later, and I really wanted to spend some time this year looking at what I wanted to accomplish. Interestingly, things as we all know, didn't really go according to plan. But it has left me with a lot of things to think about. I just don't know that I ended up any more self aware. Being honest with yourself is sometimes one of the hardest things to do.. And this is totally not what I had started blogging about.. I don't know how I ended up here.
One, is if I know someone will be hurt by the truth. I know honesty is generally the best policy, but if it's someone that I really care about I struggle internally with the decision. Sometimes it really just has to be done. Rip the bandaid off so they say. But often I find I try to avoid the subject or talk my way around it trying to come up with ways to soften the blow. Usually the person doesn't appreciate that approach, but it's always this difficult approach for me. I hate hurting people.
The second struggle is myself. I made a goal this year to not lie to myself. That's about when it comes to goal setting and procrastination and also when it comes to my inhhhner motivation and taking a deep look at my actions and my decision making. I've often been the type to take action and think later, and I really wanted to spend some time this year looking at what I wanted to accomplish. Interestingly, things as we all know, didn't really go according to plan. But it has left me with a lot of things to think about. I just don't know that I ended up any more self aware. Being honest with yourself is sometimes one of the hardest things to do.. And this is totally not what I had started blogging about.. I don't know how I ended up here.
Tuesday 13 October 2015
Support
Life is strange.
I've often felt grateful to be who I am. Of course I have regrets, and there's things I wish I could change. But I have a wonderful family. I've never really wanted for anything. I've followed many of my dreams. And because I worked hard to do it, I really appreciated the value in the journey. Up until this year I've been very healthy and happy.
I don't know that I could write a list of names in this blog of all the people I could thank for supporting me in the past 5 months. I could start with some of my lovely ICU nurses. I spent six weeks there. Not being able to say a word. And some of them treated me like gold. Giving me ice baths so I didn't feel like I was going to cook to death. My respiratory therapists, who came to check on me constantly to make sure my breathing was okay, especially when I was trying to get off the ventilator. The physios I had. I remember the first time I sat up. and how I cried because I was so afraid. The thought of it still makes me cry.
The gardens at Devon. People coming to visit while we sat in the beautiful gardens. The cooks coming to deliver my meals and bringing me icecream. The nurses dancing in my room while singing some "Jam" that I had never heard. Standing for the first time with the physios.
The Glenrose. I worked my butt off there. I barely had an open hour in my schedule. But it was so worth it. Yvonne, my OT. Jim, my hand class teacher, Renae, my rec assistant, and Andrew my physio. I spent the past month and a half with them. And it's insane how much progress I made, but also how much I enjoyed my time with them. The nurses were so great. Stop to chat in the halls, give you leftover cupcake from a nurses birthday party.
And my family. From the beginning. My parents coming in everyday and putting up with my grumpiness. My cousin and aunt a few times a week. My grandma was there as much as possible. My aunt came up from Calgary for a week. My uncle was laid off, so he was sleeping there with me. Obviously my lovely sister. But even her husband Simon spent a large part of his holiday here in the hospital with me.
My friends from kung fu. You guys don't really know how much it meant. It's funny. I actually made some friends in the hospital. Some people that I knew from the school, but I had never seen outside of class. But yes, you made a special effort to keep coming to see me. And your visits meant so much. A lifeline to the kwoon. So I could stay engaged as much as possible. Even when I couldn't really speak. You were willing to come
Anyways.. as you can see, this could go on forever, and the tips of my fingers are starting to get achy from the keys, although Jim would be encouraging this activity I'm sure. The point of all this is, all of you touched my life in a very special way. Thank you.
Thursday 3 September 2015
New Fears
So I've got my discharge date... the 30th of September. I tell people, and everyone's really excited for me. Won't it be so nice to go home? I'm so lucky my parents happen to have a wheelchair accessible house. I know right?
The truth, that I don't want to tell them, is that I'm really afraid. I don't want to go home in a wheelchair. I don't want someone to have to be there taking care of me. Here, everything is designed to be easily accessible. But life isn't like that.
I can't even drive. I got my license the day I turned 16 so I could have the freedom! This is just not how I expected my life at home again to be.
I'm sure this is something a lot of people go through at this phase of their rehabilitation.
I guess this is life's next big test for me.. We'll just see how I come out on the other side.
The truth, that I don't want to tell them, is that I'm really afraid. I don't want to go home in a wheelchair. I don't want someone to have to be there taking care of me. Here, everything is designed to be easily accessible. But life isn't like that.
I can't even drive. I got my license the day I turned 16 so I could have the freedom! This is just not how I expected my life at home again to be.
I'm sure this is something a lot of people go through at this phase of their rehabilitation.
I guess this is life's next big test for me.. We'll just see how I come out on the other side.
