Answering Questions

I think as an instructor, it's really important to have a student challenge you. I mean, it feels great sometimes to have someone that just follows you without question, assumes that you're doing things correctly and with reason, and also thinks that you're the bees knees. 

The problem is, that's not a particularly great learning environment for your student or yourself. I'm not talking about someone whose ego gets in the way of their listening and learning. I'm talking about a student that asks difficult questions. Someone that is clearly very mentally engaged in their training and likes to get into the nitty gritty of all things kung fu. 

These relationships are integral for my students, and encourages me to learn and grow as an instructor. Therefore, I become a better teacher and listener. They also serve up some humble pie once in a while, when a question is asked that I realize, I don't know the answer to or have never really thought about. There are many questions I can answer with some listening, watching and attention to detail. But there are those that make you question your knowledge and understanding. And although most of the time I discover that I DO know the answers, it's again, refreshing to have to regroup and re-evaluate. 

I think it's also important to sometimes say things like, "I don't know" and "let me think about that". It can be difficult to maintain confidence while telling your student you don't know something. But, this makes it clear that I'm not just carelessly answering questions to feel important. I am deeply involved in their learning and it's important to me. 

Who Are YOU on the Internet?

It's interesting trying to think about how to market oneself. What's they "right way"? Does a person want to attract students based on the persona that they put out as a martial arts teacher? Or a Daoist? Or does a teacher try to market the "real" self with a few edits? How many edits are too many? 

I think this question is what has made it difficult for me to continue blogging. What unrealistic expectations does this create in the student and master relationship?

When I'm part of a team, I feel like I'm representing all the black belts that I share my training space with. And that, I feel, definitely needs some edits. I am far from perfect. But yet, I love reading the real struggles and thoughts of people that are willing to step up and present themselves honestly. I find this to be far more inspiring that this strange caricature of what we're all aiming for. 

I have never been a huge fan of team sports. And as I am no longer a "team" member in the literal sense of the word, I think I'm going to go the route of honesty. I think I will respect myself more if I can represent myself accurately. I mean, I truly think that the best way to move forward is to look at yourself honestly, acknowledge flaws and faults, and figure out ways to grow beyond them. If I'm not sharing openly my struggles, then I believe anyone who actually takes the time to read this, won't truly understand what they would get from me as a teacher. Or as a student. Or as a friend. And this is important to me. 

Sister Love

I spent the last 10 days visiting with my sister and brother-in-law in Penticton. This was an exciting trip as they've recently moved from Houston to Penticton. I remember saying to Dan about one year ago how much I love my life and how happy I was and the only thing that could make it better is if Brandi moved closer. I got my wish.

It was amazing how quickly we got into a rhythm. Firstly, travelling with a baby, any major changes can be pretty stressful so in that sense, it was not the most relaxing trip I've ever taken. On the other hand however, we spent evenings practing Tai Ji 108 together and stretching and it felt great to go to bed with the relaxed post Tai Ji/Stretching sleepies. We walked a lot on a daily basis, and being as Simon and Brandi are vegan, ate pretty healthy the whole time we were there. I also got to take a look at their plans for their curriculum and bounce some ideas around with them. 

It's so easy to get caught up in day to day life with a baby and a home to maintain. I'm happy I could take this trip to remind myself that I can incorporate more and more practice into my life, even if it's only stretching before bed and brainstorming ideas. 

Morning Routine

I have been reflecting on my goals for this year recently. As I mentioned, I am behind with my goals setting. Not in deciding what the goals are, but in my plans to actually achieve them. I'm quite aware that a goal without a plan is just a dream. Physically I have some catching up to do. I've lost a fair amount of strength and movement in certain ways since becoming pregnant and having Claire. Although I've allowed myself a certain leeway here, it's about time for me to step up my game.

The problem lies in the execution. I'm already over tired a lot of the time, and hate to lose any sleep, but I feel that the morning, before Claire is awake, would be the best time for me to get practice in. I mean sure, she goes to bed at 730. But, by the time the evening happens, the kitchen is a mess from cooking throughout the day and there's usually a significant amount of baby cleanup. So I'm going to start setting an alarm (up to this point, I allowed Claire to be my alarm). Drag myself out of bed in the morning, and make some of my dreams into goals again. I know how beneficial a morning routine can be, and so I need to work on my follow through in this aspect.

Past the Black Belt

The New Year brings many new changes into our lives.

