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Life is strange.

I've often felt grateful to be who I am. Of course I have regrets, and there's things I wish I could change. But I have a wonderful family. I've never really wanted for anything. I've followed many of my dreams. And because I worked hard to do it, I really appreciated the value in the journey. Up until this year I've been very healthy and happy.

I don't know that I could write a list of names in this blog of all the people I could thank for supporting me in the past 5 months. I could start with some of my lovely ICU nurses. I spent six weeks there. Not being able to say a word. And some of them treated me like gold. Giving me ice baths so I didn't feel like I was going to cook to death. My respiratory therapists, who came to check on me constantly to make sure my breathing was okay, especially when I was trying to get off the ventilator. The physios I had. I remember the first time I sat up. and how I cried because I was so afraid. The thought of it still makes me cry. 

The gardens at Devon. People coming to visit while we sat in the beautiful gardens. The cooks coming to deliver my meals and bringing me icecream. The nurses dancing in my room while singing some "Jam" that I had never heard. Standing for the first time with the physios. 

The Glenrose. I worked my butt off there. I barely had an open hour in my schedule. But it was so worth it. Yvonne, my OT. Jim, my hand class teacher, Renae, my rec assistant, and Andrew my physio. I spent the past month and a half with them. And it's insane how much progress I made, but also how much I enjoyed my time with them. The nurses were so great. Stop to chat in the halls, give you leftover cupcake from a nurses birthday party. 

And my family. From the beginning. My parents coming in everyday and putting up with my grumpiness. My cousin and aunt a few times a week. My grandma was there as much as possible. My aunt came up from Calgary for a week. My uncle was laid off, so he was sleeping there with me. Obviously my lovely sister. But even her husband Simon spent a large part of his holiday here in the hospital with me. 

My friends from kung fu. You guys don't really know how much it meant. It's funny. I actually made some friends in the hospital. Some people that I knew from the school, but I had never seen outside of class. But yes, you made a special effort to keep coming to see me. And your visits meant so much. A lifeline to the kwoon. So I could stay engaged as much as possible. Even when I couldn't really speak. You were willing to come 

Anyways.. as you can see, this could go on forever, and the tips of my fingers are starting to get achy from the keys, although Jim would be encouraging this activity I'm sure. The point of all this is, all of you touched my life in a very special way. Thank you.

New Fears

So I've got my discharge date... the 30th of September. I tell people, and everyone's really excited for me. Won't it be so nice to go home? I'm so lucky my parents happen to have a wheelchair accessible house. I know right?

The truth, that I don't want to tell them, is that I'm really afraid. I don't want to go home in a wheelchair. I don't want someone to have to be there taking care of me. Here, everything is designed to be easily accessible. But life isn't like that.

I can't even drive. I got my license the day I turned 16 so I could have the freedom! This is just not how I expected my life at home again to be.

I'm sure this is something a lot of people go through at this phase of their rehabilitation.

I guess this is life's next big test for me.. We'll just see how I come out on the other side.

The mysterious syndrome no one has heard of

So, as most of you know by now in early June I was diagnosed with guillain barré syndrome, also known as GBS.

I had been house sitting for the Princes for the weekend. I had a headache for a few days, Sunday I came home and that night I woke up   numb tongue, hands and feet. I woke my mom up because I'd never experienced that before and we went to emergency. They thought I had a migraine and gave me an IV for some migraine medication.

The next night I woke my dad up again to take me to the hospital because I still had the same symptoms but I was in a lot of pain. So, we went back to the emergency, they did a lumbar puncture to check for GBS, but they didn't find the markers. The doctors think it might have been too soon.

The next day and my dad was looking on google and came across GBS. He brought home a little print out and it said if you have any problems with your respiration you should go to the emergency room immediately. It wasn't long after that that I recommended we go to the emergency room again.

PThey transferred me to the UofA hospital to see a neurologist. And it was two days later and I was on a ventilator. I don't remember much of the next few days. But I'm sure they were really scary for my friends and family. I'm so lucky enough to have the best family and friends around.


I started this post thinking that I would end it with some sort of like wise words or lesson. But I don't think I'm there yet. I know I've already learned a lot from this experience. But I don't know if I can put it into words.. But now you all know I'm alive at least..

Pandamonium

A weird thing just happened. I opened my blog page to discover that I had written something that I've never actually seen before... then I realized that my sister had somehow posted the blog she had written on my blog. How do her and I end up doing these things to each other?

Anyways.. Pandamonium. It was amazing. Tiring. But honestly so fun. The bottoms of my feet were actually a little bit sore by the end of the day from landing over and over in the dunk tank. I was lucky enough to have skipped all the ice additions though. Good timing.

I know we didn't raise nearly as much for funds as we were hoping. I, of course, haven't actually handed mine in yet, and will do so tonight. Hopefully I'll feel a little bit better about it. I didn't fund raise as much as I could have definitely, but I do have a couple of family members that really threw in to support us all. And I couldn't be more thankful to have wonderful people like them in my life.

This is my first pandamonium. I've never been a part of it before, and although it was tired, I felt fantastic the next day, and I'm sorry that I'm going to miss next year. We'll see how it goes. Next up, farmer days.

The Roundhouse - My Nemesis

First I want to start with this... Thank you to everyone who reads my blog, and who thinks of me when I'm having a hard time, and who takes the time to give me feedback. I really appreciate it. I feel the love.

So this weekend was an amazing one. I've never started out the week feeling so recharged. Not necessarily rested, because I felt like my weekend was packed!

