My Final Assessment

I had my neurological reassessment yesterday. Basically, 3 months after discharge, they do full check up to see how your recovery is progressing. It was 4 hours and I met with each of my original therapists from my inpatient stay at the Glenrose. It was kind of cool. I mean some of the people I really didn't need much follow up with, because I already didn't really need much from them on discharge. Other people it was a little different. I definitely have made a lot of progress since I left, and I think it's pretty obvious in most ways, but less obvious in some others.

There was a couple of things that really stuck with me. The first was that I asked the neurologist if there was anything I could do, not necessarily to increase the speed of my recovery, but to increase the odds of me reaching a full recovery. Some people with GBS fully recover, and some people don't, and scientifically, they don't have a lot of reason one way or the other. She basically told me no. But she did say that one of the most important things that I do was to keep working at it. She said a lot of times the people that don't fully recover are the people that stop trying because they reach a level of functionality, and everything past that is too difficult. I took that to heart. I've never been one to give up, but I do struggle with follow through, hence one of the reasons that I've really benefited from the I Ho Chuan.

Another thing that really stuck out to me was the talk that I had with my physio. He basically said no one can tell me whether or not I'm going to get full function back at this point. But he made a pretty funny reference to old kung fu movies. He said "you know how the old guy always beats up the young, fit, cocky, kung fu guy? That's not because he's stronger or fitter. It's because he's had the experience to know how to use his body to his advantage." He also said to me that I basically have an end goal, whatever it may be. There's lots of different paths I can take to get to that same place. Some of them might be more difficult, and I might have to be more a lot more resourceful.

To Change or Not to Change

I have to admit that I am a person that normally thrives on change. I like to go on trips to explore new and exciting things. I've never had the same job for more than 2 years. I consider consistent change to mean consistent growth.

But, since the GBS, I've found the change a lot more frightening. I want to feel more grounded. I put my plans to move out of province on hold. I'm not ready to take that big of a step. I suppose part of the it is that I don't really know when I'll be fully recovered. It can take up to 2 years to get full function back. I've been improving really quickly, but doctors and therapists consistently warn me of the possibility of plateaus in my progress.

My Uncle asked me, during one of our conversations the other day, how I stay positive. All I could say was that I just try to keep my eye on small improvements that I notice daily or weekly and that it really helps keep me motivated. I did my first knee pushup on Wednesday and I went through the house and told everyone. I was really excited. Even though I could only do it once. It didn't matter. I mean, that's one more than I could do a month ago. That means that all of my effort is doing something. The interesting thing about learning to do everything over again is that it gives you an opportunity to really break everything down and learn about how all of the parts of your body work together. I know it seems weird, but in so many ways, this experience has given me so many new opportunities. I've learned a lot. I'm changing on the inside. This has been an opportunity for huge spiritual growth.

Numbers for Feb. 8-14
Pushups (modified) - 480
Situps - 580
Tai Chi - 25
Nunchaku - 28
KMs - 33.86km
AOK - 12
Meditation - 0
Calligraphy - 0

Alabama Reflection

I am a very fortunate person. I could spend a day listing all of the things that I have to be grateful for just in this past year. When I really think about it, I've had so many amazing opportunities, and I've also been lucky in the people I've been able to spend my time with.

We've been talking in the I Ho Chuan meetings a bit about Alabama. I sit and reflect about our trip there all the time. There's something special about a place like that. Sometimes I feel as though  it's there as a constant reminder of how lucky I am. Not only that, but it also reminds me often of how important empathy is, and compassion, and I try to apply those thoughts to the things I do every day.

I met some extraordinary people. I met them and it made me realize that they ARE extraordinary but, not because of a cape that they wear or because they're famous. They're extraordinary because they're just like me in so many ways. Just regular people, working towards their own personal mastery. And that is something that is really amazing to see. That, in itself, is worth the trip. That is the kind of person I'm working to be. And it's incredibly inspiring.

Sihing

Listening to Sifu Hayes talk about the rank of Sihing yesterday, reminded me a lot of my time in China. He reminded me of when I achieved the rank of Sihing and then was kind of left to my own devices. It's interesting how lost you can become when you are used to someone leading you down the path with a harness and then, all of a sudden, even though you've walked the path a thousand times, they take off the harness, and want you to walk the path on your own. Sometimes feeling lost can lead to frustration and anger. Even though it's completely unwarranted. Although I never felt that about my training at Silent River, I had a similar experience.