Yesterday, my husband was promoted to black belt at Silent River Kung Fu. An incredible and momentous occasion, made better by the friends and family we shared it with. I remember receiving my own black belt 5 years ago and the changes it brought to me, and I hope it brings great things for him as well.

In China, we trained without belts and without rank besides that of who your kung fu 'uncle or aunt', 'grandfather', and older 'sibling' might be. That's the great thing about something like getting your black belt. It's not necessarily the completion of something, but rather the end of using your rank to drive you. Instead you are forced to look for other motivation to better yourself. You can start looking deeper at what you're doing and why. Find out what things are serving your training and start to implement your own program. This is where I really started to become a martial artist.

For years in China we were driven to train. It was mandatory attendance and the practice was dictated completely. This is what you do. Do it now, and don't ask questions. Then, in our last year, all the rules were taken away. You don't have to go to class anymore. You don't have to practice anything in particular, and if you want to improve, figure it out on your own.

Unfortunately, this is usually where people lose their way. Someone that is dependent on structure and outside leadership, is suddenly floundering, unsure of their direction. But this is the opportunity you are given so that you can learn who you are and what you want to be. A fellow black belt said a couple of weeks ago, "you need have someone to compete with and compare yourself to in order to become better, but that person should be you." Perfectly eloquent.

The New Lunar Year

I have made much progress in some areas this year. There are also many areas that I let slide. This was my experiment with not being on the team, and actually, I feel okay with how the year's gone. Don't get me wrong, I haven't blogged since July, which in itself says a lot. But Sifu Brinker giving me the opportunity to be a mentor for the I Ho Chuan class has really done a lot for me mentally and helped keep me motivated and engaged. 

There were a few things that changed since I set out this lunar year. I happily, have been teaching a private student. Coming up with my own class plans has given me a lot of confidence in certain areas of my teaching. There have also been many struggles. Such as, having a private class, leaves me as his only partner for any type of partner work. This can be difficult, but so far we've made it work.

I am also almost 25 weeks pregnant as many of you know. This has definitely made it difficult to keep myself motivated and training. I have this somewhat irrational fear that has kept me pushing forward. I've worked so hard to get to where I am in my training, I really don't want to give all of that up for parenthood. There needs to be balance, and that's what I've been focusing on and trying to plan for. 

This next year, I won't be able to be part of the team, as Dan and I can't necessarily be training at the same place at the same time. And that's okay. I just need to continue to set goals for myself to work towards, and remember to keep myself  high on the priority list. Kung fu is something that I have been practicing for more of my life than not, and it's something that I'm going to need to keep myself physically, mentally, and spiritually engaged and living in the moment. 

Real Experience

I've been listening to a fantastic audio book lately. Not one that I would necessarily recommend to all ages, due to it's controversial content. There's the disclaimer. It's called "How to Change Your Mind" by Michael Pollan. I've been a fan of his writing for many years. He has many books I've read that I found particularly fascinating.

I'm not going to go into great detail on what the book is about. The part that has really stuck with me so far is about our perception. When we're children, all of our experiences are fresh and new and so our brains absorb the new information and grows. As we age, our brains begin to fill in information for us based on past experiences. It's quicker and easier and therefore more efficient for our brains to process experiences this way. But, because the brain is filling in this information, one no longer has true experience.

Based on the past, the brain predicts what an experience will be like. So the way we perceive things to be, is somewhat tainted. Even our perception of time can be changed and morphed into something completely subjective. Although time is relative anyways. The whole point here is that as you get older, it gets harder to change the way you think. In order to remain truly open minded, it's very important to step completely out of the day to day grind, and let oneself experience something that was never thought possible.

In our training, it's the same. The farther we progress in our training and the more we practice something, it becomes much more difficult to change how it is executed and how we approach our practice. It's very important to step outside of our comfort zones, let go of our egos, and try something new. This is how we continue to progress.

Growth

We all have moments in our lives that define us. They are the things that we look back and we think, wow, that helped make me the person I am today..

When I had one of my birthdays in China, I remember I decided, hey, I'm going to climb Mount Wudang for my birthday. I was turning 29, and it was going to be my last year there. I figured, what the heck?

I didn't take days off of training. On Wednesday, I went for our usual half day of performances where we showed Sifu whatever we've been working on. After performance, I packed my stuff up and I left. I hiked over night and I arrived for the sunrise at roughly 445am. I saw the milky way. I realized how easy it would be to just walk off of a cliff and I saw many people doing their pilgrimages up the mountain in the middle of the night. I was so sweaty, and I froze my butt off because on the top of the mountain in the sunrise, it's cold. The temperature always drops right after the sun comes up, and out comes the gusts of wind. I went for breakfast and then slowly, made my way back to the school. I decided to take the bus back, because I had class the following day.