Sunday 16 August 2015
The mysterious syndrome no one has heard of
So, as most of you know by now in early June I was diagnosed with guillain barré syndrome, also known as GBS.
I had been house sitting for the Princes for the weekend. I had a headache for a few days, Sunday I came home and that night I woke up numb tongue, hands and feet. I woke my mom up because I'd never experienced that before and we went to emergency. They thought I had a migraine and gave me an IV for some migraine medication.
The next night I woke my dad up again to take me to the hospital because I still had the same symptoms but I was in a lot of pain. So, we went back to the emergency, they did a lumbar puncture to check for GBS, but they didn't find the markers. The doctors think it might have been too soon.
The next day and my dad was looking on google and came across GBS. He brought home a little print out and it said if you have any problems with your respiration you should go to the emergency room immediately. It wasn't long after that that I recommended we go to the emergency room again.
PThey transferred me to the UofA hospital to see a neurologist. And it was two days later and I was on a ventilator. I don't remember much of the next few days. But I'm sure they were really scary for my friends and family. I'm so lucky enough to have the best family and friends around.
I started this post thinking that I would end it with some sort of like wise words or lesson. But I don't think I'm there yet. I know I've already learned a lot from this experience. But I don't know if I can put it into words.. But now you all know I'm alive at least..
I had been house sitting for the Princes for the weekend. I had a headache for a few days, Sunday I came home and that night I woke up numb tongue, hands and feet. I woke my mom up because I'd never experienced that before and we went to emergency. They thought I had a migraine and gave me an IV for some migraine medication.
The next night I woke my dad up again to take me to the hospital because I still had the same symptoms but I was in a lot of pain. So, we went back to the emergency, they did a lumbar puncture to check for GBS, but they didn't find the markers. The doctors think it might have been too soon.
The next day and my dad was looking on google and came across GBS. He brought home a little print out and it said if you have any problems with your respiration you should go to the emergency room immediately. It wasn't long after that that I recommended we go to the emergency room again.
PThey transferred me to the UofA hospital to see a neurologist. And it was two days later and I was on a ventilator. I don't remember much of the next few days. But I'm sure they were really scary for my friends and family. I'm so lucky enough to have the best family and friends around.
I started this post thinking that I would end it with some sort of like wise words or lesson. But I don't think I'm there yet. I know I've already learned a lot from this experience. But I don't know if I can put it into words.. But now you all know I'm alive at least..
Thursday 28 May 2015
Pandamonium
A weird thing just happened. I opened my blog page to discover that I had written something that I've never actually seen before... then I realized that my sister had somehow posted the blog she had written on my blog. How do her and I end up doing these things to each other?
Anyways.. Pandamonium. It was amazing. Tiring. But honestly so fun. The bottoms of my feet were actually a little bit sore by the end of the day from landing over and over in the dunk tank. I was lucky enough to have skipped all the ice additions though. Good timing.
I know we didn't raise nearly as much for funds as we were hoping. I, of course, haven't actually handed mine in yet, and will do so tonight. Hopefully I'll feel a little bit better about it. I didn't fund raise as much as I could have definitely, but I do have a couple of family members that really threw in to support us all. And I couldn't be more thankful to have wonderful people like them in my life.
This is my first pandamonium. I've never been a part of it before, and although it was tired, I felt fantastic the next day, and I'm sorry that I'm going to miss next year. We'll see how it goes. Next up, farmer days.
Anyways.. Pandamonium. It was amazing. Tiring. But honestly so fun. The bottoms of my feet were actually a little bit sore by the end of the day from landing over and over in the dunk tank. I was lucky enough to have skipped all the ice additions though. Good timing.
I know we didn't raise nearly as much for funds as we were hoping. I, of course, haven't actually handed mine in yet, and will do so tonight. Hopefully I'll feel a little bit better about it. I didn't fund raise as much as I could have definitely, but I do have a couple of family members that really threw in to support us all. And I couldn't be more thankful to have wonderful people like them in my life.
This is my first pandamonium. I've never been a part of it before, and although it was tired, I felt fantastic the next day, and I'm sorry that I'm going to miss next year. We'll see how it goes. Next up, farmer days.
Tuesday 12 May 2015
The Roundhouse - My Nemesis
First I want to start with this... Thank you to everyone who reads my blog, and who thinks of me when I'm having a hard time, and who takes the time to give me feedback. I really appreciate it. I feel the love.
So this weekend was an amazing one. I've never started out the week feeling so recharged. Not necessarily rested, because I felt like my weekend was packed!
Firstly, Tai Chi class. Man, I know so little about yang style, and honestly my intention is not to learn the entire long form, but the way Sifu Dennis breaks down the movements makes me think so much about my own movements. I start getting on a roll thinking how do I shift my weight here? Am I moving in this vector or in that vector? I'm lucky enough to have a background so I can learn the movements fairly quickly, but then spend the rest of the class breaking everything down. Awesome!
