Real Experience

I've been listening to a fantastic audio book lately. Not one that I would necessarily recommend to all ages, due to it's controversial content. There's the disclaimer. It's called "How to Change Your Mind" by Michael Pollan. I've been a fan of his writing for many years. He has many books I've read that I found particularly fascinating.

I'm not going to go into great detail on what the book is about. The part that has really stuck with me so far is about our perception. When we're children, all of our experiences are fresh and new and so our brains absorb the new information and grows. As we age, our brains begin to fill in information for us based on past experiences. It's quicker and easier and therefore more efficient for our brains to process experiences this way. But, because the brain is filling in this information, one no longer has true experience.

Based on the past, the brain predicts what an experience will be like. So the way we perceive things to be, is somewhat tainted. Even our perception of time can be changed and morphed into something completely subjective. Although time is relative anyways. The whole point here is that as you get older, it gets harder to change the way you think. In order to remain truly open minded, it's very important to step completely out of the day to day grind, and let oneself experience something that was never thought possible.

In our training, it's the same. The farther we progress in our training and the more we practice something, it becomes much more difficult to change how it is executed and how we approach our practice. It's very important to step outside of our comfort zones, let go of our egos, and try something new. This is how we continue to progress.

Growth

We all have moments in our lives that define us. They are the things that we look back and we think, wow, that helped make me the person I am today..

When I had one of my birthdays in China, I remember I decided, hey, I'm going to climb Mount Wudang for my birthday. I was turning 29, and it was going to be my last year there. I figured, what the heck?

I didn't take days off of training. On Wednesday, I went for our usual half day of performances where we showed Sifu whatever we've been working on. After performance, I packed my stuff up and I left. I hiked over night and I arrived for the sunrise at roughly 445am. I saw the milky way. I realized how easy it would be to just walk off of a cliff and I saw many people doing their pilgrimages up the mountain in the middle of the night. I was so sweaty, and I froze my butt off because on the top of the mountain in the sunrise, it's cold. The temperature always drops right after the sun comes up, and out comes the gusts of wind. I went for breakfast and then slowly, made my way back to the school. I decided to take the bus back, because I had class the following day.

I was reminded of this moment today. Sometimes experiences are inspired by others, and you just get to tag along. But the times where you inspire yourself, are always the most memorable. I had no one to share this memory with, but it remains fresh in my mind as a certain accomplishment that was inspired by me, and experienced by me alone.

There is power in learning to push and transform yourself.

Everything is Medicine

I've been reading a book recently about Shamanic traditional healing practices from the Amazon jungle. It's fascinating, and makes me question a lot of the things I think I know. My favourite kind of book. Today I read something that really meant something to me. I had an epiphany.

He said everything is medicine. And he didn't mean food or plants that can be used as natural medicine. He meant every illness is medicine. Every time your body tells you something is wrong, is a form of medicine. The things that you learn about yourself, and the strength you find within can be the most powerful kind of medicine you can get. I have had many injuries throughout my kung fu training. I was reflecting on every injury I had in China. I learned how to train with a pulled hamstring, how to stretch through scar tissue afterwards, and what kind of massage and other treatments I needed to heal.

He suggested there were two ways to deal with this kind of medicine. Fight it and fear it, or embrace it and learn from it. I realized I have almost mixed these two approaches together when I think about my experience with GBS. I try to embrace it and I have definitely learned a lot from the experience. But I am also so afraid. Afraid I'll get it again. Afraid this means I'm susceptible to other auto-immune diseases. Afraid that I won't be able to live the full life I want.

Most of the time I'm so proud of myself. I'm still amazed at my own strength and how much I've recovered sometimes. I worked hard, and I pushed my limits constantly. But there's this fear buried in there that catches me off guard sometimes. I am paranoid anytime I feel sick that something's coming. There's some big sickness looming over me, and I'm not done yet. I know the more I think like this, the more likely it is to come to fruition. So I guess I haven't accepted the medicine I've been given, yet.

