Daring Greatly

     "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."
   ~Theodore Roosevelt

I had never heard this quote, until I watched a lecture on TED talks. Something the speaker said really made me think about the way I think about myself, and to myself. She said, "It's seductive to stand outside the arena and think to myself I'm gonna go in there and kick some ass, when I'm bullet proof, and when I'm perfect. But the truth is, that never happens."

I was thinking about how this applies to my training. How could I ever improve, if I never tried because I was afraid of failure. I think about some of the people I know from home, and also some of the people I've met here, and how much they hold themselves back because they're afraid. And also how often I've held myself back for the same reasons. It was a great talk, I'm posting the link.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

Euphoric Exhuastion

This has been a pretty tough week for me. You know when you get that feeling after training to your maximum, where you're completely exhausted, but once it's over you can swear you feel amazing. I'm sure there are people out there that have never experience this, but to them, all I can say is that you don't know what you're missing. I've realized since being here how far I can push myself. There's sometimes I'm sure I couldn't do another thing, and then Shifu shows up and he's like practice this form 10 times and I swear I'm gonna die. But  I don't. Thankfully.

There's something to be said for being too tired to even think about stuff. I'm a thinker, you know my brain's constantly running through ideas of some kind, and I generally struggle to turn that part of me off. But not today. Today I can just bask in the glory of complete and utter collapse. This post might have a few run-on sentences, but try to give me a break. I'm beat.

A Summary

It's been ages since my last post, and as I was explaining to my mom this morning, once I miss this much time it's so hard to start writing again because it seems like so much and so little has happened all at the same time. So I decided to write a few notes on the things I've been doing or feeling etc.

I turned 28. That number sounds crazy to me, because I still feel like I'm 20 years old. I spent the night in a hotel on the mountain and got up at 3am to start walking up the mountain to be there in time for sunrise. I am usually up for the sunrise here anyways. but being as we're in the mountains I don't generally get to see much. It was an amazing experience, although I don't think I've ever been so cold and so sweaty all at the same time.

We're almost finished learning the dadao form, which is crazy because that pretty much completes the list of forms outside of the internal qi gongs. I don't know what's coming next which makes me apprehensive and excited at the same time.

I touched my head to my foot for the first time this week. I had an interesting realization in regards to my stretching since I've been back from break. I didn't know before how hard I should or could be stretching. It's a balance between pushing yourself and hurting yourself. I now know that my threshold is much farther than I thought and my stretching has really been dramatically improving for the first time in 3 years. No one could have told this to me, it was something I had to work out for myself.

On a totally non-kungfu related note. I started taking kind of 'hip-hop' dancing lessons from another student here. It's been really fun. Looking forward to learning some more moves today.

Ankle Injury #4

This Monday I twisted my ankle again. Since I sprained it the first time December 2011, this has been a recurring injury for me. I know that anyone who dedicates themselves to some kind of physical activity is familiar with this kind of setback. It's really difficult to not let oneself become discouraged.

In the time that I've been practicing here I've really developed a deeper sense of my physical body. I've noticed this in many of my classmates as well. There's a distinct fascination of the inner workings of our bodies. I have a cousin who works as a physiotherapist and it seems like every time I go home I just have a million more questions for her. You know, "I keep injuring myself here, but I feel like it's because I'm stiff there. Does that make any sense?" Or another good one is, "I can't move my *insert body part* fully in this direction, what stretches can I do?"

I feel like there's an endless amount of discoveries to be made. Which I guess is one of the reasons I've made the decision to really pursue training full time. These are the kinds of developments that keep my training interesting. Let's all be honest, doing kicks, the same kicks, in the same order, at the same time, 5.5 days a week, can definitely become tedious. But making these new discoveries about my body, or having strange epiphanies about stretching, or about my forms, makes each day a new adventure. These are the things I try to remember when I wake up each day to keep myself motivated.

If someone were to record my life for a week, it would outwardly appear that I live a life of boring routine. Get up, eat meals, go to classes, meditate and go to sleep, at the same time. But it's those moments of self discovery, that keep me inspired.

Tai Ji

So today we finished Tai Ji 13, which completes our learning of Wudang Tai Ji. After we finished learning and working on the new movements, our Shifu called us together for him to expound some of his wisdom to us.

We talk alot about cultivating our health here, for most people it's their sole reason for travelling to this school. Over the years we've had numerous lectures about our immune systems and organ funciton. In TCM weaknesses in your immune system comes back to your organ function. Master Yuan believes strongly that your emotions affect your organs greatly. For example, someone who has problems with anger, might also have weakness in their liver. This is a simplified description so I can get to my point a little quicker.

He talked about what he calls 'playing with your emotions' while practicing Tai Ji. So instead of focusing on the external details while training Tai ji (posture, breathing etc.), we practiced Tai Ji while he walked around a watched us, told us to 'play' and smile a little bit. It sounds strange, but after practicing like this, I really felt different. I felt lighter and more energetic.

He told us to imagine incense in our dantian. The smoke dissipates like your emotions, but inside there's still a fire. He expressed after every time you practice Tai Ji, you should feel like a new person. Every morning when you wake up and practice Tai Ji, let go of everything inside. Those things aren't you anymore because today when you approach the world, you're embarking on it as a new person.

On A Different Path

I've shared this experience with many of my classmates over the past few years. You have this one month a year where you get to go home, and during this time, you make an effort to see all your family and old friends. There's a certain something that you really want to hold onto, even with friends you never hear from for an entire year. Now the strangest thing about this desire to see these people is that it seems to affirm every time more and more how much you're on different paths.

So many of my friends are getting married, having kids, advancing in their careers. Not everyone of course. It seems like so often when my friends ask that typical question of something along the lines of say "what's the training like there?" I give the same easy answer over and over because I don't really know how to express what it's like. I can tell everyone what my schedule is like repeatedly, and I can talk about the food, or my classmates, but I often wonder if I give off the impression that I don't want to talk about it, or that I'm not passionate about what I'm doing. It just seems impossible to try and sum up a year's worth of training.

I could list all of the forms that I've learned, or the competitions I've done, or some kind of stretching achievements, but most of that would mean little to the average person. How could I explain how much I've learned from dealing with the frustrations of injuries, or how getting through the monotony of each day has made me learn so much about my personal character. How much I've learned about dealing with my training partners. These things that seem so important to me have no physical manifestations that are simple and easy to share.

In so many ways I can't wait to come home but I also imagine it will be a difficult transition.

Almost March

It was fairly uneventful as all things go, but at the same time a lot of things happened. I guess that's one of the reasons I find blogging such a struggle is because I need some kind of starting point. We finished learning Ba Xian Jian (eight immortals sword) this week, which is exciting because I am curious to find out what will be next. I assume we won't be starting anything right away, we all need some time to absorb everything we've learned in the past few weeks. So this next week will probably be spent with a lot of review of the rest of our forms that we haven't drilled yet.

My body isn't too destroyed yet. This year while I was home, I brought back maybe one of the smartest things ever. A FOAM ROLLER! Yep, it's totally amazing, I didn't even know what I was missing. I am blessed with a family full of healers, and I have taken their suggestions to heart. Hopefully by the time 6 months has gone, my knee won't be excruciating, and I will have been able to keep the shin splints at bay. I have high hopes for my future here. *insert crazy cackle*