To roost or not to roost?

So I've been a bit out of sorts the last few months. And it was really just getting worse. There are some things that I've been forced to deal with lately, and one of them is that in some cases, GBS leaves people with the problem of chronic fatigue. Now, don't get me wrong. I know I'm still not recovered, but I also am not the type to just sit and wait. I want to participate actively in my recovery.

My naturopath has diagnosed me with an internal staph infection. Not very uncommon for the amount of time I was in the hospital, and all the tubes I had stuck in me. I've also been diagnosed with something called Epstein-Barr Virus. Which, is not at all uncommon and is a common cause of mono, but they have found links related to auto-immune diseases. Wikipedia says something like 95% of the population carry it around. It's a form of the herpes virus, much like chicken pox. And much like chicken pox, you really only get it once. Unless you're one of the unlucky ones that ends up with shingles. Which are often triggered by stress. So I'm inclined to think my GBS was rather stress related. And I've heard similar things from people who have other neurological diseases. The last thing I want, is to go through all that again. So now I've realized I need to learn to deal with this stress.

I've been debating for a while whether I was going to join the rooster team or not. I haven't been training at Silent River without the I Ho Chuan since before I went to China. I can't imagine what being part of the school would be like without it, but at this point, it seems like so much to take on. So, I finally had a meeting with Sifu Brinker. I would have to figure out how to feel like a part of the team without doing a lot of the physical aspects. But Sifu Brinker reminded me, as he has reminded us all over and over, that the I Ho Chuan is a tool. And it's a tool for my own personal development. So now the tough part is deciding what direction I'd like my life to go, and also how the I Ho Chuan could serve me next year.

Compassion for Oneself

This week has been a hard one for me. Isn't that just the usual though. On Saturday, I mentioned how great I was feeling and how hard I've been working. Taking the steps towards reaching my goals. Although, many of them I won't reach. It's irrelevant, because I'm living for today.

I have recently stopped drinking coffee regularly because I found that I was feeling the urge to drink it all the time. So I've discovered that I can't make it through the day without taking a nap now. Okay, I can handle that. For now, so I think.

In comes Monday. My first consultation with the naturopath. Whether you believe in this type of holistic medicine or not is irrelevant. You have to know any examination of me is going to have some bad news in it. Well, a lot more bad news than I realized. Slam! You're doing too much too soon. I'm surprised you're able to work and live a moderately normal life with these results. I must commend you for your willpower.

Then today I sign into my course curriculum for Athabasca University, and I realize I was a month off in my end date somehow and I missed it, thinking my course ended at the end of October. So now I've failed the course that I've spent all that time and money on. How could I be so stupid?

I sat down, took some deep breaths and reminded myself what I've been thinking since the meeting. It's so easy to look at other people and have compassion. It's much more difficult for me to be compassionate with myself. I've been attempting to work on this since I got out of the hospital. I can make excuses for the things that I do wrong, but it's just a huge waste of energy. I need to look at myself openly, accept my mistakes and keep moving forward. Sometimes easier said than done.
*sigh*

Courage

This week has been an interesting one. I went to a open house sorta thingy at a naturopath clinic that my Aunt has been going to. It's really caught my interest. I've never been to a naturopath before. I've considered it several times since I began my recovery, but I think I was a little bit afraid. I've experienced as much pain in this year, as most people probably experience in their lives. And it scares me to think that I might have to go through any of that again. But I'm convinced that I should at least go for some testing, and then decide if I want to proceed with whatever treatment they recommend.. I'm most excited about live blood cell analysis. I want to see my cells on a screen. Sounds cool!

I also was presented with my courage award from the Glenrose this week. It was nice to be there and to be up and walking around, able to accept my award on my feet. I got to chat with my old roomie, another courage award recipient about how she's progressing. Now that is a lady that inspires me! She's 70 something and had to start all over again. And she's still working on it. No giving up for that woman. That's for sure. And she's very lovely to talk to. Such a kind and caring person.

I am just constantly reminded of how lucky I am. My biggest fear right now, is that I'll forget it somewhere along the way. Like Sifu Brinker often tells us, the memories will fade and you'll forget. I hope it takes a long time for that to happen.

Busy to Full

This week I've been thinking a lot about perspective. These past couple of months I've found myself a bit overwhelmed by the responsibilities I've taken on. There are a lot of things going on for me right now. I changed my work schedule down to 6 hours a day. I was trying to work a full time schedule and maybe jumped into work with a bit too much gusto. I've had some physical difficulties, outside of the usual ones. I've got a bit of plantar fasciitis in my feet. I've got a possible ulcer in my left eye (and I have to wait until Dec. to find out), and some neck problems.