I was reminded of this moment today. Sometimes experiences are inspired by others, and you just get to tag along. But the times where you inspire yourself, are always the most memorable. I had no one to share this memory with, but it remains fresh in my mind as a certain accomplishment that was inspired by me, and experienced by me alone.

There is power in learning to push and transform yourself.

Everything is Medicine

I've been reading a book recently about Shamanic traditional healing practices from the Amazon jungle. It's fascinating, and makes me question a lot of the things I think I know. My favourite kind of book. Today I read something that really meant something to me. I had an epiphany.

He said everything is medicine. And he didn't mean food or plants that can be used as natural medicine. He meant every illness is medicine. Every time your body tells you something is wrong, is a form of medicine. The things that you learn about yourself, and the strength you find within can be the most powerful kind of medicine you can get. I have had many injuries throughout my kung fu training. I was reflecting on every injury I had in China. I learned how to train with a pulled hamstring, how to stretch through scar tissue afterwards, and what kind of massage and other treatments I needed to heal.

He suggested there were two ways to deal with this kind of medicine. Fight it and fear it, or embrace it and learn from it. I realized I have almost mixed these two approaches together when I think about my experience with GBS. I try to embrace it and I have definitely learned a lot from the experience. But I am also so afraid. Afraid I'll get it again. Afraid this means I'm susceptible to other auto-immune diseases. Afraid that I won't be able to live the full life I want.

Most of the time I'm so proud of myself. I'm still amazed at my own strength and how much I've recovered sometimes. I worked hard, and I pushed my limits constantly. But there's this fear buried in there that catches me off guard sometimes. I am paranoid anytime I feel sick that something's coming. There's some big sickness looming over me, and I'm not done yet. I know the more I think like this, the more likely it is to come to fruition. So I guess I haven't accepted the medicine I've been given, yet.

Happy Canada Day

I feel like I accomplish so much more during a long weekend than I do on any regular weekend. I wonder if that's just perception. I mean obviously, I have a whole extra day. But I seem to find that I squeeze in much more during the regular two days than I usually do. Again, is that possibly just perception?

It's interesting how dynamic time can be. It can move incredibly fast when I'm immersed in a task, especially one with a deadline. But in moments, time can slow down to a crawl and it seems I have all the time in the world, although I find these moments few and far between. Reading Sharida's blog, I've really been trying to take an extra 5 minutes for myself to bask in the glory of living life. I've had some really great moments this weekend.

It's very easy to get carried away by the momentum of life and of stress and business. I was fortunate enough this weekend to have the time to enjoy the tasks I had to do, make choices as to the priority of each of the things, and make tangible progress towards completing them. Plus, I got some quality dog time, which was therapy all in itself..

Suspicious

The last month and a half has been very frustrating, stressful, and mostly depressing. Don't get me wrong. There are certainly these amazing moments, and some fantastic opportunities, and I appreciate these things more than ever. Maybe that's one of the benefits of bad situations.

I could list all of the things gone wrong.. Dan's job, the motorcycle accident, being rear-ended, having my identity stolen. These things individually could be a cause for stress, but it seems like everything has happened all at once. I have spent incredible amounts of time on the phone, on the internet, filling out paperwork, and in various locations dealing with all this stuff. I'm so busy at work I'm having a hard time completing the day's tasks, but I'm also distracted and less efficient.

This weekend I went into a TD branch to discuss some fraudulent account under my name. I was listening to myself explain it to the teller, and then the manager, and I honestly just had to laugh. These are situations that happen in the movies, not in real life, and not to someone that has as financially boring a life as I do.

It's unfortunate that these experiences leave me less trusting, and more suspicious of people and their motives.  It is fortunate however, that I have so many people in my life that I do trust.

A Breath

I am, and probably will continue to be, someone that has a lot on my plate. I enjoy being social. I enjoy accomplishing things in my spare time. I just don't enjoy when I unintentionally over-commit myself. I don't like being late, or not being somewhere when I say I'm going to be. 

Kung fu is one of those things that I've always managed to make time for. Even if it's just a little bit here and there. Or some mental brainstorming and processing of some concept we've been working on. It's always been there. Sneaking it's way into things. Which is one of the ways that I continue to feel engaged even when my life gets crazy. 

