Beginnings of the sheep

I didn't post last week. As I'm sure you can imagine, my head was a mess and I just didn't know where to start. I'm writing this blog on my phone, in bed sick. Yep that's my post-banquet glow. Almost immediately after it was over, I crashed. Had a fever all night, and today I'm just going to rest. Gotta make sure I get rid of all that emotional stuff so I guess I'm just going to sweat it out. You know when you've been working really hard non-stop and then all of a sudden you have time for a breather, that's when I normally get sick.




Saturday was an amazing day for me. Between helping with the setup, and getting a chance to spend some time with some of my team members (horse and sheep) I really couldn't have had more fun. The lion dance and demos were nearly flawless, and hopefully most people didn't even notice the mistakes.




The part I was most anxious about was my speech. I don't talk about my feelings well, or often enough, and I was so afraid that I wouldn't make it through. But it went well, I mostly held it together. Up until Sifu Tymchuk's speech anyways. And luckily by that point all eyes were on him..




Everyone has been so incredibly supportive of me in these last months and you all have no idea how meaningful it was for me to have you all there for my promotion. Thank you to everyone that volunteered any of their time or efforts into making the banquet happen. It was spectacular!

The Year of the Horse

This was my first year as a member of the I Ho Chuan, but it was also the end of my five years in China strictly dedicated to kung fu and my own personal development. I didn't realize what I was undertaking when I agreed to be part of the I Ho Chuan team, but really it couldn't have come at a better time for me. It took me a while to really get into the swing of things, but I achieved I'd say about 60% of my goals and I'm happy with the progress that I made.

The biggest thing I learned this year wasn't actually related to my goals directly, but was a result of having the goals and keeping track of my progress. This year was a difficult year for me. There was a lot of disappointment with the way the program ended, and some pretty bad feelings left between our Master and some of my fellow students.

This year he had basically left us on our own, and I had to figure out ways to keep myself motivated to practice, without any external discipline or motivation. I've always been pretty self disciplined. I go to practice on time of my own accord. I don't need someone to wake me up, even if I'm getting up a 440am. And when I get free time to practice, I try to take advantage of it as much as possible. But when you've learned all the curriculum that you're master is willing to teach, and there's no one there driving you, it's time to pull up your big girl pants and get down to it.

This was one of my biggest personal successes. I was one of the class members who still consistently went to training. I still worked on my basics daily. And I still meditated. I spent a lot of time practicing my Tai Ji and I kept up with my pushups and situps, and all of my other physical goals. Outside of class, I took on extra lessons from my calligraphy teacher and had some free one on one lessons with a guitar teacher. Having these goals kept me engaged even when most  of the rest of my classmates were left floundering. It helped me find my own internal inspiration and motivation for practice.

Coming home was a really tough transition, trying to figure out where my Kung Fu fit into my life in Canada. But heading back to the kwoon, and having the opportunity to read people's blogs, and talk with people who have read mine too. It was like just fitting back into the family. I'm not fully there yet, but I'm close, and I can't imagine how my training would be progressing (or not) if I didn't have such a positive, like minded group to come back to. I can't wait for the Year of the Sheep.

Justification

Sifu Brinker said something to me the other day that really made me think about how I approach my daily requirements, and some of the obligations in my life. 

He said that he didn't believe that there were truly evil people in the world, there were just people who managed to justify the things that they do, and choices that they make. It made me think about how many times a day I try to justify my actions, or reactions, in different situations. 

For example, I can justify the fact that I didn't do any pushups yesterday, but telling myself that it's okay because I donated my pushup time to doing a lion dance for the benevolent foundation. But where is the truth in that? I did donate my time, but is that the true reason that I didn't finish my requirements? No. It's not. I can justify poor diet choices by saying it's because I'm busy. Not good enough. 

I make a daily effort to be honest with myself. No rose coloured glasses involved in my introspection. I don't always achieve that, but I'm not always consciously making the choice to lie to myself. I have to take in to consideration all of the times I've lied to myself in the past 29 years of my life and start to become aware of negative patterns. I can catch myself justifying the choices that I make throughout my day, and really think about the things that I'm trying to achieve. On my path to mastery, I need to be consistent and compassionate with myself. Correcting my mind is my biggest battle, but I'm winning it, one thought at a time. 