Move on to fitness class. The roundhouse is my nemesis. I really struggle pulling my hip back when I'm in the three point position. I've always had stiff hips (I know that sounds crazy) but I've worked really hard to get where I'm at, but the roundhouse it always comes back to that one position. Anyways, I was gifted with the opportunity to work on only roundhouse kicks for an entire hour. Best class ever! I felt like I made some serious progress. And I was lucky enough to have my mom join us for her first class. Made it even better!
Spending pretty much my entire morning/afternoon at the kwoon was great. I love being part of the school. There were so many people that came out for the cleanup, and so much was accomplished. Jobs like that always leave me feeling pumped. I can't wait for pandamonium! The meeting was great, it felt like people were really on board with the prep work and although I think Mr. Smid probably felt like he was in group therapy, I hope that sharing our experiences will help him figure things out for himself.
Went out for Mexican with my family and some other relatives. So good. Probably one of my favourite types of food. I mean who doesn't love chips, salsa and guacamole!
Sunday was also pretty full. My sister and I got up and made scones for my mom for Mother's Day. Bacon/Maple and Maple/Currant. Yummy. Best mom ever! Although I think most people say that about their moms.
Then I had my first motorcycle lesson! I don't wanna sound like I'm bragging, but between my dad and my new found (very patient) teacher, I think I'm gonna have no problem figuring this thing out!
Sunday afternoon my grandma came over for dinner. So we barbecued fish, and it was really nice to spend the afternoon sitting outside on our back deck.
I cleaned my room, and washed all my sheets, and I was so content and exhausted by the time I crawled into my nice fresh smelling bed, I slept like a log. It was fantastic. That was a long one.. thanks for reading. Ha!
So this weekend was an amazing one. I've never started out the week feeling so recharged. Not necessarily rested, because I felt like my weekend was packed!
Firstly, Tai Chi class. Man, I know so little about yang style, and honestly my intention is not to learn the entire long form, but the way Sifu Dennis breaks down the movements makes me think so much about my own movements. I start getting on a roll thinking how do I shift my weight here? Am I moving in this vector or in that vector? I'm lucky enough to have a background so I can learn the movements fairly quickly, but then spend the rest of the class breaking everything down. Awesome!
Move on to fitness class. The roundhouse is my nemesis. I really struggle pulling my hip back when I'm in the three point position. I've always had stiff hips (I know that sounds crazy) but I've worked really hard to get where I'm at, but the roundhouse it always comes back to that one position. Anyways, I was gifted with the opportunity to work on only roundhouse kicks for an entire hour. Best class ever! I felt like I made some serious progress. And I was lucky enough to have my mom join us for her first class. Made it even better!
Spending pretty much my entire morning/afternoon at the kwoon was great. I love being part of the school. There were so many people that came out for the cleanup, and so much was accomplished. Jobs like that always leave me feeling pumped. I can't wait for pandamonium! The meeting was great, it felt like people were really on board with the prep work and although I think Mr. Smid probably felt like he was in group therapy, I hope that sharing our experiences will help him figure things out for himself.
Went out for Mexican with my family and some other relatives. So good. Probably one of my favourite types of food. I mean who doesn't love chips, salsa and guacamole!
Sunday was also pretty full. My sister and I got up and made scones for my mom for Mother's Day. Bacon/Maple and Maple/Currant. Yummy. Best mom ever! Although I think most people say that about their moms.
Then I had my first motorcycle lesson! I don't wanna sound like I'm bragging, but between my dad and my new found (very patient) teacher, I think I'm gonna have no problem figuring this thing out!
Sunday afternoon my grandma came over for dinner. So we barbecued fish, and it was really nice to spend the afternoon sitting outside on our back deck.
I cleaned my room, and washed all my sheets, and I was so content and exhausted by the time I crawled into my nice fresh smelling bed, I slept like a log. It was fantastic. That was a long one.. thanks for reading. Ha!
Monday 4 May 2015
Cleanup
So I've had a tough week and a half or so. This is going to sound like such a silly post. But here's the truth.
I got really depressed after we cleaned up Rotary Park. Yeah, I know that's like the opposite of what's supposed to happen. I started off like yeah, we're gonna clean up the park and make a difference, and I left thinking, if this is just the small amount of litter that people don't throw in the bin, imagine the amount of waste we're making on a regular basis.
I already think about this daily. Every time I'm shopping I think about the packaging of the things I'm buying. I stopped (mostly) buying any sort of processed foods for this reason, when I was living in China. While I was there, I wrote a blog about how I wasn't sure that putting garbage in the landfill was a better idea than just throwing it out the door. At least then you're forced to look at and deal with your garbage. Their gardens are full of plastic bags, and their rivers and streams have trash everywhere. It's really sad to see.