Happy Canada Day

I feel like I accomplish so much more during a long weekend than I do on any regular weekend. I wonder if that's just perception. I mean obviously, I have a whole extra day. But I seem to find that I squeeze in much more during the regular two days than I usually do. Again, is that possibly just perception?

It's interesting how dynamic time can be. It can move incredibly fast when I'm immersed in a task, especially one with a deadline. But in moments, time can slow down to a crawl and it seems I have all the time in the world, although I find these moments few and far between. Reading Sharida's blog, I've really been trying to take an extra 5 minutes for myself to bask in the glory of living life. I've had some really great moments this weekend.

It's very easy to get carried away by the momentum of life and of stress and business. I was fortunate enough this weekend to have the time to enjoy the tasks I had to do, make choices as to the priority of each of the things, and make tangible progress towards completing them. Plus, I got some quality dog time, which was therapy all in itself..

Suspicious

The last month and a half has been very frustrating, stressful, and mostly depressing. Don't get me wrong. There are certainly these amazing moments, and some fantastic opportunities, and I appreciate these things more than ever. Maybe that's one of the benefits of bad situations.

I could list all of the things gone wrong.. Dan's job, the motorcycle accident, being rear-ended, having my identity stolen. These things individually could be a cause for stress, but it seems like everything has happened all at once. I have spent incredible amounts of time on the phone, on the internet, filling out paperwork, and in various locations dealing with all this stuff. I'm so busy at work I'm having a hard time completing the day's tasks, but I'm also distracted and less efficient.

This weekend I went into a TD branch to discuss some fraudulent account under my name. I was listening to myself explain it to the teller, and then the manager, and I honestly just had to laugh. These are situations that happen in the movies, not in real life, and not to someone that has as financially boring a life as I do.

It's unfortunate that these experiences leave me less trusting, and more suspicious of people and their motives.  It is fortunate however, that I have so many people in my life that I do trust.

A Breath

I am, and probably will continue to be, someone that has a lot on my plate. I enjoy being social. I enjoy accomplishing things in my spare time. I just don't enjoy when I unintentionally over-commit myself. I don't like being late, or not being somewhere when I say I'm going to be. 

Kung fu is one of those things that I've always managed to make time for. Even if it's just a little bit here and there. Or some mental brainstorming and processing of some concept we've been working on. It's always been there. Sneaking it's way into things. Which is one of the ways that I continue to feel engaged even when my life gets crazy. 

Though life has been hectic the last few weeks, I've made a lot of progress mentally. I don't feel like I get so easily overwhelmed, but at the same time, it builds up slowly, so I often don't notice it. It becomes like some kind of fervor. I just start getting more and more frantic, so that by the time I realize where I'm at mentally, it's gone too far.

I have realized that some of the things that are going on, were starting to weigh on me. I was letting myself get too caught up in that sense of urgency. None of the things are urgent. None of them are going to be easy, but if I just keep making small progress forward. I will figure these things out.

Re-perspectivized (yep I made that up)

These past few weeks have been difficult on me mentally and emotionally. After Dan's motorcycle accident, we were left with a lot of headaches in regards to the insurance company. The other party denying fault, whether or not it makes sense to fix the bike that they wrote off, or whether we should take the money and walk away. When will we get the police report? We've been left in a sort of limbo.

Then, last Saturday, I got a call from a collections agency regarding a credit card that I don't actually have. I confirmed with BMO that indeed, this is a legitimate call, but then am left with hours of time on the phone, filling out papers, filing a police report etc., attempting to prove that I am really me, and that no I have never had that credit card. I have been left feeling victimized, concerned, and all around pretty vulnerable.

Thankfully, we had Pandamonium this weekend. This was a great way to bring me back to the moment, to engage with some very important causes, and participate in an event that really speaks to me. Also, I spent the day surrounded by friends and like-minded individuals, who constantly leave me feeling inspired and fulfilled. I am so grateful to be a part of Silent River Kung Fu.