Forgetting

I don't really have the greatest of memories. I usually chalk it up to the fact that I'm generally trying to do too much at once. I don't necessarily mean at the exact same moment, but I often seem to have many projects on the go. But I like to be busy. I know what I'm like when I'm restless, and it's not good news.

So, I didn't blog last week. And I was thinking about it. And I asked myself the question, "when does forgetting something become a choice?". I forgot to blog a couple of days, but then I chose not to blog until today. I can forget to call my friend back, but after a certain number of times that I forget, it becomes a choice to not call them. I've had many opportunities, and I haven't done it. I do have a tendency to procrastinate, and sometimes my priorities get a little mixed up.

Just a train of thought.. Kind of lost where I was going with it. But here it is. Something I've been pondering.

Asking For Help

I'm terrible at asking for help. I would say I keep my ego pretty in check most of the time, except when it comes to me asking someone else for help. If someone offers me help, I make an effort to accept the help because I don't want to offend anyone, but even then sometimes it's a natural reaction for me to say no. I don't like the feeling of incompetence, or helplessness, and although I'm pretty friendly and outgoing, I really don't like sharing my struggles.

Even when I was a kid I was so set on being independent that I often made my own life much more difficult. For example, I wanted to learn to do the dishes and wash my laundry on my own so that I didn't have to ask my mom. So when I was about 6, I was using the washing machine on my own, and helping Brandi with the dishes. I got my first job when I was 14, so that I could buy the things I wanted.

So in the past few months I've realized that I still feel this need to be independent (of course living with my parents isn't helping this feeling). I quietly struggle through my conflicts, and I don't like to discuss them with anyone. And I've realized that sometimes this really hurts the people close to me.

You know the thing that I find the strangest out of all of this is that I love helping other people. I feel so good when I can bust out some idea or some useful skill and put it to good use. I even love when people choose to confide in me, especially if I feel like I can give them some helpful advice.

Is it pride or is it mulishness that's feeding my need for independence? I'd like to think I'm just too stubborn for my own good.

Synchronicity

I've been reading a lot about Jung's theory of synchronicity recently. I've always been one that believes in collective consciousness, or some would refer to it as collective unconcsciousness. I feel that there's too many times in my life where coincidence can't explain the things that happen.

So I watched an episode of, 'William Shatner's weird or what' where he examines the case of Kevin and Penny. Two people who against crazy odds both end up saving the other's life 7 years apart. I'm not going to get into the mathematics of this, because it takes a lot of equations into consideration. but the thing that I found fascinating was when they started talking about quantum mechanics, and how they believe it's possible for people to become quantum entangled. Meaning that two people can become entangled in such a way that anything that happens to one of them, is communicated to the other regardless of distance.

It just got me thinking about the direction my life has gone, and how sometimes it seems you've chosen a certain path in a specific direction, and somehow, it leads you back to the same people, or a place you didn't expect. I'm no physicist, but I think this is an interesting thought.

Today I read an except from Thich Nhat Hanh that I thought was very applicable.

According to the teaching of Interdependent Co-Arising, cause and effect co-arise (samutpada) and everything is a result of multiple causes and conditions... In the sutras, this image is given: "Three cut reeds can stand only by leaning on one another. If you take one away, the other two will fall." For a table to exist, we need wood, a carpenter, time, skillfulness, and many other causes. And each of these causes needs other causes to be. The wood needs the forest, the sunshine, the rain, and so on. The carpenter needs his parents, breakfast, fresh air, and so on. And each of those things, in turn, has to be brought about by other causes and conditions. If we continue to look in this way, we'll see that nothing has been left out. Everything in the cosmos has come together to bring us this table. Looking deeply at the sunshine, the leaves of the tree, and the clouds, we can see the table. The one can be seen in the all, and the all can be seen in the one.

Merry Christmas (it's a little late)

Well, I don't have much to say this week. I've been sick, and incredible busy with all this Christmas jazz. Got some tonsillitis, and a nice fever to keep me warm on Monday night and for several nights after. And just today am starting to feel like a normal person again.

But I had such a nice time with my family, although I didn't get to see everyone. It was a little bit quieter than usual which I appreciated since I was under the weather. I felt like a kid, hanging at my aunt and uncle's place playing games with my cousins. It was refreshing. Like an old school family Christmas where people used to actually spend time together. It reminded me how lucky I am to be part of the family I was born into. Sometimes I forget.