When we were in Alabama we met Julia Butterfly Hill, and she reminded me of myself. Not because I've ever done anything as epic as living in a tree for two years, but because she was very honest about how she has to deal with her own cynicism when she looks at all the poor decisions we make as a culture, and the repercussions of those decisions. And how it seems like we haven't learned anything from the mistakes that we've made over, and over again.
I had a conversation with one of my coworkers that brought me literally to tears. He just repeatedly stated that the choices that one person makes, doesn't make any difference in the scheme of things. Accused me of being sentimental, and it broke me up a little. He's only 10 years older than I am. Why does he feel that way? Do the things I do really make a difference or do I just tell myself that they do so I'm not constantly depressed about it. I try to see the small changes, the choices that people make daily that make even a little bit of difference. Am I sentimental like he says? Or is he the one that's totally cynical?
Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to be surrounded by the people I have in my life.
I got really depressed after we cleaned up Rotary Park. Yeah, I know that's like the opposite of what's supposed to happen. I started off like yeah, we're gonna clean up the park and make a difference, and I left thinking, if this is just the small amount of litter that people don't throw in the bin, imagine the amount of waste we're making on a regular basis.
I already think about this daily. Every time I'm shopping I think about the packaging of the things I'm buying. I stopped (mostly) buying any sort of processed foods for this reason, when I was living in China. While I was there, I wrote a blog about how I wasn't sure that putting garbage in the landfill was a better idea than just throwing it out the door. At least then you're forced to look at and deal with your garbage. Their gardens are full of plastic bags, and their rivers and streams have trash everywhere. It's really sad to see.
When we were in Alabama we met Julia Butterfly Hill, and she reminded me of myself. Not because I've ever done anything as epic as living in a tree for two years, but because she was very honest about how she has to deal with her own cynicism when she looks at all the poor decisions we make as a culture, and the repercussions of those decisions. And how it seems like we haven't learned anything from the mistakes that we've made over, and over again.
I had a conversation with one of my coworkers that brought me literally to tears. He just repeatedly stated that the choices that one person makes, doesn't make any difference in the scheme of things. Accused me of being sentimental, and it broke me up a little. He's only 10 years older than I am. Why does he feel that way? Do the things I do really make a difference or do I just tell myself that they do so I'm not constantly depressed about it. I try to see the small changes, the choices that people make daily that make even a little bit of difference. Am I sentimental like he says? Or is he the one that's totally cynical?
Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to be surrounded by the people I have in my life.
Wednesday 15 April 2015
Erasing the Lines
I had the opportunity to meet so many people over the past week in Alabama. And trust me when I say, that I came back a different person than when I left.
I wanted to write a post about Keshia Thomas. What an amazing woman! I was humbled by her presence. By having her work beside us, share our meals with us, and just generally share her stories with us. So, I'm sure some people don't know who she is, but she's got a very inspiring story and it's definitely worth a read. But I don't want to write her story here. What I really wanted to write about was how she impacted me.
I think we've all experienced racism in some form. Whether it's just witnessing it, taking part in it, or being a victim of it. Even on our trip back, in the L.A airport, I was exposed to racism on a bus.
On Saturday, our last day together, we all traveled to Selma, Alabama. We walked over the Edmund Pettus bridge together that crosses from Selma to Montgomery. Keshia was talking with a group of people before we crossed the bridge, asking questions about what everyone knew about it's significance. Someone asked her the question, "I'm white, what can I do to help fight racism?". Her response really inspired thought in me.
She said, "Let's not talk about black and white. Racism is not a black peoples' problem, it's everybody's problem".
It got me thinking about a lot of different conflicts. Wars, terrorism, murder, rape. I started thinking about rape culture, and how so much of it is directed towards women. Women's self defense, women's support groups. Where are the men involved? Where's the education? This is a societal issue, not a women's issue, and we don't talk about it enough. I've been thinking about wars that are fought between religions. They are just perpetuating the ideas that we are somehow different from each other. That our belief in a god, or our disbelief, or our culture or colour somehow makes segregation and violence acceptable. All over the world societies draw lines. We draw lines between race, between religion, between age, between gender. We even draw lines that separate us from our environment. These things we take advantage of every day.
These are the ideas that we use to justify wars, and violence. I'm no more different from someone that is Buddhist, than I am from someone that is African. I'm am not entitled to more or less because of the colour of my skin, or my religion. Everything and everyone deserves to be treated with the same respect and compassion, and until we learn that, we're not true martial artists. Because what does kung fu teach us? We really need to ask ourselves that question.
I wanted to write a post about Keshia Thomas. What an amazing woman! I was humbled by her presence. By having her work beside us, share our meals with us, and just generally share her stories with us. So, I'm sure some people don't know who she is, but she's got a very inspiring story and it's definitely worth a read. But I don't want to write her story here. What I really wanted to write about was how she impacted me.