Firstly, Tai Chi class. Man, I know so little about yang style, and honestly my intention is not to learn the entire long form, but the way Sifu Dennis breaks down the movements makes me think so much about my own movements. I start getting on a roll thinking how do I shift my weight here? Am I moving in this vector or in that vector? I'm lucky enough to have a background so I can learn the movements fairly quickly, but then spend the rest of the class breaking everything down. Awesome!

Move on to fitness class. The roundhouse is my nemesis. I really struggle pulling my hip back when I'm in the three point position. I've always had stiff hips (I know that sounds crazy) but I've worked really hard to get where I'm at, but the roundhouse it always comes back to that one position. Anyways, I was gifted with the opportunity to work on only roundhouse kicks for an entire hour. Best class ever! I felt like I made some serious progress. And I was lucky enough to have my mom join us for her first class. Made it even better!

Spending pretty much my entire morning/afternoon at the kwoon was great. I love being part of the school. There were so many people that came out for the cleanup, and so much was accomplished. Jobs like that always leave me feeling pumped. I can't wait for pandamonium! The meeting was great, it felt like people were really on board with the prep work and although I think Mr. Smid probably felt like he was in group therapy, I hope that sharing our experiences will help him figure things out for himself.

Went out for Mexican with my family and some other relatives. So good. Probably one of my favourite types of food. I mean who doesn't love chips, salsa and guacamole!

Sunday was also pretty full. My sister and I got up and made scones for my mom for Mother's Day. Bacon/Maple and Maple/Currant. Yummy. Best mom ever! Although I think most people say that about their moms.

Then I had my first motorcycle lesson! I don't wanna sound like I'm bragging, but between my dad and my new found (very patient) teacher, I think I'm gonna have no problem figuring this thing out!

Sunday afternoon my grandma came over for dinner. So we barbecued fish, and it was really nice to spend the afternoon sitting outside on our back deck.

I cleaned my room, and washed all my sheets, and I was so content and exhausted by the time I crawled into my nice fresh smelling bed, I slept like a log. It was fantastic. That was a long one.. thanks for reading. Ha!

Cleanup

So I've had a tough week and a half or so. This is going to sound like such a silly post. But here's the truth.

I got really depressed after we cleaned up Rotary Park. Yeah, I know that's like the opposite of what's supposed to happen. I started off like yeah, we're gonna clean up the park and make a difference, and I left thinking, if this is just the small amount of litter that people don't throw in the bin, imagine the amount of waste we're making on a regular basis.

I already think about this daily. Every time I'm shopping I think about the packaging of the things I'm buying. I stopped (mostly) buying any sort of processed foods for this reason, when I was living in China. While I was there, I wrote a blog about how I wasn't sure that putting garbage in the landfill was a better idea than just throwing it out the door. At least then you're forced to look at and deal with your garbage. Their gardens are full of plastic bags, and their rivers and streams have trash everywhere. It's really sad to see.

When we were in Alabama we met Julia Butterfly Hill, and she reminded me of myself. Not because I've ever done anything as epic as living in a tree for two years, but because she was very honest about how she has to deal with her own cynicism when she looks at all the poor decisions we make as a culture, and the repercussions of those decisions. And how it seems like we haven't learned anything from the mistakes that we've made over, and over again.

I had a conversation with one of my coworkers that brought me literally to tears. He just repeatedly stated that the choices that one person makes, doesn't make any difference in the scheme of things. Accused me of being sentimental, and it broke me up a little. He's only 10 years older than I am. Why does he feel that way? Do the things I do really make a difference or do I just tell myself that they do so I'm not constantly depressed about it. I try to see the small changes, the choices that people make daily that make even a little bit of difference. Am I sentimental like he says? Or is he the one that's totally cynical?

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to be surrounded by the people I have in my life.

Erasing the Lines

I had the opportunity to meet so many people over the past week in Alabama. And trust me when I say, that I came back a different person than when I left.

I wanted to write a post about Keshia Thomas. What an amazing woman! I was humbled by her presence. By having her work beside us, share our meals with us, and just generally share her stories with us. So, I'm sure some people don't know who she is, but she's got a very inspiring story and it's definitely worth a read. But I don't want to write her story here. What I really wanted to write about was how she impacted me.

I think we've all experienced racism in some form. Whether it's just witnessing it, taking part in it, or being a victim of it. Even on our trip back, in the L.A airport, I was exposed to racism on a bus.

On Saturday, our last day together, we all traveled to Selma, Alabama. We walked over the Edmund Pettus bridge together that crosses from Selma to Montgomery. Keshia was talking with a group of people before we crossed the bridge, asking questions about what everyone knew about it's significance. Someone asked her the question, "I'm white, what can I do to help fight racism?". Her response really inspired thought in me.

She said, "Let's not talk about black and white. Racism is not a black peoples' problem, it's everybody's problem".

It got me thinking about a lot of different conflicts. Wars, terrorism, murder, rape. I started thinking about rape culture, and how so much of it is directed towards women. Women's self defense, women's support groups. Where are the men involved? Where's the education? This is a societal issue, not a women's issue, and we don't talk about it enough. I've been thinking about wars that are fought between religions. They are just perpetuating the ideas that we are somehow different from each other. That our belief in a god, or our disbelief, or our culture or colour somehow makes segregation and violence acceptable. All over the world societies draw lines. We draw lines between race, between religion, between age, between gender. We even draw lines that separate us from our environment. These things we take advantage of every day.

These are the ideas that we use to justify wars, and violence. I'm no more different from someone that is Buddhist, than I am from someone that is African. I'm am not entitled to more or less because of the colour of my skin, or my religion. Everything and everyone deserves to be treated with the same respect and compassion, and until we learn that, we're not true martial artists. Because what does kung fu teach us? We really need to ask ourselves that question.