Though life has been hectic the last few weeks, I've made a lot of progress mentally. I don't feel like I get so easily overwhelmed, but at the same time, it builds up slowly, so I often don't notice it. It becomes like some kind of fervor. I just start getting more and more frantic, so that by the time I realize where I'm at mentally, it's gone too far.

I have realized that some of the things that are going on, were starting to weigh on me. I was letting myself get too caught up in that sense of urgency. None of the things are urgent. None of them are going to be easy, but if I just keep making small progress forward. I will figure these things out.

Re-perspectivized (yep I made that up)

These past few weeks have been difficult on me mentally and emotionally. After Dan's motorcycle accident, we were left with a lot of headaches in regards to the insurance company. The other party denying fault, whether or not it makes sense to fix the bike that they wrote off, or whether we should take the money and walk away. When will we get the police report? We've been left in a sort of limbo.

Then, last Saturday, I got a call from a collections agency regarding a credit card that I don't actually have. I confirmed with BMO that indeed, this is a legitimate call, but then am left with hours of time on the phone, filling out papers, filing a police report etc., attempting to prove that I am really me, and that no I have never had that credit card. I have been left feeling victimized, concerned, and all around pretty vulnerable.

Thankfully, we had Pandamonium this weekend. This was a great way to bring me back to the moment, to engage with some very important causes, and participate in an event that really speaks to me. Also, I spent the day surrounded by friends and like-minded individuals, who constantly leave me feeling inspired and fulfilled. I am so grateful to be a part of Silent River Kung Fu.

On the Outside

Not being in the I Ho Chuan gives me a different perspective on our school's charity fundraiser, Pandamonium. It's interesting that, as a team member, there's so much planning and organizing that goes into the event. It becomes difficult to comprehend how the rest of the kwoon isn't as excited as you are about it.

It's different as a student not involved in the I Ho Chuan. Interestingly, I even have a secret spy in their midst, but I still feel much more disconnected from the event than I have in the past. As a student I see how someone else who's never been behind the scenes at this event might perceive what's going on vs. a member of the team.

It's harder to engage and takes more personal effort to be inspired by the mission than when you're on the team always talking about it. It made me realize, how important it is to engage students throughout the year. Not that this is the first time I've had this realization... You have to have the conversation over and over and over again about how important these core values are. This is what represents our school, not our kicks and punches, but how we conduct ourselves in the community and the world outside of the walls of our school. But it's also too easy to wait for others to make the real difference. I am trying to remind myself that many small actions, can make a big change.

Ego

 At the beginning of class, we have our bowing in ceremony where I try to focus on what's to come and prepare myself physically and mentally for learning. Or at least that's what I thought I was doing. But we had a discussion at the end of class on Thursday that made me realize that perhaps my cup isn't as empty as I thought.

One of the purposes of the bowing in ceremony is to figuratively "empty your cup"; A ceremony to pay respects, remove your ego, and start with a fresh perspective ready for learning. Something to remind us of our humility. Ideally, as a black belt, you are able to take a completely new concept, and apply it because of your understanding of the six harmonies. But many times, our ego prevents us from letting go of what we know, and hampers our efforts to learn. In order to achieve a real connection with your instructor however, this is a hugely important step.

So, it was a wake up call. I have some work to do. Which I already know, but it gives me a great direction to go in and gives me a renewed purpose. To cultivate that level of learning and understanding.

Lethargy of Sitting

I have a pretty sedentary job. Not that this is odd in today's world but, it's one of the things that I don't enjoy about it. I have a sit/stand desk which helps, and part of my job also involves interacting with my coworkers, so I'm walking around the office.

I've just noticed that the less I move around, the less I want to move. The more lethargic I feel, and it really affects my whole day. If I'm stuck at my desk all day, it has a tendency to carry over into my after work hours. I get home and I just want to sit on the couch like a potato. I can see how many people get sucked into this cycle of sit all day, sit all night. I have become more and more aware of this since I was promoted. I used to be in and out of the office/shop all day, running around and picking things up. Now I'm almost always doing paperwork. Ugh. The downside of hazardous materials removal, is that it requires a lot of legal paperwork.

So I've started to pay more attention to my fitbit. I already used it as a gauge to how active I was, but now I'm listening to it when it tells me I need to get up and move. Even if I just get up a do a few stretches, it invigorates me, and keeps me active. The only downside is that I'm also taking a business related course, and that too, requires a lot of sitting and note taking. School 1 - Mel 0.