I think we've all experienced racism in some form. Whether it's just witnessing it, taking part in it, or being a victim of it. Even on our trip back, in the L.A airport, I was exposed to racism on a bus.
On Saturday, our last day together, we all traveled to Selma, Alabama. We walked over the Edmund Pettus bridge together that crosses from Selma to Montgomery. Keshia was talking with a group of people before we crossed the bridge, asking questions about what everyone knew about it's significance. Someone asked her the question, "I'm white, what can I do to help fight racism?". Her response really inspired thought in me.
She said, "Let's not talk about black and white. Racism is not a black peoples' problem, it's everybody's problem".
It got me thinking about a lot of different conflicts. Wars, terrorism, murder, rape. I started thinking about rape culture, and how so much of it is directed towards women. Women's self defense, women's support groups. Where are the men involved? Where's the education? This is a societal issue, not a women's issue, and we don't talk about it enough. I've been thinking about wars that are fought between religions. They are just perpetuating the ideas that we are somehow different from each other. That our belief in a god, or our disbelief, or our culture or colour somehow makes segregation and violence acceptable. All over the world societies draw lines. We draw lines between race, between religion, between age, between gender. We even draw lines that separate us from our environment. These things we take advantage of every day.
These are the ideas that we use to justify wars, and violence. I'm no more different from someone that is Buddhist, than I am from someone that is African. I'm am not entitled to more or less because of the colour of my skin, or my religion. Everything and everyone deserves to be treated with the same respect and compassion, and until we learn that, we're not true martial artists. Because what does kung fu teach us? We really need to ask ourselves that question.
Thursday 2 April 2015
A Team
I have the tendency to be kind of stupidly independent. Sometimes, it's just silly how much I try to do on my own. But I love the feeling of "independence". Even if a lot of times it is an illusion.
So I had a great moment last night where Sifu Langner and I were talking about our inconsistent blogging so far this year. So I started teasing him and he teased me back. We both admitted to ourselves, and to each other, that it was something that we just needed to do. You can make all the excuses in the world, but if you don't change anything, then you don't accomplish anything.
So this morning, I signed into google plus, and I saw that he had blogged. Which feels great, and in turn, inspires me to blog. And this is when I was reminded about how great it is to be part of a team. Of course, there's many examples of this every time we train together, but it's good that you can have someone else out there that's in the same space as you mentally, and you can help motivate one another. Awesome!
I'm really nervous and excited about Alabama. I've never been somewhere like it, it will be an amazing experience I'm sure. And I'm also really excited about the fellow students I'm going to be travelling with. If anyone had seen what we were like just trying to figure out our flights, they would know that this is gonna be a very interesting trip.
So I had a great moment last night where Sifu Langner and I were talking about our inconsistent blogging so far this year. So I started teasing him and he teased me back. We both admitted to ourselves, and to each other, that it was something that we just needed to do. You can make all the excuses in the world, but if you don't change anything, then you don't accomplish anything.
So this morning, I signed into google plus, and I saw that he had blogged. Which feels great, and in turn, inspires me to blog. And this is when I was reminded about how great it is to be part of a team. Of course, there's many examples of this every time we train together, but it's good that you can have someone else out there that's in the same space as you mentally, and you can help motivate one another. Awesome!
I'm really nervous and excited about Alabama. I've never been somewhere like it, it will be an amazing experience I'm sure. And I'm also really excited about the fellow students I'm going to be travelling with. If anyone had seen what we were like just trying to figure out our flights, they would know that this is gonna be a very interesting trip.
Monday 23 March 2015
Stress
My mind has been kind of all over the place the last couple of weeks. I was doing well with my numbers, and then I got sick, AGAIN! Ugh. I know why, I try to do too much sometimes. Then I follow that generally by burning out. But the funny thing is, as busy as I am sometimes, I still feel like I've got a better mental state than the majority of my friends.
I had the opportunity this week to meet up with several of my friends that I haven't seen in a long time. A couple of them, I haven't seen in more than 5 years. One, since the Christmas before last. Sometimes I become really wrapped up in my training, And I forget that I have a life outside of kung fu.
It was really frightening to me, to hear some of their stories about their lives recently. One friend, has been so stressed that she wakes up with clumps of hair in her hands. Two of my other friends were discussing how they've recently started to have panic attacks. What is going on?!? We're young, mostly with little responsibility. None of us have children. We all have a pretty good quality of living. I mentioned this to Brandi and she said several of her friends are also on anti-anxiety medications.
