Changes

The past few weeks have been nuts! I sprained my ankle on Sunday. Not a bad one, but annoyingly enough, it's my good ankle. The one that's never been sprained before. I guess it will even me out.

This diet is a test for sure. Or should I call it a lifestyle change? Because it certainly is that. Never before has my day revolved as much around my food as it does now. I spend probably a couple of hours a day cooking and preparing food. The idea to be that I'm healthier. And I feel good. I feel stronger, I have more stamina, but it's hard to say how much of it is my body healing, and how much is food related. I do feel good though. And since I became more mindful of my food as an adult, I've found myself having pangs of guilt every time I had an unhealthy snack. Guilt, no more! I know the foods I'm eating are healthy because I made them. That gives me some control over the things that are going into my body. I was saying just last night... I'd rather change my diet and not have to be afraid of relapse, than to spend my days worrying that I might get caught by GBS again. No way do I want that. I don't have the money at this point to eat a grain and legume free diet. But all in all, things are going pretty darn good.

I've been keeping a daily journal. It's funny, I've tried to keep a journal since I was a teenager. But I've always failed to continue. It goes great for a few days, then I skip one, and it all goes downhill. We all know what that's like. But maybe because my journal is motivated by food, similar to my own brain, I seem to be more interested in what I'm doing. After I write down my food, exercise, and amount of sleep for the day, I reflect briefly. It's always finished by my favourite part, one sentence of gratitude. It reminds me before I lay down to sleep, of all the things I have to be grateful for, just in a single day, sometimes in a single moment. And I think that's a great way to fall asleep.

Re-evaluate

I found this Zig Ziglar quote that I loved...

" People say that motivation doesn't last. Well. neither does bathing. That's why we recommend it daily. "

This week coming up is forcing me to really reflect. At this point, my requirements suck.. let's just say that. I'm behind on everything. But I'm trying not to stress about it and just keep trying every day.

I missed last years farmer's day celebrations because I was just starting to have serious symptoms of GBS. I don't remember which day I was actually admitted to the U of A, but I know it seemed forever from when I started having symptoms, to when I was actually diagnosed. It was scary. I had lost enough strength in my legs and back that I couldn't walk on my own and my dad was picking me up to get me in and out of bed. I don't like thinking about it. People ask me and I always have some weird kind of scripted answer that I ramble off. I prefer to think about the recovery. That's the upswing.

I've learned a lot in the past year. I'm a lot stronger than I realized. The biggest thing that I am always thankful for, is that I was lucky enough to be home. This could have happened anytime, and I'm so happy that I had such a strong support system with me. This year has reminded me how lucky I am. I'm lucky I have great medical care and that my parents didn't have to sell everything for me to get the care I needed. I'm lucky I have such great friends and teammates that helped me along on this journey. I'm lucky my recovery is going so well and I'm 'technically' fully functional (I'd have to disagree but I have always had high expectations).

I thought China was tough, but I didn't even know what tough meant. I struggled through a lot there. Running, kicking, jumping, to extremes. But my biggest battle so far was the one where I spent my days inside my own head unable to move. I've come a long way and I have to say, I'm happy about that.

Costly Comparisons

Sitting in my car, catching up on blogs I come across this quote.. "comparison is the thief of joy" - Theodore Roosevelt.

Weird. I compare everything. I know I do. It's not something I do mindfully, it's just second nature at this point. It's been said to me many times by many different people that it's not always in my best interests to use comparisons all the time. This is better than that. I like this person more than that person because this person does such and such better. I was better before GBS. It took me about 2 seconds of reflection to bring tears to my eyes.

I know it's unfair to compare people. I know it's unfair to compare this me to the "old" me. My therapists at the Glenrose told me over and over again. You have GBS. You need to start fresh.

My brain is funny. It seems to think that comparisons somehow qualify things. Quality control. I think I need to take some time to re-evaluate what my values are.

I've been falling behind with a lot of my requirements. I've been exhausted. This month has been crazy. These are excuses. I think there's a lot of re-evaluation required at this point.

Sweet Relief...

These past few weeks have been a lot for me. I'll try to start somewhere, it might be a long entry. And that's why you blog regularly Mel.. (right)

I've started a diet, or a "lifestyle change" as it was suggested to me to refer to it. I'm in the process of reading a book called "The Wahls Protocol". It's fascinating to me because it compounds a lot of things I knew about food, with a lot of things I didn't. Dr. Wahls is a medical doctor that was diagnosed with progressive MS and was to the point where she was in a tilt-recline wheelchair. She started using her diet and exercise to treat herself, and is now fully functional again. As GBS is also a auto-immune disease that attacks the nervous system, I thought to myself, "what better way to recover and prevent relapse than something I ultimately have control over?". The diet focuses on nutrient dense foods (lots of veggies and fruit), healthy fats, and nutrient dense organ meat and bone broth. There's a lot more to it than that (like no gluten and dairy) but I'm making slow changes so that it feels more sustainable. Here's a link to her Ted Talk if anyone is interested.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLjgBLwH3Wc

The Pandamonium was so much fun for me. I know we didn't make the mark, but the energy of everyone that participated really made my heart feel full. I don't know if that is a great way of describing it, but it's the only words that came to mind. I felt fulfilled on the inside, if not satisfied by my level of engagement. The woman that was representing the Children's Ability Fund is actually the mother of one of my therapists from the Glenrose. It was nice to get the chance to interact with all the people from the charities.

I had my midterm today for one of the courses that I'm enrolled in 'Introduction to Business Management'. I've been stressed about it for a couple of weeks now, and it's nice that it's over. I have no idea what my mark is going to be. I usually do pretty well on multiple choice, but the long answer questions were tough. I'll just have to be patient I suppose. Another one of my many virtues (sarcasm).