Curriculum

One of the most difficult parts of planning our own school is deciding what to incorporate in our curriculum. There are so many valuable tools that I have learned here, and in China, and sometimes I struggle to see how the two will mesh together. I want to continue with my Kempo training. We practice much more application, sparring and shield work skills here than we did in China. But at the same time, a large portion of my practice there was what we call "internal". We practiced Tai Ji and Qi Gong every day, and built a great foundation for our internal alchemy. Not that this practice doesn't exist here, but it is not our main focus, at least generally, not until we reach a much higher level. 

Somehow, I like to envision a curriculum that incorporates both as major components to our training. I personally have felt the benefits of a daily practice that incorporates the internal and the external, hard and soft, slow and fast. And I'm certain that it can be achieved, it's really how to create the right culture in the school to nurture both these practices. Which I feel like Silent River has done in a way, but the question is how? How do you teach the student that is interested in studying meditation and qi gong, the value of something like sparring? And how does one teach the student most interested in practicing applications and techniques, the value of Tai Ji and meditation? 

In my daily gratitude journal, almost every day, I am thankful for the mentors I have, and the community I am a part of. I hope to be able to continue to communicate these values to the next generation of martial artists. 

Connections

I met up with an old friend I haven't spoken to in ten years this Saturday.  It's interesting connecting with someone that you haven't seen in so long. We grew up together from 7 to just after high school graduation. We lost touch, met up in China briefly, and that was the last time we spoke.

The most prominent thing that I recognized is that even though we are in very different places in our lives, there are many common themes.

A frustration with our inability to communicate effectively in our relationships.  And the fact that you get very little guidance in that capacity in school and as a youth.

Recognition that we are among many that we so often don't understand.  Our perspective on things of value is different than others we meet. I'm lucky in that I've surrounded myself with like-minded people at kung fu.

The knowledge that our grandparents are old enough that that are starting to require care and, that someday, it will be our parents, and then us in the distant future.  It's amazing how reminders of our mortality continually worm their way into our lives.

But among all those heavy topics, we managed to still laugh and share. Maybe we're not off to such a bad start after all. And I am thankful that during many of my formative years, I had friends like him to learn from.

Sparring

Sparring is something I've always loved. Not that I've ever enjoyed getting punched in the eye or nose or anywhere for that matter. But I love the thrill of it and trying to implement new techniques or styles.

When we were training in China, sparring was something that I dreaded. We didn't practice with control, and we had very little guidance. Most of our sparring was matches with opponents chosen for size, and the directions to punch each other as hard as we could. Further on, when we added kicking, there was somewhat more instruction, but still, for an unseasoned student, it was frightening. Yes, there were injuries, but fortunately, nothing that didn't heal.

Something I realized while sparring with a group on Saturday was how much I learned from those experiences. One, I learned that an insane Chinese kid isn't going to stop trying to punch you as hard as he can in the face, unless you punch him as hard as you can. Two, I learned that it's hard to let go of your control when you're not in a life or death situation. Three, I learned some things about technique, due to injuries from poor form.

But one of the things I definitely learned, that has made me a lot more confident in my sparring, is that put a pair of gloves on, and you can take a lot more than you expect. It's amazing to spar with people you trust. Mistakes can be made, but you know that everyone is doing their best to save you from injury. You can laugh with someone after a good punch in the eye, when there is no ego in the match, you're both just practicing.

I was reminded of the amazing culture of the students at Silent River, and how lucky I am to be a part of it. Thanks for all the rounds!

Step 2

This week the lion dance seminar started. It was very difficult for me not to take part in it. I was proud of myself though. That might seem weird.

I had decided previously that I was going to take part in the seminar, and over time, I started to question whether it was a great idea or not. I've been feeling a little overwhelmed recently, and I am trying to recognize when I start to feel that way.

I am one of those people that tends to over commit and burn out. I still don't have the same amount of energy I had before GBS, but I think I manage my energy pretty well. I have been starting out most of my days with a little meditation or qi gong to get myself off on the right foot.

Trying to take some courses and work full time is tougher than I expected, and so I'm trying to continue forward, and not let my school progress stagnate. It's interesting taking an online course. It challenges me and my tendency to procrastinate.

All in all, things are positive. I recognized the symptoms of negativity and made decisions preemptively to counteract it. Definitely another step in the right direction.