I understand stress. I've had plenty of stress in the last however many years, but I also spent a lot of my time in China learning to deal with stress. Practicing Qi Gong, Tai Ji, meditation. These are all tools that I don't even realize I'm using a lot of the time. It's sad for me to see people every day, who are totally unable to unplug themselves, and just relax. The stuff that they have, and the things that they do that are supposed to be making them happy, are really just adding weight onto their shoulders. And they can't even see it.
It makes me really appreciate the opportunity I had living in China. I learned how to be happy without 'things' and to really cherish the few luxuries I was allowed. I watched a great Ted Talk about happiness. Got me thinking....
http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy?language=en
I had the opportunity this week to meet up with several of my friends that I haven't seen in a long time. A couple of them, I haven't seen in more than 5 years. One, since the Christmas before last. Sometimes I become really wrapped up in my training, And I forget that I have a life outside of kung fu.
It was really frightening to me, to hear some of their stories about their lives recently. One friend, has been so stressed that she wakes up with clumps of hair in her hands. Two of my other friends were discussing how they've recently started to have panic attacks. What is going on?!? We're young, mostly with little responsibility. None of us have children. We all have a pretty good quality of living. I mentioned this to Brandi and she said several of her friends are also on anti-anxiety medications.
I understand stress. I've had plenty of stress in the last however many years, but I also spent a lot of my time in China learning to deal with stress. Practicing Qi Gong, Tai Ji, meditation. These are all tools that I don't even realize I'm using a lot of the time. It's sad for me to see people every day, who are totally unable to unplug themselves, and just relax. The stuff that they have, and the things that they do that are supposed to be making them happy, are really just adding weight onto their shoulders. And they can't even see it.
It makes me really appreciate the opportunity I had living in China. I learned how to be happy without 'things' and to really cherish the few luxuries I was allowed. I watched a great Ted Talk about happiness. Got me thinking....
http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy?language=en
Monday 2 March 2015
Stereotyping
About a month ago, I was invited to a management training course to represent someone from generation Y. It was incredible to me as we examined stereotypes given to the different generations in the workforce, how unaware I was of the fact that I too was constantly unconsciously stereotyping others, and being stereotyped by them. Becoming aware of this in just one aspect of my life, really opened the flood gates for me. I started to become aware of all of the judgments I was making on a daily basis and how it was affecting my interactions with other people. I always considered myself open minded, but I realized that in some situations, I`m unaware of the snap categorizations I make.
As many people have heard I`m sure, Leonard Nimoy passed away last week. I read this old letter that he wrote, and it`s incredible how he`s taken a role that he played, and shared the thoughts of the character to make him relate-able to so many people. I`d like to share it with you. It`s something I intend to keep reading for a long time. Live long and prosper.
Monday 23 February 2015
Beginnings of the sheep
I didn't post last week. As I'm sure you can imagine, my head was a mess and I just didn't know where to start. I'm writing this blog on my phone, in bed sick. Yep that's my post-banquet glow. Almost immediately after it was over, I crashed. Had a fever all night, and today I'm just going to rest. Gotta make sure I get rid of all that emotional stuff so I guess I'm just going to sweat it out. You know when you've been working really hard non-stop and then all of a sudden you have time for a breather, that's when I normally get sick.
Saturday was an amazing day for me. Between helping with the setup, and getting a chance to spend some time with some of my team members (horse and sheep) I really couldn't have had more fun. The lion dance and demos were nearly flawless, and hopefully most people didn't even notice the mistakes.
The part I was most anxious about was my speech. I don't talk about my feelings well, or often enough, and I was so afraid that I wouldn't make it through. But it went well, I mostly held it together. Up until Sifu Tymchuk's speech anyways. And luckily by that point all eyes were on him..
Everyone has been so incredibly supportive of me in these last months and you all have no idea how meaningful it was for me to have you all there for my promotion. Thank you to everyone that volunteered any of their time or efforts into making the banquet happen. It was spectacular!
Monday 9 February 2015
The Year of the Horse
This was my first year as a member of the I Ho Chuan, but it was also the end of my five years in China strictly dedicated to kung fu and my own personal development. I didn't realize what I was undertaking when I agreed to be part of the I Ho Chuan team, but really it couldn't have come at a better time for me. It took me a while to really get into the swing of things, but I achieved I'd say about 60% of my goals and I'm happy with the progress that I made.
The biggest thing I learned this year wasn't actually related to my goals directly, but was a result of having the goals and keeping track of my progress. This year was a difficult year for me. There was a lot of disappointment with the way the program ended, and some pretty bad feelings left between our Master and some of my fellow students.
This year he had basically left us on our own, and I had to figure out ways to keep myself motivated to practice, without any external discipline or motivation. I've always been pretty self disciplined. I go to practice on time of my own accord. I don't need someone to wake me up, even if I'm getting up a 440am. And when I get free time to practice, I try to take advantage of it as much as possible. But when you've learned all the curriculum that you're master is willing to teach, and there's no one there driving you, it's time to pull up your big girl pants and get down to it.