I also had a reassessment for my therapy at the Glenrose yesterday. My therapist basically allowed me to say whether or not I still found it beneficial. I had to think about it. The Glenrose is far from convenient for me, but I do still think I'm getting a major benefit from my therapy. So for the next two weeks I'm free, and then I'm back to actually more times a week because we're trying to work on my endurance a little bit. Yesterday was interesting as well because I had an OT student with me for my assessment, and he shared that he also had GBS in the past and is now fully recovered. I thought it was kind of cool that he decided to become an occupational therapist. He's had first hand experience into the rehab and recovery process. That's an insight not everyone has.

Okay. I'm done I think. I'm going to try and relax for the next couple of weeks. We'll see. Thanks for reading :)

The Children's Ability Fund

The pandamonium is something I struggled with last year and I continue to struggle with this year. It's not fundraising. I don't mind asking people for money, although I'm not so good at approaching strangers. It's that no one knows that I'm fundraising until it's over and done. There's no public record of my goals or intentions or of my passion for the difference I'm making in people's lives.

Sifu Brinker challenged us to three acts of engagement a day. So I've been making my efforts. He suggested a long time ago to choose one charity that really speaks to you and stand behind that one for your fundraising. I really struggled with that. I think all the charities we support make great impacts on the communities they serve. I'm (I think) a very compassionate and empathetic person and I want people to see the merits of every charity we support. I mean come on... Sending girls to school in Malawi, rescuing cute lovable animals, educating people about the role of wolves in their own ecosystem and the possible synergy of our species, or helping homeless people in Kathmandu.  But, most people don't want to spend the time to really listen or the energy to really care.

So I spent a lot of time really thinking about the charities and studying them. The Children's Ability Fund is the one that I can really feel the most empathy towards. The past year I went from fully paralyzed, to learning to feed myself again. I distinctly remember the first time my physiotherapist helped me sit up in bed, and I still think it was one of the scariest things I had to go through during my recovery. After I was able to sit up on my own, they used a power lift to get me in and out of my wheelchair because I couldn't yet stand. The wheelchair I had while at the Glenrose gave me so much freedom to really move around on my own, and when I was ready, I moved onto a walker, and moved out of the hospital shortly after. I took my walker home and I had to have a bath seat so I could shower on my own because I couldn't stand for so long and I didn't have great balance.

As much as I was happy to move on from all of these things, I can still appreciate the huge difference it all made to my quality of life. The freedom to go outside on a beautiful day, the freedom to bathe on my own, and the freedom to move through my house and actually do things for myself. I read many of the stories of the clients of the Children's Ability Fund. Many of them are severely disabled and without the help of this charity, they wouldn't be able to have that same quality of life. Some of them would be bedridden, or stuck in their homes with the burden of the cost of equipment left to their families. I know that burden, and it's certainly not one that a child should have to bear.

Travels

I was thinking about travelling today, and I realized something interesting. I've been travelling a lot lately. It's not for work.. it's for pleasure. But it makes me think a lot about my journeys. As I sit on the train and watch the scenery fly past, I'm reminded of my own life. The beautiful parts sometimes seem to be just flying by me. I am constantly trying to remember all the important moments. I know I'll forget many of them, but everything I do adjusts my course ever so slightly.

I've had the opportunity this week to visit my great aunts in the Toronto area. My grandma and one of my other aunts live out where we are but, she has three more sisters whom I've met, but I've never come here to visit. It was my great Aunt and Uncle's 50th wedding anniversary yesterday and we had a surprise party which had some old photos and videos of my aunts when they were younger, and of my mom being a child, growing into a teenager with some of her cousins. Those are the kind of moments that I try to treasure in my own life. I think my long lasting brush with death helped me to see those moments for what they are. Tiny moments in time, that shape who you grow to be. I don't feel much older than I did when I was a young adult.

It was also a time for me to reflect on the choices that they made in their own lives and how they've affected them. My grandmother is only 2 years older than my Aunt Sally, but she looks a decade older. She gave into old age long before her time, absence of any real exercise and developing type 2 diabetes that she makes no effort to manage have left her barely mobile, unable to take care of herself. It's sad, but a very strong reminder of what difference our attitudes and perception can make in the long run.
I've made the decision to make some serious changes in my lifestyle and diet. Some were easy choices, some were more difficult, and even more difficult to follow through with. But I think these changes will be worth the benefit, slowly but surely, I will fully recover.

New York

I think a lot. Sometimes it gets hard to sort through the confusing stream of consciousness, to come up with some semblance of a real idea. Anyways.. I digress.

The third blog I've missed this year was last week. And I could make many excuses but, really there's no good reason except that I allowed myself to be distracted from my commitments.

I spent five days in New York this past week. Which was so awesome! It was the wedding of one of my classmates from China, and although not all of my other classmates could make it, we had a wonderful half reunion. It was so easy to get back into the groove with them. Hanging out and making jokes for hours. Going to the museum and for walks in central park. On our last night we went bowling. The first game I bombed, but the second game I won. Got into the groove I guess.

The thing I noticed though is how easy it is to get caught back in old habits. And here I'm not talking about training.. those would be good habits for the most part. I'm talking about the negativity that surrounds our class at times in regards to each other, and our time in China. There was a lot of really hard stuff to deal with then but as I look back on it now I see how fortunate I was to be able to spend my days devoted to my training. Then cons of being there certainly don't outweigh the pros, but my classmates and I sometimes stuck ourselves in a cycle of negativity and cynicism. I understand that some people played more of a part in this than others but, at times, we all played our roles.

I love my classmates like brothers and sisters, and there is a bond there that can't be replaced. When you live with someone for 5 years, you have to learn to love one another. I just hope that as time passes, we can let go of that destructive attitude, and learn to be more magnanimous.