When I read Ms. Berstreisers post this week, I was thinking about how lucky I am to have the life I do. I don't necessarily have a busy life, I have a full life. I have so many things in my life to be grateful for, although they may at some points cause me to struggle. Those struggles have helped me become who I am, and I feel rich.

I have a job where people try their best to understand my situation. It is casual enough that if I'm feeling really poopy one day, I can just let them know. I have wonderfully supportive family, and friends that help me through these struggles. I have a welcoming home with a great kitty (hopefully another coming soon). I've got a passion that makes me feel fulfilled. I've been fortunate enough to have amazing role models throughout my life that have taught me to take advantage of the opportunities that life provides me with. And I have a wonderful team of like-minded, supportive, empathetic individuals that help me along on my journey and give me the opportunity to help them along on theirs.

Some days I may go to bed and find it difficult to sleep because I've got too much on the mind. But next time, I'll take comfort in the fact that most of the things I struggle with, are things that I choose, because they are important to me. I have a long journey still ahead, and the choices I make today, will affect who I become and I feel like I'm on a good path.

“You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Eating Vegetarian

Before I moved to China, I was a vegetarian. Actually, before I went to China the first time on our "kung fu holiday" I was a vegan. Living in China, I didn't cook my own food, and some things were a little bit shady, and so I decided it was in my best interests to start eating meat. I started out slowly, and ate a couple pieces here and a couple there, until my body could digest it again.

The reason I became a vegetarian in the first place, honestly, had nothing to do with my own mindfulness. Or anything to do with my compassion for animals. Which is still a factor. But mostly, I just did a lot of research and decided that a vegetarian diet was more globally sustainable. And I still feel that way. Right now I'm at odds, because every Auto Immune Protocol style diet is mostly paleo. I always say my diet is a paleo style diet because I don't think I would ever feel comfortable eating completely paleo. It seems selfish to me to eat a diet that is so unsustainable and has such great global impacts. This is where eating mindfully comes in for me. If I know where my food came from. If I know it's from my own garden, and that I've put into it, just as much as it gives back to me, then I feel more connected to the things I'm eating. Just as in there's value for me in putting my time and effort into the kwoon, there's value in putting time and effort into what I eat. Taking ownership for all the the things I put into my body for fuel is an important part of my identity.

I'm excited to try the 30 days vegetarian and see how I feel. My diet is already primarily made up of veggies. Just cut out the meats, and make sure I'm getting enough omega 3 fatty acids. Good for the brain!

I also wanted to share a link with you from the David Suzuki Foundation. You might have already seen it, but it's certainly food for thought.

http://www.davidsuzuki.org/blogs/science-matters/2016/08/how-much-food-can-cities-produce/

My Calendar

I wrote a blog last time about my numbers. Numbers are something I've been struggling with since I came home. So funny, how did I do it in China? It seemed so simple...

Oh wait, I remember. All I did all day was kung fu. It's much easier to achieve your numbers when you're not cooking and doing dishes all the time. When you don't have family commitments. When you don't have a garden to take care of. Reality check.

I don't live in China anymore, with the responsibilities I have now, I just don't have the same time to devote to my training. But this is where I need to start incorporating my training throughout the day. I went back to my old method of recording, and I love it. So simple, but so effective. I've been doing some bike riding. Not for numbers, but because I enjoy it and it is building up my endurance and cardio slowly. I've started teaching Sifu Randy Langner some Chinese calligraphy. I don't know if he realized how detailed it was. Just like training. Every movement has intent. This has also reminded me how much I enjoy the practice, and inspired me to pull out the brushes more often.

It's been a process of trial and error so far this year. I have definitely made progress though. And I don't even mean just since my GBS but also in areas that I struggled with before. I too struggle with consistency, but I think I've found a bit more of a routine for myself. I'm feeling positive about the remainder of the year.

Numbers

So the problem for me with this whole recording numbers business, a lot of the time comes down to literally, just writing them down. Mentally, I'm all for the incremental progression through daily practice. Even if I fall off the wagon once in a while, it's generally easy for me to get going again. I just show up to class, remember how much I love what I'm doing and believe in the program, and then bam! I'm back...

But when it comes down to recording the numbers and keeping track of where I'm at.. I suck. No, that's not true. I've been trying to test out some new ways of doing it. I thought, there's probably a more efficient way of doing this, so I'm going to try... something new. But I've now gone back to my original way. Whether it's more effective or efficient for anyone else is pretty irrelevant. And it might seem silly to do it the way I did, but it was working. I'm all for innovation, but not if it's not effective. So I'm back at it again. Not just the acts, but the numbers too. I try not to lie to myself, and this is just like a giant mirror, showing you the things you didn't accomplish today, and all the things you're excited about working on again tomorrow.