This was one of my biggest personal successes. I was one of the class members who still consistently went to training. I still worked on my basics daily. And I still meditated. I spent a lot of time practicing my Tai Ji and I kept up with my pushups and situps, and all of my other physical goals. Outside of class, I took on extra lessons from my calligraphy teacher and had some free one on one lessons with a guitar teacher. Having these goals kept me engaged even when most of the rest of my classmates were left floundering. It helped me find my own internal inspiration and motivation for practice.
Coming home was a really tough transition, trying to figure out where my Kung Fu fit into my life in Canada. But heading back to the kwoon, and having the opportunity to read people's blogs, and talk with people who have read mine too. It was like just fitting back into the family. I'm not fully there yet, but I'm close, and I can't imagine how my training would be progressing (or not) if I didn't have such a positive, like minded group to come back to. I can't wait for the Year of the Sheep.
The biggest thing I learned this year wasn't actually related to my goals directly, but was a result of having the goals and keeping track of my progress. This year was a difficult year for me. There was a lot of disappointment with the way the program ended, and some pretty bad feelings left between our Master and some of my fellow students.
This year he had basically left us on our own, and I had to figure out ways to keep myself motivated to practice, without any external discipline or motivation. I've always been pretty self disciplined. I go to practice on time of my own accord. I don't need someone to wake me up, even if I'm getting up a 440am. And when I get free time to practice, I try to take advantage of it as much as possible. But when you've learned all the curriculum that you're master is willing to teach, and there's no one there driving you, it's time to pull up your big girl pants and get down to it.
This was one of my biggest personal successes. I was one of the class members who still consistently went to training. I still worked on my basics daily. And I still meditated. I spent a lot of time practicing my Tai Ji and I kept up with my pushups and situps, and all of my other physical goals. Outside of class, I took on extra lessons from my calligraphy teacher and had some free one on one lessons with a guitar teacher. Having these goals kept me engaged even when most of the rest of my classmates were left floundering. It helped me find my own internal inspiration and motivation for practice.
Coming home was a really tough transition, trying to figure out where my Kung Fu fit into my life in Canada. But heading back to the kwoon, and having the opportunity to read people's blogs, and talk with people who have read mine too. It was like just fitting back into the family. I'm not fully there yet, but I'm close, and I can't imagine how my training would be progressing (or not) if I didn't have such a positive, like minded group to come back to. I can't wait for the Year of the Sheep.
Tuesday 3 February 2015
Justification
Sifu Brinker said something to me the other day that really made me think about how I approach my daily requirements, and some of the obligations in my life.
He said that he didn't believe that there were truly evil people in the world, there were just people who managed to justify the things that they do, and choices that they make. It made me think about how many times a day I try to justify my actions, or reactions, in different situations.
For example, I can justify the fact that I didn't do any pushups yesterday, but telling myself that it's okay because I donated my pushup time to doing a lion dance for the benevolent foundation. But where is the truth in that? I did donate my time, but is that the true reason that I didn't finish my requirements? No. It's not. I can justify poor diet choices by saying it's because I'm busy. Not good enough.
I make a daily effort to be honest with myself. No rose coloured glasses involved in my introspection. I don't always achieve that, but I'm not always consciously making the choice to lie to myself. I have to take in to consideration all of the times I've lied to myself in the past 29 years of my life and start to become aware of negative patterns. I can catch myself justifying the choices that I make throughout my day, and really think about the things that I'm trying to achieve. On my path to mastery, I need to be consistent and compassionate with myself. Correcting my mind is my biggest battle, but I'm winning it, one thought at a time.
Monday 26 January 2015
Forgetting
I don't really have the greatest of memories. I usually chalk it up to the fact that I'm generally trying to do too much at once. I don't necessarily mean at the exact same moment, but I often seem to have many projects on the go. But I like to be busy. I know what I'm like when I'm restless, and it's not good news.
So, I didn't blog last week. And I was thinking about it. And I asked myself the question, "when does forgetting something become a choice?". I forgot to blog a couple of days, but then I chose not to blog until today. I can forget to call my friend back, but after a certain number of times that I forget, it becomes a choice to not call them. I've had many opportunities, and I haven't done it. I do have a tendency to procrastinate, and sometimes my priorities get a little mixed up.
Just a train of thought.. Kind of lost where I was going with it. But here it is. Something I've been pondering.
So, I didn't blog last week. And I was thinking about it. And I asked myself the question, "when does forgetting something become a choice?". I forgot to blog a couple of days, but then I chose not to blog until today. I can forget to call my friend back, but after a certain number of times that I forget, it becomes a choice to not call them. I've had many opportunities, and I haven't done it. I do have a tendency to procrastinate, and sometimes my priorities get a little mixed up.