In China there was a very interesting period near the end of our time there where we were 'set free'. At the time, my classmates and I felt a lot of bitterness about it because we hadn't finished learning the discussed curriculum, and we felt we were kind of being cheated out of our education let's say. Now, I see it was a very crucial part of the training for me, and it was a test from our Master. You see, many of his students had become teachers at his school. I know that part of the scenario sounds familiar. But, I would say 90% of those students had stopped practicing altogether, and had none of their own goals. They taught mostly for the money and, spent a lot of the time when Shifu was not around, sitting and playing on their phones.

This period was a very trying time. Shifu just left us to practice on our own. Without feedback, often it's difficult to feel like you're improving. But, I still pushed myself to go to class everyday. I had faith I suppose. And I knew I already had a million things to work on. I also learned how to motivate myself to practice. This is something that has helped me every day.  I know how important it is to keep working and moving forward. And I know that having that period of time to practice my own self discipline right before I came home, really helped set me up for a positive reintegration back into what  I would call 'normal' life. Where the average person doesn't have 8 hours every day to spend training, but somehow still drives themselves to make constant improvements.

"Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it."
~Lou Holtz

 

Building My Vocabulary

I was having an interesting talk with Sifu R. Langner in class on Friday night this week about the difference in teaching with your words vs. teaching by demonstration. I've always admired the ability of someone that could explain a concept without actually moving. It's almost like poetry to watch someone that has that kind of vocabulary and can explain themselves in that clear and concise of a way. 

I'm generally a kinaesthetic learner. I absorb things much better once I actually do them myself or I can get my hands on them. I can really get the 'feel' of them that way. And as far as Kung fu goes, I'd say the same. I like to watch someone do something, then I like to practice it a dozen or so times myself, before I feel I can be left to my own devices. But to have someone only explain something to me, sometimes can be confusing. Words can be difficult to interpret the meaning of depending on who's delivering them. 

I've never felt as an instructor, confident in my abilities to clearly explain things so that a student wouldn't need to interpret what I was saying. I've realized that this is one of the reasons that developing my vocabulary is so important to my personal growth. I've been thinking a lot lately about the value of journaling my journey. I'm really excited to look back in one year from now to see the progress I've made in this aspect. 

Meditation

Meditation has always been a struggle for me, and I imagine in some ways I will continue to struggle with it. But lately, I've been so lucky to have been having wonderful meditation sessions.

In China, we were never given the option of whether or not we should meditate. It was part of our program, and if you weren't there, it was considered an unexcused absence. We never really worked our way into it, we were just taught how to "sit" told to focus on our breath, and basically were forced to do it for an hour straight off the bat. Which for some was totally fine. Probably exactly what they needed. But I always struggled through it. Even in the end when I was sitting for an hour voluntarily, I was never really getting any pleasure out of it. I did it, because I knew somewhere in my mind it was good for me.

So I've always wondered, how does one become good at meditation? How can you qualify good vs. poor meditation? Should I be focused so much on how long I'm sitting? How can I improve the quality of my meditation minutes?

The funny thing is, I have no answers to these questions I've pondered for so many years. I've painfully sat through countless meditation sessions wondering how my peers were improving so much more than me.

So here's my post GBS breakthrough. My mind is quieter, I worry less. I sit, and I'm less comfortable, but I just don't care. I take pleasure in just sitting quietly and breathing. I don't set a time limit. I do it. And it feels really grounding. It feels good to feel the muscles in my back that are tired and sore. I breathe into them and they relax. And I relax. And I feel like my day was a good one. Even sometimes when it wasn't. It's so much easier to let my mind go and just breathe.

Sheep

We talked at the meeting about reflecting back on the I Ho Chuan year and thinking about all the changes we've made and about the positive effect the I Ho Chuan has had on us. It's hard for me to reflect back on this year without ending up in tears.

I hit this amazing peak. I got my black belt, finally. After all this time. I went to Alabama and I met so many amazing people, and I did so much good work that I truly felt fantastic about. We had the pandamonium- my first - that I had so much fun at. And then pretty shortly after that, I was hospitalized with GBS. There is nothing so vulnerable as being completely paralyzed and being unable to speak.

I cried so many times when people talked about Kung fu and my time in China. So many times I questioned, why did I go through all of that, just so I could end up here? It seems so unfair that after spending 5 years in China, cultivating my health, I should be the one to end up in a hospital bed. Over and over again, my friends and family told me, that I probably would recover really quickly because I was already in such good shape. Or how my training prepared me mentally to handle the pain. Or how maybe my practice helped me to cultivate patience and understanding. 

It's hard to look at positive things that come from this type of experience. It's so difficult not to dwell in the suffering. It's so frustrating to start again with so many things. The hardest thing is being patient with myself. But here I am still at it. And why? Because I've never been satisfied with mediocrity. If there's one thing I've learned from the I Ho Chuan, it's that every day is a new day to strive towards mastery. I really can look at that from a new perspective this year.