Suspicious

The last month and a half has been very frustrating, stressful, and mostly depressing. Don't get me wrong. There are certainly these amazing moments, and some fantastic opportunities, and I appreciate these things more than ever. Maybe that's one of the benefits of bad situations.

I could list all of the things gone wrong.. Dan's job, the motorcycle accident, being rear-ended, having my identity stolen. These things individually could be a cause for stress, but it seems like everything has happened all at once. I have spent incredible amounts of time on the phone, on the internet, filling out paperwork, and in various locations dealing with all this stuff. I'm so busy at work I'm having a hard time completing the day's tasks, but I'm also distracted and less efficient.

This weekend I went into a TD branch to discuss some fraudulent account under my name. I was listening to myself explain it to the teller, and then the manager, and I honestly just had to laugh. These are situations that happen in the movies, not in real life, and not to someone that has as financially boring a life as I do.

It's unfortunate that these experiences leave me less trusting, and more suspicious of people and their motives.  It is fortunate however, that I have so many people in my life that I do trust.

A Breath

I am, and probably will continue to be, someone that has a lot on my plate. I enjoy being social. I enjoy accomplishing things in my spare time. I just don't enjoy when I unintentionally over-commit myself. I don't like being late, or not being somewhere when I say I'm going to be. 

Kung fu is one of those things that I've always managed to make time for. Even if it's just a little bit here and there. Or some mental brainstorming and processing of some concept we've been working on. It's always been there. Sneaking it's way into things. Which is one of the ways that I continue to feel engaged even when my life gets crazy. 

Though life has been hectic the last few weeks, I've made a lot of progress mentally. I don't feel like I get so easily overwhelmed, but at the same time, it builds up slowly, so I often don't notice it. It becomes like some kind of fervor. I just start getting more and more frantic, so that by the time I realize where I'm at mentally, it's gone too far.

I have realized that some of the things that are going on, were starting to weigh on me. I was letting myself get too caught up in that sense of urgency. None of the things are urgent. None of them are going to be easy, but if I just keep making small progress forward. I will figure these things out.

Re-perspectivized (yep I made that up)

These past few weeks have been difficult on me mentally and emotionally. After Dan's motorcycle accident, we were left with a lot of headaches in regards to the insurance company. The other party denying fault, whether or not it makes sense to fix the bike that they wrote off, or whether we should take the money and walk away. When will we get the police report? We've been left in a sort of limbo.

Then, last Saturday, I got a call from a collections agency regarding a credit card that I don't actually have. I confirmed with BMO that indeed, this is a legitimate call, but then am left with hours of time on the phone, filling out papers, filing a police report etc., attempting to prove that I am really me, and that no I have never had that credit card. I have been left feeling victimized, concerned, and all around pretty vulnerable.

Thankfully, we had Pandamonium this weekend. This was a great way to bring me back to the moment, to engage with some very important causes, and participate in an event that really speaks to me. Also, I spent the day surrounded by friends and like-minded individuals, who constantly leave me feeling inspired and fulfilled. I am so grateful to be a part of Silent River Kung Fu.

On the Outside

Not being in the I Ho Chuan gives me a different perspective on our school's charity fundraiser, Pandamonium. It's interesting that, as a team member, there's so much planning and organizing that goes into the event. It becomes difficult to comprehend how the rest of the kwoon isn't as excited as you are about it.

It's different as a student not involved in the I Ho Chuan. Interestingly, I even have a secret spy in their midst, but I still feel much more disconnected from the event than I have in the past. As a student I see how someone else who's never been behind the scenes at this event might perceive what's going on vs. a member of the team.

It's harder to engage and takes more personal effort to be inspired by the mission than when you're on the team always talking about it. It made me realize, how important it is to engage students throughout the year. Not that this is the first time I've had this realization... You have to have the conversation over and over and over again about how important these core values are. This is what represents our school, not our kicks and punches, but how we conduct ourselves in the community and the world outside of the walls of our school. But it's also too easy to wait for others to make the real difference. I am trying to remind myself that many small actions, can make a big change.

Ego

 At the beginning of class, we have our bowing in ceremony where I try to focus on what's to come and prepare myself physically and mentally for learning. Or at least that's what I thought I was doing. But we had a discussion at the end of class on Thursday that made me realize that perhaps my cup isn't as empty as I thought.

One of the purposes of the bowing in ceremony is to figuratively "empty your cup"; A ceremony to pay respects, remove your ego, and start with a fresh perspective ready for learning. Something to remind us of our humility. Ideally, as a black belt, you are able to take a completely new concept, and apply it because of your understanding of the six harmonies. But many times, our ego prevents us from letting go of what we know, and hampers our efforts to learn. In order to achieve a real connection with your instructor however, this is a hugely important step.

So, it was a wake up call. I have some work to do. Which I already know, but it gives me a great direction to go in and gives me a renewed purpose. To cultivate that level of learning and understanding.

Lethargy of Sitting

I have a pretty sedentary job. Not that this is odd in today's world but, it's one of the things that I don't enjoy about it. I have a sit/stand desk which helps, and part of my job also involves interacting with my coworkers, so I'm walking around the office.

I've just noticed that the less I move around, the less I want to move. The more lethargic I feel, and it really affects my whole day. If I'm stuck at my desk all day, it has a tendency to carry over into my after work hours. I get home and I just want to sit on the couch like a potato. I can see how many people get sucked into this cycle of sit all day, sit all night. I have become more and more aware of this since I was promoted. I used to be in and out of the office/shop all day, running around and picking things up. Now I'm almost always doing paperwork. Ugh. The downside of hazardous materials removal, is that it requires a lot of legal paperwork.

So I've started to pay more attention to my fitbit. I already used it as a gauge to how active I was, but now I'm listening to it when it tells me I need to get up and move. Even if I just get up a do a few stretches, it invigorates me, and keeps me active. The only downside is that I'm also taking a business related course, and that too, requires a lot of sitting and note taking. School 1 - Mel 0.

Curriculum

One of the most difficult parts of planning our own school is deciding what to incorporate in our curriculum. There are so many valuable tools that I have learned here, and in China, and sometimes I struggle to see how the two will mesh together. I want to continue with my Kempo training. We practice much more application, sparring and shield work skills here than we did in China. But at the same time, a large portion of my practice there was what we call "internal". We practiced Tai Ji and Qi Gong every day, and built a great foundation for our internal alchemy. Not that this practice doesn't exist here, but it is not our main focus, at least generally, not until we reach a much higher level. 

Somehow, I like to envision a curriculum that incorporates both as major components to our training. I personally have felt the benefits of a daily practice that incorporates the internal and the external, hard and soft, slow and fast. And I'm certain that it can be achieved, it's really how to create the right culture in the school to nurture both these practices. Which I feel like Silent River has done in a way, but the question is how? How do you teach the student that is interested in studying meditation and qi gong, the value of something like sparring? And how does one teach the student most interested in practicing applications and techniques, the value of Tai Ji and meditation? 

In my daily gratitude journal, almost every day, I am thankful for the mentors I have, and the community I am a part of. I hope to be able to continue to communicate these values to the next generation of martial artists.