Merry Christmas (it's a little late)

Well, I don't have much to say this week. I've been sick, and incredible busy with all this Christmas jazz. Got some tonsillitis, and a nice fever to keep me warm on Monday night and for several nights after. And just today am starting to feel like a normal person again.

But I had such a nice time with my family, although I didn't get to see everyone. It was a little bit quieter than usual which I appreciated since I was under the weather. I felt like a kid, hanging at my aunt and uncle's place playing games with my cousins. It was refreshing. Like an old school family Christmas where people used to actually spend time together. It reminded me how lucky I am to be part of the family I was born into. Sometimes I forget.

This week

I had a rough week this week. I came back from Canmore last Thursday and discovered a few days later that I was covered in bites (what I assumed to be bed bug bites). So I proceeded to tear apart my entire room, wash and dry everything on high heat. I sprayed my mattress down with a bug killer, and was then forced to sleep on the couch for 3 nights.

Meanwhile, early in the week I discovered a lump in the back of my neck. Like an abnormal lump. And three days later I find that it's grown and it's much harder. Suddenly my mind runs to everything from a nest of spider eggs to crazy malignant cancer. I know these things are both totally unlikely, but the fact that  I'm already exhausted and covered in horribly itchy bites doesn't make me particularly rational.

I couldn't find my Alberta health care card and was convinced that I was going to miss my doctor's appointment. I did make it to the doctor, and no I don't have cancer or a nest of spider eggs. Just a possibly swollen lymph gland.

I wake up on the couch on Friday morning and my back is killing me.

Thankfully, I decided I should still give training a shot. I felt so much better after getting some really good practice in. Kung fu saves me again. Whew!

My Turn

Well I see many people have decided to blog yesterday and today. And like Sifu Brinker said in the meeting, it's really helpful to see where other people are at.

I'm really excited about the new people that are joining this year, along with the people that will be on the team again. I wasn't really here for the whole year last time, so I'm looking forward to being at more meetings and really getting a chance to follow other peoples' journeys.

Sifu Brinker was right when he was talking about an acquired skill. It reminded me that when I was in China, I didn't always have something super inspiring to write, but I still came up with something pretty much weekly. I guess the thing with me being home is that I've still kind of been struggling to come up with a daily/weekly routine.

I spent so much time before I started the I Ho Chuan team last time just coming up with my goals and a plan and a routine, and then completely upending that whole plan sort of left me drifting a little bit. Thankfully, I've been getting the chance to still do a lot of training, and practice of all kinds. Just having the opportunity  to be a part of the team and Silent River as a school has kept me really engaged. I just have to sit down, and really take the time to do some planning.

Nice to read everyone's blogs so far. I'll be looking forward to more. :)

Growth

Here's the funny thing. I have so much going on right now, and so many half written blogs that I just can't seem to really ever make a point of. I like writing not just to say, this is where I am. But to say, this is where I am, and where are you? I realized last night, and today, that I have chosen to surround myself with people that may not necessarily understand kung fu, but support me because they understand the higher goal. Kung fu is nothing without students, and one of my life long goals is to forever practice and grow. The other day I was listening to a Deepak Chopra guided meditation where he said growth is the most noble desire.

I've been reading a lot of my team member's journals and it seems like many people are at the same place. I like to use the word floundering because that's how I feel. We all know we have goals that are important to us, and that we want to achieve, but we're struggling with the discipline, motivation, and follow through. During my time in China I encountered this at least once a year. My yearly plateau. Usually it was in the spring, but I know the feeling. You look at yourself and you're like, "I'm not improving, I'm unmotivated, uninspired, unfocused", and you start to be pretty hard on yourself. You know, why am I wasting my time here? What's the point of this? Why do I keep forcing myself to do this stuff? What's the point, what's the point, what's the point? I don't know how many times I've said that in the past 5 years.

And I guess the answer is, and my point is, that whether you're following through on all your goals or not, if you look back, maybe sometimes farther back than you really want to, you'll see why you're doing what you're doing. You'll remember what your life was like before you had put all this pressure on yourself. You'll see how much you've grown and you'll see that it's worth it. It was worth it back then, and it's worth it now, because in the future, you'll look back at yourself today and see how much more you've grown. That's the point. And that's the life I want to live. How about you?

Thanks

I haven`t been blogging regularly. As I shared with the I Ho Chuan team, I`ve been struggling to come up with a new routine for my requirements. This week has been a big improvement. I didn`t get everything done every day, but I did 6 out of the 8 days since then. So I`m happy with that. Now I`ve got to make Sunday my regular blogging day, and hopefully I`ll be back on track. This Thanksgiving I thought about what I`m thankful for and it`s so clear what has been the biggest impact in my life. My family and friends have been amazing. Supporting me in any way they can, even when they don`t realize it. But I would not be the person that I am without kung fu. I started when I was 10 years old, and now 19 years later, it`s still changing me every day. I`ve had many struggles in my life, but it has always been there for me. The great thing about focusing on something that`s conceptual for so many years is that it`s always there for you whenever you need it.

Butterflies

Thailand was amazing. I can't believe how much I needed that. Just fun times and relaxing. Mixed with a little bit of learning of course..

Well, I'm home! It's so strange and so wonderful. Moving back into my parents' house is incredible strange. This is the house I grew up in since I was four. It's strange to be unpacking in Brandi's old bedroom and also trying to organize the house for four. 

I've been sort of walking around with a constant belly full of butterflies. Everything feels so different. I still have jet lag as well, so I'm feeling a bit funny. I have no idea what I'm going to experience here. I've gotten so used to pretty much literally doing the exact same thing every day. Now I feel as though every day is full of surprises. I'm sure at some point after I start working and stuff, I'll be wishing for some surprises, so I'm just trying to enjoy these feelings. I can't wait to get back to Silent River and see everyone again (although I feel like I barely know anyone anymore).... 

Graduation

I didn't blog last week. This whole wind up process I'm finding to be really overwhelming. Packing up our room felt so good. Brandi and I are more or less ready to leave. We did a preliminary pack today, and I think all is going well. I'm trying not to think about all the things I'm going to have waiting for me when I get home. It's hard though.. I'm excited about all the new things I get to experience, but I'm also feeling a lot of anxiety about trying to get back into a normal lifestyle. I mean normal by my standards anyways. So I'm not sleeping great, and I'm pretty exhausted. Thankfully, all of my classmates and I are sort of dealing with this at the same time, so everyone's been really supportive of one another. The funniest thing about it is, that as far as a class goes, we're pretty much done. Many of my classmates haven't been going to training for almost two weeks, and sometimes I don't even see them for days. But emotionally, we're all so much more in tune than we've ever been before. Strange how we couldn't seem to manage that over the years... Anyways, I'm going to share a quote that I've been repeating to myself pretty frequently the last couple of weeks.

“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”  ― Dalai Lama XIV