Just a train of thought.. Kind of lost where I was going with it. But here it is. Something I've been pondering.
Sunday 11 January 2015
Asking For Help
I'm terrible at asking for help. I would say I keep my ego pretty in check most of the time, except when it comes to me asking someone else for help. If someone offers me help, I make an effort to accept the help because I don't want to offend anyone, but even then sometimes it's a natural reaction for me to say no. I don't like the feeling of incompetence, or helplessness, and although I'm pretty friendly and outgoing, I really don't like sharing my struggles.
Even when I was a kid I was so set on being independent that I often made my own life much more difficult. For example, I wanted to learn to do the dishes and wash my laundry on my own so that I didn't have to ask my mom. So when I was about 6, I was using the washing machine on my own, and helping Brandi with the dishes. I got my first job when I was 14, so that I could buy the things I wanted.
So in the past few months I've realized that I still feel this need to be independent (of course living with my parents isn't helping this feeling). I quietly struggle through my conflicts, and I don't like to discuss them with anyone. And I've realized that sometimes this really hurts the people close to me.
You know the thing that I find the strangest out of all of this is that I love helping other people. I feel so good when I can bust out some idea or some useful skill and put it to good use. I even love when people choose to confide in me, especially if I feel like I can give them some helpful advice.
Is it pride or is it mulishness that's feeding my need for independence? I'd like to think I'm just too stubborn for my own good.
Even when I was a kid I was so set on being independent that I often made my own life much more difficult. For example, I wanted to learn to do the dishes and wash my laundry on my own so that I didn't have to ask my mom. So when I was about 6, I was using the washing machine on my own, and helping Brandi with the dishes. I got my first job when I was 14, so that I could buy the things I wanted.
So in the past few months I've realized that I still feel this need to be independent (of course living with my parents isn't helping this feeling). I quietly struggle through my conflicts, and I don't like to discuss them with anyone. And I've realized that sometimes this really hurts the people close to me.
You know the thing that I find the strangest out of all of this is that I love helping other people. I feel so good when I can bust out some idea or some useful skill and put it to good use. I even love when people choose to confide in me, especially if I feel like I can give them some helpful advice.
Is it pride or is it mulishness that's feeding my need for independence? I'd like to think I'm just too stubborn for my own good.
Tuesday 6 January 2015
Synchronicity
I've been reading a lot about Jung's theory of synchronicity recently. I've always been one that believes in collective consciousness, or some would refer to it as collective unconcsciousness. I feel that there's too many times in my life where coincidence can't explain the things that happen.
So I watched an episode of, 'William Shatner's weird or what' where he examines the case of Kevin and Penny. Two people who against crazy odds both end up saving the other's life 7 years apart. I'm not going to get into the mathematics of this, because it takes a lot of equations into consideration. but the thing that I found fascinating was when they started talking about quantum mechanics, and how they believe it's possible for people to become quantum entangled. Meaning that two people can become entangled in such a way that anything that happens to one of them, is communicated to the other regardless of distance.
It just got me thinking about the direction my life has gone, and how sometimes it seems you've chosen a certain path in a specific direction, and somehow, it leads you back to the same people, or a place you didn't expect. I'm no physicist, but I think this is an interesting thought.
Today I read an except from Thich Nhat Hanh that I thought was very applicable.
So I watched an episode of, 'William Shatner's weird or what' where he examines the case of Kevin and Penny. Two people who against crazy odds both end up saving the other's life 7 years apart. I'm not going to get into the mathematics of this, because it takes a lot of equations into consideration. but the thing that I found fascinating was when they started talking about quantum mechanics, and how they believe it's possible for people to become quantum entangled. Meaning that two people can become entangled in such a way that anything that happens to one of them, is communicated to the other regardless of distance.
It just got me thinking about the direction my life has gone, and how sometimes it seems you've chosen a certain path in a specific direction, and somehow, it leads you back to the same people, or a place you didn't expect. I'm no physicist, but I think this is an interesting thought.
Today I read an except from Thich Nhat Hanh that I thought was very applicable.
According to the teaching of Interdependent Co-Arising, cause and effect co-arise (samutpada) and everything is a result of multiple causes and conditions... In the sutras, this image is given: "Three cut reeds can stand only by leaning on one another. If you take one away, the other two will fall." For a table to exist, we need wood, a carpenter, time, skillfulness, and many other causes. And each of these causes needs other causes to be. The wood needs the forest, the sunshine, the rain, and so on. The carpenter needs his parents, breakfast, fresh air, and so on. And each of those things, in turn, has to be brought about by other causes and conditions. If we continue to look in this way, we'll see that nothing has been left out. Everything in the cosmos has come together to bring us this table. Looking deeply at the sunshine, the leaves of the tree, and the clouds, we can see the table. The one can be seen in the all, and the all can be seen in the one.
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