Oxymorons

I had a great long weekend this weekend. My family all drove to Vancouver to visit my aunt and uncle and my two quite young cousins. It was interesting having someone so attached to me. My cousin Nova just wanted me to be everywhere she was and do everything she was doing. A couple occasions I had to disappoint her, but all in all, we had a great time together. I was talking to my mom and asked her why she thought Nova was so attached, and she suggested it might be because the last time they visited, I was still in the hospital. I was talking, but it was just after I had started talking, and I was still in rough shape.

Today I had another experience that got me thinking. A rep from one of the companies I deal with at my parent's shop came to talk with me about supplies. He said he heard I was sick and asked me a few questions. I gave a brief description of GBS and my situation and he commented how amazed he was with my good spirits.

I started thinking. Am I happy, or is it just that I'm so used to being happy that I don't know how to act? Am I happy? What counts as happy? Am I in good spirits?

GBS is this thing that has left me very confused with my emotions. I'm happy but, I'm also sad and frustrated. I laugh, but I also cry so easily. Everyone has good and bad days... I just have more bad than I used to? I get tired. And then I get grumpy with the people I love, and then I feel guilty and angry. I'm constantly worried about whether I'm going to be one of the unlucky ones that has GBS more than once.
I've been reading some Calvin and Hobbes lately, can you tell?

Family Obligation

Acts of kindness are something that I'm struggling with. It's not that I don't think I'm kind, but am I mindfully kind? Sometimes..

It takes about 5 minutes before I realize that I did something kind. It's like I perform an act of kindness but, it takes time for it to sink in. Like, oh yeah! That was kind of me.

So I'm making an effort this week to be more mindful of my actions. I'm a compassionate person, but I think being more aware of my actions can really just make me more thoughtful and mindful of the what I'm doing and why I'm doing it and who I'm doing them for, and how people are benefiting    myself included.

Last week I went to my Aunt's house to help her move some of the stuff out of her basement. I was thinking to myself on the way there that I would have preferred to be going because I wanted to help her out. And I did. But I also felt obligated to go because she's my Aunt, and she's done a lot for me. It made me question my motivation for kindness. Sometimes it's tough with family to make the distinction between duty and graciousness. Hopefully working on being more mindful, will help with my perspective.

Day Seized

I am very competitive by nature. It's something that I'm constantly battling. I decided it's good I didn't play team sports when I was a kid. Kung fu was perfect for me. Something that encourages that you work together, but at the same time for individual progress.

I try hard not to compare myself to others but I spend a lot of time also competing with myself. Am I better than I was yesterday? Can I do more of this than I could before? It helps me push myself, but during this experience I've also learned that sometimes I can't do more than I could yesterday. Whether it's life or injuries or some other  I should just be able to do my best today. Be satisfied with my best everyday. Numbers give you a goal, or a quantifiable amount to mark your progress. If at the end of the day I can say that I devoted myself to the pursuit of mastery, I should feel like the day was a success. I'm working on it.

First Slump

I had a rough week this week. Started out strong, got a bit of not so great news on Wednesday and then Bam! Where did the week go and how did I only get 4 reps of Tai Chi in? Why is my blog not done? Mel was in la-la land for the past 4 days. Time to pick herself up and start again.

The worst part of it is that I was just getting a nice rhythm going but I just let it all kind of fall off the plate and now I've got to pick it back up again. Making things a bit harder on myself. But this is a new week, and I'm sure I can do it because I've done it before.

There's not a lot of coherent thoughts in my brain at 8am, so I'm going to wrap it up here.

The Next Generation of Management

So, I'm sitting at the table studying, and the theme to Star Trek The Next Generation comes on. I'm taking a course called Introduction to Management through Athabasca University and today I'm reading about organizational heroes and organizational stories. The music seemed fitting to me because as I'm reading about organizational heroes I start to parallel my experiences at Silent River with my love of The Next Generation.

Of course Captain Picard is trying to constantly trying to inspire in his crew the abilities and characteristics that I think we value at Silent River. Compassion, empathy, patience, the ability to teach and to lead, the importance of community and our peers, and of course, the passion for our mission. We tell organizational stories to remind ourselves and our peers of our values and beliefs, and to teach people that are new to our organization why those values and beliefs still apply to the world that we live in, and the importance of what we're trying to accomplish.

I'm sure when someone wrote this business textbook they had no idea where my mind was going to go with this. But I think the best way to learn is to apply the things that I'm learning to my own life and my own experiences, and so although this may not be the application intended, I think it has just as much, if not more, value.

I know I'm probably nerding out right now and a lot of people are either too old or way too cool to know what I'm talking about. But, the message is hopefully there.